tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post216678788393361343..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Query Me This...IN DARKER TIMESRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-62191100111650309582010-06-01T15:02:55.372-04:002010-06-01T15:02:55.372-04:00This query isn't enough developed from the ori...This query isn't enough developed from the original idea; there really isn't much beyond some coverings for the original prompt, so I only know the setup, not the plot. I'm not going to believe in Trenweca without an extremely good justification, but if you can pull it off I think this would be intriguing.<br /><br />I'm also curious about how this is a fantasy, since there's no hint of it in the query or pages. <br /><br />Regarding the pages, there was some nice description, but too much info-dumping and "as you know Bob"-ing to make it feel natural to me.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15531711794185041057noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-81741928555731143392010-05-31T07:38:34.320-04:002010-05-31T07:38:34.320-04:00While I think you have an interesting concept, you...While I think you have an interesting concept, you could definitely make your query a little easier to read. There are a several run-on sentences in the first paragraph which are confusing, e.g. "Timothy Westwood, an American expatriate with a grimy past involving suspicion for murder, has been given exclusive information via a covert Trenweccan agent about an imminent war Trenweca plans to go on against USA, in fear of USA itself declaring it, even with an unprepared army." Break this sentence up to clarify what you are trying to say. Also, I don't think you have an invasion 'over' anything. I think you have an invasion 'into' another country. <br />Also- you should put the title of your book in all-caps. Make sure it is clear what your book is called.<br />Good luck!Amandahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12825606433914997410noreply@blogger.com