tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post1085437584444728490..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Query- The Tale of Lizzie Brogan and The Moon GoddessRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-38357734310211243422010-08-25T20:20:53.591-04:002010-08-25T20:20:53.591-04:00Lemeke this is the direct quote from Wikipedia. Mo...Lemeke this is the direct quote from Wikipedia. Most other definitions of "late bloomer" are similar. <br /><br /> A late bloomer …<br />Is a person whose talents or capabilities are slow to develop. The term is used metaphorically to describe a child or adolescent who develops more slowly than others in their age group, but eventually catches up and in some cases overtakes their peers, or an adult whose talent or genius in a particular field only appears later in life than is normal - in some cases only in old age. <br />From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia<br />=================================<br />This is a direct quote of mine: Since my brilliance decided to surface "late" in life, and I have always been the "also ran gal," I get a kick out of playing with this concept of "growing up." When and why should we do it? Ah, that is the question dear ones. My vote is … avoid it as long as possible and let your older brothers and sisters get falling arches and gray hair.<br /><br />Also, most agents these days cringe at the genre "chick-lit" although it made Candace Bushnel quite a few bucks ... in the last two years it has fallen out of "style" ...<br /><br />Maybe she can do a sequel ... Love "Bites" in the City ...<br /><br />I am submitting my revision later. And thanks to everyone for such great feedback.fOIS In The Cityhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06347958777030988677noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-84694574939505299632010-08-25T16:14:25.378-04:002010-08-25T16:14:25.378-04:00"Chick lit" might actually be the genre ..."Chick lit" might actually be the genre here if there's a strong enough focus on family membership as a crucial part of a person's development. Like women's fiction, but lighter-weight.Zee Lemkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07152658255324664476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-9757810385635663802010-08-25T12:09:28.519-04:002010-08-25T12:09:28.519-04:00Florence: I think the problem was that from the qu...<b>Florence</b>: I think the problem was that from the query, I read Lizzie as a young adult. She's an "over-indulged baby" who needs "hard work to help her grow up." Her brother seems to be the one taking care of her.<br /><br />This is what made me think she was young. I didn't see "humorous" at all from the first paragraph. We don't get funny until the mention of the bawdy Aunt.<br /><br />Admittedly, I don't read women's fiction. I'm not overly familiar with the genre, but I'll bet if you rewrite this query with your genre in mind, you'll be surprised at the different tone it takes. Just because it has a ghost, doesn't automatically make it paranormal, but an agent/pub will decide what genre you will market best as.<br /><br />Hope that helps to clarify. When in doubt, leave genre out and let the agent decide.Stephanie Loréehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03512485557711771802noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-80394066846035103092010-08-25T12:01:11.595-04:002010-08-25T12:01:11.595-04:00It's morning here ... so good morning to Mesme...It's morning here ... so good morning to Mesmerix and Zee Lemke ...<br /><br />thank you both for your suggestions and yes I am going to incorporate what I have learned here and come back with another draft ...<br /><br />about genre I am a bit perplexed ... It is not YA ... I might try to say "light paranormal" as that at least denotes "can be funny and has a ghost or two lurking ..."<br /><br />thanks again, I'll be in touchfOIS In The Cityhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06347958777030988677noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-57124043076619172732010-08-25T11:02:05.504-04:002010-08-25T11:02:05.504-04:00I think if Lizzie is 30 and is written as having a...I think if Lizzie is 30 and is written as having a 30-year-old's life (however bizarre), then yes, this is probably women's fiction, not YA.<br /><br />I didn't get that she was being moved into the basement apartment to manage the buildings and/or deal with her neighbors at first. I thought her brother was just making her live there... while she did whatever else. If she's the building superintendent or something, say that. If not, some other way of bringing in her responsibility for the families around her is in order or she's just nosy. Giving her a job will make her sound more 30 and less 16.Zee Lemkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07152658255324664476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-34683752359592307192010-08-25T08:08:46.463-04:002010-08-25T08:08:46.463-04:00Florence: I'm excited to read your next draft ...<b>Florence</b>: I'm excited to read your next draft as I think you have an excellent story lurking in there. I know sometimes critiques are harsh, heck, did you see Zee hammer me on my query? :) Happens to all of us. So keep up the work and best of luck!Stephanie Loréehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03512485557711771802noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-33250703736151875832010-08-25T00:01:13.645-04:002010-08-25T00:01:13.645-04:00Dominique:
The answer to your question: She is ol...Dominique:<br /><br />The answer to your question: She is old enough, has the resources, and stays for reasons I bring into the story quickly.<br /><br />And the ghost is a fun character. I am tempted to do another because of her.<br /><br />Again, thank you so very much for taking your time to help me.<br /><br />I will be back :)fOIS In The Cityhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06347958777030988677noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-42189366897047968962010-08-24T23:57:13.287-04:002010-08-24T23:57:13.287-04:00Mesmerix: Your critique is very helpful. You zero...Mesmerix: Your critique is very helpful. You zero in and capture exactly what needs to be cut, changed or moved.<br /><br />I am copying the critique and using it to do a rewrite.<br /><br />Anonymous: I am a terrible speller, confuse homym ... see what I mean ... passed and past ...<br /><br />Thanks for pointing out respective ...<br /><br />Zee Lemke ... Thanks for taking the time. I do think the book is funny and I will take your advise and start the query with funny.<br /><br />If anyone ever comes back to these, my only problem is genre. It's a pain in the butt ... but ... I am not sure.<br /><br />I am doing a rewrite and I look forward to reading your critiques once again.<br /><br />My sincere thanks for such a thorough job.fOIS In The Cityhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06347958777030988677noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-46240982209593250792010-08-24T23:53:47.062-04:002010-08-24T23:53:47.062-04:00My first concern with this query is that when I se...My first concern with this query is that when I see a name like Lizzie Brogan, I think of Lizzie Bordan and axe murder. Not the place you wanted my head to go, I'm sure.<br /><br />Another question I have is, if she's 30-years-old, why doesn't she just move out of the "cave dwelling" her brother takes her to. She might be the baby of the family, but I doubt she really has to do everything he says.<br /><br />That said, I like the idea of her mentoring ghost being a bawdy Broadway performing. That definitely sounds like something a person can have a lot of fun with.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-755990226223057632010-08-24T22:35:38.901-04:002010-08-24T22:35:38.901-04:00Mesmerix is spot-on as usual.
I'm worried abo...Mesmerix is spot-on as usual.<br /><br />I'm worried about a couple of specific words and things. Your punctuation choices in your last paragraph especially need, hm, normalizing. "Book of sacred scribes" seems like it needs either explanation or (sigh) capitalization. That "Internet Encyclopedia" (quotes for both quotation and irony) excerpt needs considerable touching-up just to be sensible.<br /><br />That said, I do love the "wtf?" moments I got at P2S3 and P3S1. Start with those and keep it funny. (The first paragraph isn't funny. That's a problem.)Zee Lemkehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07152658255324664476noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-16857793063836168822010-08-24T12:16:19.328-04:002010-08-24T12:16:19.328-04:00"Respectively" is used to distinguish it..."Respectively" is used to distinguish items in a group. I think you mean "respectfully".Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-83933183870501034942010-08-24T09:42:13.455-04:002010-08-24T09:42:13.455-04:00So here's what I'm interested in, "is...So here's what I'm interested in, "is about a late bloomer who finally grows up with a little help from a ghost."<br /><br />This is an awesome hook. It should be the first thing you say. Because everything before this point confused me.<br /><br />Here's my critique:<br /><br />1) The first paragraph is all backstory. You need to start the query where the story begins. Character and conflict, boom. I do not need to know about her house or her brother (unless that's the main conflict). Really, I just need to know about who Lizzie is and what problem she's having.<br /><br />2) Your story does not seem to start until the 2nd paragraph, 2nd sentence, "Lizzie meets the ghost of her Aunt Annie May, a bawdy, talented Broadway performer, whose portal to this life is a tramp steamer and an old wooden trunk from the Belasco theatre." BOOM! That's awesome. Everything before this needs to be tossed.<br /><br />3) Too much subplot. What is the main plot? You have the ghost aunt, "secrets of the five houses," a descendent of a Moon Goddess, curses and disaster, and a coming-of-age story. What is the <b>main plotline</b>? Scrap everything else and rewrite the query using only the main plot. I know your novel will have subplots, but a query needs just one.<br /><br />4) The entire paragraph regarding your career needs cut. Unless you have <b>published</b> credentials, none of this matters. I struggle with this part as well, because I want to tell the agent. But the truth is, the agent doesn't care. Cut it.<br /><br />5) Cut the excess sentence of "happy to send you all or part of my MS" because the agent already knows this. It's just extra words.<br /><br />6) Genre. Your query does not sound like it's "humorous women's fiction" right now. It sounds like YA Paranormal. A coming-of-age story with ghosts and goddesses and curses. Are you certain you have the right genre? If so, you need to rewrite the query keeping that in mind.<br /><br />If I were you, I'd go back and rewrite with a focus on a single plot. Your tagline is excellent, your premise sounds fun. There's just too much going on and it doesn't seem cohesive. Also keep in mind your genre.<br /><br />I noticed your sample pages are in 1st person PoV. A technique I found helpful to capture the voice of the story was to write my query as if my protag was telling me what the book was about. Then, I took that 1st PoV and moved it to 3rd, with some additional edits for clarity sake. Maybe this would help you as well.<br /><br />Looking forward to the next revision. Best of luck!<br /><br /><a href="http://mesmerix.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">Scribbler to Scribe</a>Stephanie Loréehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03512485557711771802noreply@blogger.com