tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post3107994567766980086..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Query: A DARKER DAWN (Revision 2)Rick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-10007628044668097362009-06-10T14:18:38.196-04:002009-06-10T14:18:38.196-04:00Well, then, Rohit, my work here is done... for now...Well, then, Rohit, my work here is done... for now! Grr.<br /><br />Just kidding. Good luck with the query (pain in the arse, isn't it?) - I can't wait to see the book itself! ;-)<br /><br />--LauraLaura Martonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17131901155051433491noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-84306366230740826282009-06-10T12:46:15.185-04:002009-06-10T12:46:15.185-04:00Oops!!
(Cowering)
Sure Laura. Won't repeat th...Oops!!<br />(Cowering)<br /><br />Sure Laura. Won't repeat that :-(Rohit Gorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08501512706381161603noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-9483870076215993822009-06-09T17:58:46.629-04:002009-06-09T17:58:46.629-04:00Hi, Rohit!
Okay, I feel like a broken record, but...Hi, Rohit!<br /><br />Okay, I feel like a broken record, but I'm going to make the same suggestion one last time!!!!<br /><br />Please watch your hyphens! It should be "twelve-year-old best friends" (if that paragraph stays intact) and "84,000-word literary fiction".<br /><br />Okay, that's it - I won't say it again (she says, wagging her finger ruthlessly)...<br /><br />--LauraLaura Martonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17131901155051433491noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-4406845957380019542009-06-09T12:01:11.154-04:002009-06-09T12:01:11.154-04:00Hi Ruth and ejalvey
Many many thanks for that det...Hi Ruth and ejalvey<br /><br />Many many thanks for that detailed feedback! :-)<br /><br />It will surely go a long way in making the query better.<br /><br />Ruth, you weren't ruthless at all!<br /><br />Cheers<br />RohitRohit Gorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08501512706381161603noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-41052196646930315902009-06-09T07:03:02.347-04:002009-06-09T07:03:02.347-04:00My issue - and I've just read the other incarn...My issue - and I've just read the other incarnations of this query - is that you focus on the backstory. It's all about what happens when they're twelve, with a very vague few sentences at the end saying that they "return as strangers", "wish they had never met" and find out "the old hatreds are still alive". But <b>what happens</b>? It seems like what the story is <b>about</b> is what happens when they come back as adults - not what happened when they were twelve. You can sum that up really briefly - and you've already started to do so in your first paragraph. I would rewrite your first paragraph as something like:<br /><br />"When four friends (you don't need "the") accidentally kill the school bully, they made a pact never to meet again or talk about the bully's death. Decades later, once they've gone their separate ways, they are forced to return to the town and confront their terrible sin. Their forgotten friendship is now their only hope for redemption."<br /><br />Then cut the second paragraph out altogether, as it's all back-story. (I'm sorry! But you did say to be ruthless.)<br /><br />For the rest of the query, focus on what happens in the story you actually write about - not the backstory. We need to know the backstory, sure; but it can be summed up. The agent's going to want to know what happens in the story itself.<br /><br />I like the writing in the query. If the story was only about their lives when they're twelve, it would be a really good query letter. But as it is, I do think you need to rewrite it again. Sorry! But I hope I helped.Ruth (Book Focus)https://www.blogger.com/profile/06211262861068620446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-55725015755126987072009-06-07T20:58:59.311-04:002009-06-07T20:58:59.311-04:00This is my first time seeing one of our queries, a...This is my first time seeing one of our queries, and my first impression was that it seems like a good premise, but yet I was not struck by any sense of what makes your story unique compared to others that are similar in theme.<br /><br />I think if I were an agent, I would want a sense of tension from such a difficult experience. Perhaps it would help to try the "less is more" idea--short sentences that can add a sense of briskness or building to the main points of the query.<br /><br />I am struggling with similar issues in my query, so I understand the difficulty of condensing the book and having it make any useful sense. <br />This seemed a bit long to me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com