tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post1491127437667899606..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: QUERY - NO DARKER FATERick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-41192557865125044662009-10-21T17:13:35.053-04:002009-10-21T17:13:35.053-04:00Love this premise, intriguing. Maybe as Jason says...Love this premise, intriguing. Maybe as Jason says you can make the transition more clear from phone to change. Something like: Lucas feels *himself* change. Suddenly, *he* is fearless, etc.<br />We also need another line about the image sent by the phone, so we know it is causing change. Does he feel something then or intuit because of his parents. If the parents died because of some hoodoo that has made him afraid then give us a hint of that.<br />Can't wait to see what you do with this story.Tricia J. O'Brienhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05993110400088806252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-17225701117602335512009-10-21T14:13:05.376-04:002009-10-21T14:13:05.376-04:00Good premise.
I don't like the transistion bet...Good premise.<br />I don't like the transistion between when he's a germaphobe to when he's a killer .<br />What makes him suddenly change? the picture? Something else? Fair enough you're being vague on purpose to build suspense, but maybe more than just one sentence on the transition. Maybe hint at the root cause.Jason Myersnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-36109380655131148702009-10-21T14:04:13.499-04:002009-10-21T14:04:13.499-04:00I agree with most of what Rick said, including tha...I agree with most of what Rick said, including that the premise is interesting. <br /><br />I would DEFINITELY pick this one up! Great story, friend!<br /><br />~TaraTara Lindsay Hallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00970258984995282462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-78194285897187615042009-10-21T12:35:05.194-04:002009-10-21T12:35:05.194-04:00Cool premise, it feels very original. Some sugges...Cool premise, it feels very original. Some suggestions for the query, though:<br /><br />- Start with a stronger hook. Most people fear death. I wasn't drawn in at all until the third paragraph.<br /><br />- The reference to his parents doesn't seem necessary, they aren't referenced further in the query. <br /><br />- "Viruses, slippery steps, AND strangers..."<br /><br />- 2nd paragraph shifts to past tense. I think you should stay consistent with the present tense.<br /><br />- I would leave out the fact that its your first novel.<br /><br />Good luck, the premise is interesting enough to me that I'm curious to learn more. I have a ton of questions about the plot, but I think they are the good kind, because you got me thinking.Rick Daleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.com