Oct 9, 2011

Query - Evolution's Hero

Ragnar Whitestone is the reluctant super-healer who discovers the price of “seeking” can lead to war with the forces of darkness.

Entering the realm of Humanity’s Collective Consciousness was not something Joan, Victoria or Nancy were prepared to do. They also didn’t expect to be forced into following the healing path in the mountains of Tibet but sometimes life makes choices for you. To save their sons, they must defeat the forces of Temptation who manipulate the various city centers in the Collective and keep the human race from being their Authentic Selves. Containing real life self healing techniques based upon a body of work called De-Stress Training, the reader becomes part of the story as they learn how to apply these techniques to themselves and their lives. Written to be an entertaining, experiential journey of self exploration and discovery that opens your imagination to what’s possible, you will learn how to change your life and make a difference.

Evolution’s Hero is complete self help fantasy novel at 102,000 words. It is the first of a series of adventures within the realm of the Collective Consciousness.

Sheldon Gerard Ginsberg, B.S in Exercise Science is a 12th level Reiki Master and the creator of De-Stress Training, a whole body experiential process by which he teaches clients to harness their innate ability to heal and create space for true expression of their Authentic Self. Sheldon has provided De-Stress Training services to the resident of Florida condominiums, cancer survivors, guests of Canyon Ranch Miami Beach and Cancun's Zoetry Parisio de la Bonita, a 5-star spa and resort. He has worked with Anti-aging centers in Beverly Hills and has presented his work to UCLA’s rehabilitation department. He has written two e-books on health and healing, many articles and created two audio CD’s: De-Stress Training and Reduce your Pain. To learn more visit, http://www.wix.com/destresstraining/freedom.
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3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hard to know where to start with this one.

Perhaps a visit to the Query Shark? Read through the archives from start to finish (it'll only take a few days).

Then try again.

October 9, 2011 3:05 PM
Anonymous Author said...

There are some problems here.

The first paragraph is just a log-line, and like most log-lines, it doesn't succeed in hooking and does succeed in confusing. I'd leave it out.

In the second paragraph, you introduce three characters who are not the character you introduced in the first paragraph. Capital Letters start to Take Over. If I were an agent, I'd probably stop reading there, but definitely when I got to this sentence:

Containing real life self healing techniques based upon a body of work called De-Stress Training, the reader becomes part of the story as they learn how to apply these techniques to themselves and their lives.

The clause that begins the sentence modifies the subject "reader". This is a dangling modifier.

The next sentence contains the same error:

Written to be an entertaining, experiential journey of self exploration and discovery that opens your imagination to what’s possible, you will learn how to change your life and make a difference.

At this point I'm thinking you should probably go back and check for dangling modifiers in the book before you think about submitting it.

Finally, if you're writing this query for Sheldon, the agent or editor is likely to wonder why he doesn't write it himself. If you're not, don't refer to yourself in the third person. It's off-putting.

October 9, 2011 3:13 PM
GLJ said...

This is sorely lacking in consistency and kept changing as I read it. The log line read like a typical fantasy. But Ragnar Whitestone is never mentioned again.

The second paragraph reads like a fictional memoir, then morphs into a self help book. WTF?

Too many unnecessary capital letters, as if the author is suffering from "my-important-book" syndrome. Then the bio, in third person, is so stilted and stiff.

The wording is rough, as noted by AA, and really needs polishing. Definitely not ready to be sent out.

October 9, 2011 8:43 PM

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