tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post369922614492468073..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Query Me This...Star of AuroraRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-8416562142853225022010-06-02T19:29:01.986-04:002010-06-02T19:29:01.986-04:00What a lovely, open-minded, thoughtful reply, K.D....What a lovely, open-minded, thoughtful reply, K.D. Thank you and good luck with Star of Aurora. Hope it does really well.wendyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06601761842537889384noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-38134185283648040072010-06-02T10:52:23.275-04:002010-06-02T10:52:23.275-04:00Jenny...Wendy, thanks for the feedback.
Jenny, th...Jenny...Wendy, thanks for the feedback. <br />Jenny, the name Fennel just popped into my head.He is named after a herb because Fennel's mother was a chef. I know that it sounds a bit loopy, lol. I did have a bit of trouble writing a query for a novel that doesn't exist so I know the query has some weaknesses. I'm glad you like the pages though, it was fun to write.<br /><br />Wendy, I know that the characters come over as a bit cold at first. If I decide to work on this as a novel I would humanise them a bit as I went on. I am a very new writer. I started my first novel three years ago and one of the problems I know I have is getting into the action from the first page...defining the characters and the setting quickly. I have a tendency to do a lot of description and build up. I think that is a weakness you probably picked up on. When I do a rewrite I will try to make Fennel and Layla a bit more loveable. <br />Thanks again to both of you.K.Dnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-48312789749807591232010-06-02T06:37:08.293-04:002010-06-02T06:37:08.293-04:00I think both the query and story excerpt were very...I think both the query and story excerpt were very well-written. Like Jenny before me, I found the pages easier to read. But there was something missing from them - charm or authenticity perhaps? There was nothing that reached out and grabbed me. It was words performing well on the page, doing what they were supposed to be doing. Characters were interacting, talking and acting in a way that was individualistic to them, but there was nothing that made me really care. No heart or something. Nothing to really admire in those characters. They were too hard-nosed without any vunerabilities. If they had some vunerability that they had to work to overcome or something engaging about them, something I could feel attracted to, warm to, that story would entice me so much more powerfully. It's not really the exterior of beauty or exciting action that is the stimulus for interest in itself. Your characters need something more to define them, to make them more real and especially to make them more appealing.<br /><br />In the old Bond films (not the new ones) I was led to admire Bond and care about him but not so much for his looks and exciting adventures and the trappings that went with it. He was incredibly in control and courageous, larger than life with a swashbuckling air and original quirks and sayings that give us a solid perception of the kind of man he was. The little hobbits in the book versions of Lord of The Rings and The Hobbit are no oil paintings to look at, no exitement-plus kind of characters, but they're endearing and portrayed with such flavour and personality. Their dialogue is very individual to the kind of people they are and fun to read.<br /><br />Some of your word use isn't evocative enough for me which makes the query hard to slog through and get a grasp of the flavour and meaning. Might I suggest that instead of Fennel being assigned the task of 'retrieving Diandra' he is rescuing her? You might retrieve an item but you rescue a person. I had to read the first sentence several times to get the meaning because of that one word which didn't quite accurately describe the situation.<br /><br />I liked the pun of Fennel finding himself 'in uncharted space' with his difficult mission. That worked for me. I liked the concept of each planet holding a secret that will only be revealed as Fennel visits each one and probably has to surmount the challenge each one poses. Your ideas are good. I just feel the story or wording needs more flavour and heart, something essentially original to this story that makes it more unique and, therefore, more real. Also I'd like to see something more endearing, something to capture the heart and interest of the reader. <br /><br />You've got great potential in this story, I think. Just make the writing and characters more individual to the world they're in - and more real and appealing. Give the reader something to hang on to - to reach out and touch and be touched by.wendyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06601761842537889384noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-48837997050338090832010-06-01T13:35:29.090-04:002010-06-01T13:35:29.090-04:00Okay, my first reaction was "Fennel? Seriousl...Okay, my first reaction was "Fennel? Seriously?" Especially with Diandra, Helathon, and William, it threw me.<br /><br />Otherwise, I think the story could be interesting but the query isn't well fleshed out. (Having three weeks or less and no actual novel can do that to you, of course...)I'd like to know what the "shocking revelation" is and a bit more about what happens at the end--maybe not everything, but a hint of what's to come to make me want to read more.<br /><br />I liked the pages better than the query. Layla seems like a blatant attempt to hook the reader through sex appeal, but she's also well-described and I like that it's a cover for her real purpose. I really like the the group of ten spies and how they're labeled as archetypes(Solomon, David, Delilah), too--I'm wondering if that's an integral part of the story; William is but we don't know whether the others are involved.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15531711794185041057noreply@blogger.com