tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post2390216763524629306..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Query- Mayhem, Inc. (Revised)Rick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-73286141989856102322010-03-06T16:52:57.061-05:002010-03-06T16:52:57.061-05:00You hooked me with the first paragraph.
Just need...You hooked me with the first paragraph. <br />Just need a bit more with the second.<br />You have words use them to firm up the middle.The Starving Writernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-18777484213709397512010-03-06T14:36:59.572-05:002010-03-06T14:36:59.572-05:00I love this version of the query. I think it's...I love this version of the query. I think it's awesome and I'd read the book!Blee Bonnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00272480204272788877noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-13672686077506024112010-03-04T10:53:58.943-05:002010-03-04T10:53:58.943-05:00Thanks, everyone for you feedback. I appreciate it...Thanks, everyone for you feedback. I appreciate it.Jason A. Myershttp://jasonamyers.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-77743270523036213022010-03-03T13:39:07.392-05:002010-03-03T13:39:07.392-05:00This is a vast improvement over the first query. G...This is a vast improvement over the first query. Good work!<br /><br />A few suggestions, and these are minor:<br /><br />Paragraph 1:<br />I found the construction "eats only" more awkward than "only eats." The comma before "a job that permits" does not seem like a strong enough punctuation mark. I would suggest a dash but I think the rest of the sentence can be safely removed. I think we already have a sense for his OCD and therefore I would cut out "a job...delivery." But only a suggestion. Do eliminate the comma after "But" in the next sentence though.<br /><br />And... I'm done. Very nice job on this one. A marked improvement. Although less of the plot is revealed in this query I still think we have enough sense of story to see the genre and the marketability. <br /><br />Good luck querying-Emily Jhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09771345161030707976noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-25104804265420716462010-03-01T23:24:46.072-05:002010-03-01T23:24:46.072-05:00I have to tell you, I'm head over heels in lov...I have to tell you, I'm head over heels in love with this query. The first sentence is a phenomenal hook. Well done, sir. <br /><br />I see the point/problem with the vagueness in the second paragraph, but I'm not sure how to fix it. Wish I could be more constructive, but know that the first paragraph is a slam dunk.MHhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16748209334943163314noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-18154114301562668802010-03-01T19:49:21.807-05:002010-03-01T19:49:21.807-05:00I, personally, love it. I think yor second version...I, personally, love it. I think yor second version is far more effective and engaging. Good luck! I think you'll do well with this.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00725012086692924891noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-32683576004615292772010-03-01T16:53:10.162-05:002010-03-01T16:53:10.162-05:00Thanks, Suzan.
I was trying to make the query a l...Thanks, Suzan.<br /><br />I was trying to make the query a little less "Synopsisey" feeling, but you're right, the specifics of the plot are not there. I also wanted to make the query shorter, which I did. I guess at the sake of plot!Jason A Myershttp://jasonamyers.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-10668014331111666772010-03-01T16:39:27.198-05:002010-03-01T16:39:27.198-05:00LOL Monk as a spy-I love the concept!
Unfortunat...LOL Monk as a spy-I love the concept!<br /><br />Unfortunately, the query needs a little polish, just an infitesimal amount.<br /><br />1) While you do a great job of showing, not telling, us Quinn has a severe case of OCD, the examples need to be compressed in order to tell us more of the plot.<br /><br />2)Watch the passive verbs. You don't want your interesting hero sound like deadwood drifting in the river of your story.<br /><br />3)Be more specific on the actual plot. What happens that makes Quinn realize the world will end? Did he forget to tap the side of his delivery truck three times? And what's the corporation's goal for creating the anarchy?<br /><br />I love Quinn's dilemma at the end! Like I said, the middle just needs a little polish.<br /><br />Best wishes on your submissions!Suzan Hardenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04600258874634909988noreply@blogger.com