tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post2875482001525349555..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: QUERY – JACK MBC (Revision #1)Rick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-66622826022422557232009-11-06T21:17:25.257-05:002009-11-06T21:17:25.257-05:00Thanks wendy and Donna! I'm going to give it a...Thanks wendy and Donna! I'm going to give it a few tweaks before sending it out for a run. Fingers crossed for me. :)ghsb12noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-34963046539541219562009-10-26T17:21:51.355-04:002009-10-26T17:21:51.355-04:00Much more concise and informative. Very clear and...Much more concise and informative. Very clear and engaging. <br /><br />There is one repeat of information however: And when MBC is on, his emotions turn off, and may never come back on again. He could turn into a catatonic zombie, but how can he say no to rescuing people from certain deaths?<br /><br />Is repeated in: MBC’s side effects become sinister, pushing him into periods of depression and violence. Will Jack figure out how to deal with MBC and use it on his own terms, or will it turn him into an unrecognizable monster?<br /><br />Also, the concepts of catatonic zombie and unrecognizable monster are conflicting to me. Catatonic zombie implies using his powers could render him into a vegatative state; but you mention his powers are becoming "sinister, pushing him into periods of depression and violence." Those are definitely monstrous traits, but not passive like catatonia.<br /><br />I'd like to see you streamline those concepts into one consequence.<br /><br />This is, however, an excellent query and perhaps those two minor discrepancies are only in my own view.<br /><br />.........dholedolorahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08715849844092553699noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-15845119293190506352009-10-24T04:07:21.704-04:002009-10-24T04:07:21.704-04:00Although no query expert, I like what you've ...Although no query expert, I like what you've done. It reads smoothly, sensibly, contains flavour, personality and details the essentials. Great job. <br /><br />One nitpick: 'falls off the roof of Las Vegas Hotel' would read more elegently as 'falls from the roof of a Las Vegas Hotel...'wendyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06601761842537889384noreply@blogger.com