tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post1978698382412606313..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Revised Query - THE DREAM PLAYERRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-65252951808105768902010-05-11T13:35:33.557-04:002010-05-11T13:35:33.557-04:00I think this query is a definite improvement from ...I think this query is a definite improvement from the first one! I felt like I had a much better grasp of the plot of your novel. As someone who once played lacrosse, I found this to be an interesting twist (not a marketing tool or anything, but something that might draw my eye). <br />I had one small (and somewhat silly) note- 'Jake and Simon must awaken the people'. I found 'the people' to be an odd phrase here. I think you should specify who exactly he encourages to rise up. Otherwise, I think that you really made this story seem more enticing.Amandahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12825606433914997410noreply@blogger.com