tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post1464973221185229456..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Sample pages-A Profusion of WantRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-90814979494858883982009-07-16T21:13:55.573-04:002009-07-16T21:13:55.573-04:00This is really interesting and grabs me right away...This is really interesting and grabs me right away. I love that it's so action packed but you still managed to slip in little bits of back story without losing the interest of the reader. <br /><br />I can't wait to read the whole book!Juliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06004818838544105847noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-47189158068913420812009-07-11T18:52:13.247-04:002009-07-11T18:52:13.247-04:00I’m not the least bit interested in chess, but I h...I’m not the least bit interested in chess, but I had no problem slipping right into the scene. “in a crappy gym on a dreary day” says a great deal in a few words. Your prose is smooth and a pleasure to read. I was a little distracted, not knowing until near the end, what gender the main character was, but overall, I loved it!J.B. Chicoinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06894797553204276281noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-16101912032676256782009-07-09T16:32:14.079-04:002009-07-09T16:32:14.079-04:00Regan, nice chapter - nice ending.
You set up at...Regan, nice chapter - nice ending. <br /><br />You set up atmosphere/environment nicely (two things I don't do at all well, so I'm envious :)<br /><br />A few minor nits:<br /><br />The father w/ cash in his pockets from selling sudoku puzzles seems out of place (giving them out seems a bit more neighborly b/c you don't want to be seen as the avaricious chess parent, IMO - but if you've seen such things, by all means keep it in -- though I think he'd put the cash in a wallet :).<br /><br />'It had been a long day.' -- Probably okay to tell us what you just showed fairly well, but unneeded, IMO.<br /><br />'I wasn't particularly good at chess' -- 'good' might not be the correct word b/c she obviously just swept through the competition -- 'good' works okay, still, IMO, b/c we get the gist, but there's a better word out there, IMO.<br /><br />The grade (B- to B)strikes me as odd -- if Shale is this bad-ass who can instantly win chess tournaments, I'm thinking she'd be going from an (A to A+ -- also, why would the math teacher want Shale to participate in Chess if she's a middle-range student?) -- I realize you're trying to paint the slacker persona somewhat (or at least that's what I think you're doing), but if she's in that vein, she wouldn't care about EC and wouldn't do it via a day-long boring chess tournament, IMO.<br /><br />The Simon characterization is nice, but a bit cliched... yeah, I know, most chess team members are like that, but I think it'd be kinda cool if 'Simon' were a bit non-stereotypical.<br /><br />Finally, I think you can get rid of some of your adverbs (e.g., thought "intently" -- the whole tag can probably go -- squinted at me "suspiciously", banging my hip "painfully" etc.). <br /><br />Anyway, these are all minor things. The flow and voice of the chapter are good and the ending builds nicely.Joshua McCunehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17367262185912463258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-90042745734677860512009-07-09T16:29:07.843-04:002009-07-09T16:29:07.843-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Joshua McCunehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17367262185912463258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-91016154689662720542009-07-09T15:32:59.943-04:002009-07-09T15:32:59.943-04:00All I can say is-WOW!All I can say is-WOW!Suzan Hardenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04600258874634909988noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-75188192903694391772009-07-09T13:54:31.121-04:002009-07-09T13:54:31.121-04:00Regan,
As with your query, I was drawn in right ...Regan, <br /><br />As with your query, I was drawn in right away. Your writing is very tight. I will be astounded if you don't find success in the near future.Rick Daleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.com