tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post2966855046182002539..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: QUERY- DEMON DREAMS (first revision)Rick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-68865835966867540842009-10-11T07:31:21.950-04:002009-10-11T07:31:21.950-04:00You have three paragraphs that say esentially the ...You have three paragraphs that say esentially the same thing - I'd skip the first two and start your query with the third.<br /><br />If you're querying a US agent, use double quotes, not single, and tuck the ending punctuation inside the closing quotation mark. And <i>intact</i> is one word. <br /><br />If you have any writing or publishing credentials, of course tag them on in the final paragraph.Sara J. Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16145626175256433448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-28914747575402917312009-10-09T15:55:41.074-04:002009-10-09T15:55:41.074-04:00I think the first few sentences need some grammar ...I think the first few sentences need some grammar help. The first one for example kind of flows through too many thoughts or points.<br /><br />Great concept though. I love demons.<br /><br />JennaJAScribbleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18397856900888952929noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-70693948949866703572009-10-09T11:21:14.686-04:002009-10-09T11:21:14.686-04:00Also, after re-reading, I am not sure what's g...Also, after re-reading, I am not sure what's going on. Some idiot wants hell on earth...does Satan NOT want this? You say he takes notice. Then you say Belza WANTS Satan to rule the earth. So wouldn't he be helping the idiot in the first paragraph? They want the same thing. <br />I assume Meg doesn't want hell on earth? I am confused on who wants what.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-69037747993675875332009-10-09T11:16:42.603-04:002009-10-09T11:16:42.603-04:00Good query. Good voice. Get to Meg sooner. The age...Good query. Good voice. Get to Meg sooner. The agent wants to know about the character and why he or she should care about that character.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-30182932113121379552009-10-09T01:26:01.993-04:002009-10-09T01:26:01.993-04:00Hmmm... Upon rereading the query, maybe even cutti...Hmmm... Upon rereading the query, maybe even cutting the first sentence would work. The whole demons dying part is a pretty good hook in and of itself!Stephanie Thorntonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17437077559099315853noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-85695771737897263332009-10-09T01:24:46.993-04:002009-10-09T01:24:46.993-04:00This isn't my normal genre, but I have to say ...This isn't my normal genre, but I have to say that your query has me intrigued!<br /><br />My only new suggestion would be to clean up the first sentence, maybe even split it in two. I'm a big fan of reading everything aloud to find awkward sentences and that first one doesn't seem to roll well. And since it's the hook you want it to be flawless. <br /><br />Other than that, great job!Stephanie Thorntonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17437077559099315853noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-64337894489330754382009-10-08T23:36:53.215-04:002009-10-08T23:36:53.215-04:00Oh yeah; I'm sold. Aside from an excellent st...Oh yeah; I'm sold. Aside from an excellent story line, this flows really well from one concept to the next. I get a good sense of who the MC are, what's at stake for each of them - and for the world, and how they all tie together.<br /><br />Has a sort of "Constantine" feel. Who says evil can't win once in a while? <br /><br />One thing that bothered me right off was the statement "Every evil plan hatched . ." It gives this novel a "goog vs evil" flavor, and I don't get that from the rest of the query. Deleting the word "evil" might make Alexander's presence more vital than casual. And maybe start with Meg Turner in your synopsis, as she appears to be the true main character - the central focus for both sides.<br /><br />In fact, if you just stick with Meg's paragraph, and split it to incorporate both her Demon and Angelic associations, you may not need that second paragraph (though it is well written) at all.<br /><br />But I'm with Tara here; I really like it.<br /><br />........dholedolorahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08715849844092553699noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-72951854328654636902009-10-08T21:46:31.086-04:002009-10-08T21:46:31.086-04:00I enjoyed this query a lot! I like your writing st...I enjoyed this query a lot! I like your writing style which is evident and distinct. The story is great and the stakes are mostly clear.<br /><br />Your characters are pretty well presented, except that Alexander feels kind of tacked onto the end. The third paragraph could use a little more refining on the whole. Some of the wording isn't quite right I think. For instance, I would change the second sentence to at least start with "but," because the conflict wasn't immediately clear. I had to go back and read it again. <br /><br />In the first sentence, I would also separate "left with no other choice" into a dependent clause with commas on either side to make it easier to read. Also check your pronoun usage throughout and make sure it's really clear. <br /><br />Overall I liked this, though. You didn't make many of the mistakes we see in most first drafts. Cool story, too! I'd buy it!<br /><br />~TaraTara Lindsay Hallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00970258984995282462noreply@blogger.com