tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post3937856076747838453..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: QUERY- REINCARNATERick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-63680188034047954652010-07-26T09:07:05.798-04:002010-07-26T09:07:05.798-04:00This is an interesting story idea, but I agree wit...This is an interesting story idea, but I agree with gj. We need to see her doing something, instead of trying to shrug things off and ignore them.<br /><br />Since this is a reincarnation of Joan of Arc, I sort of expected her to hear voices. I also wondered why she was in the US (albeit the French Quarter) instead of France, but these are presumably cleared up in the mss. The phrase "pain in the ass" stopped me, because I wouldn't use such a phrase myself (and remember this is business correspondence). Literary agents may be made of sterner stuff than me, however.<br /><br />Something else that snagged me-- if she's a skeptic, why does she go to a psychic?<br /><br />If you follow gj's suggestions on the rewrite it will be interesting to see what you come up with.Anonymous Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-39915313723366711092010-07-25T09:58:07.279-04:002010-07-25T09:58:07.279-04:00What does the protagonist DO?
You spend a lot (t...What does the protagonist DO? <br /><br />You spend a lot (too much) of words on what she does NOT do -- believe in reincarnation, etc. -- but nothing about what she DOES do. <br /><br />Cut way back on the set-up (the time when she's resisting her destiny) so it's a single, clear, startling sentence or introductory phrase: She finds out she's the reincarnation of Joan of Arc when SOMETHING HAPPENS, and she decides to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, but the antagonist is opposing her in actions that are more concrete than just a vague "ënd of the world" sort of thing.gjnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-47669082410264146712010-07-25T00:31:19.438-04:002010-07-25T00:31:19.438-04:00nobody minds people showing up back here.
I would...nobody minds people showing up back here.<br /><br />I would break the paragraph after "her beliefs need to bend at least a little" - I'd also make that line stronger. It probably actually shatters her beliefs. I understand how you were saying that line, but you might want to think about it a little.<br /><br />I'd break the second paragraph after "she can't." I'd leave out "because."<br /><br />I like the line, "Worst, she has to rely on herself." It gives good insight into the character.<br /><br />You might not need the line of her wanting her normal life back. I think you show that, or there's ways to show that.<br /><br />I love the line, "not terribly biblical, but he is a pain in the ass."<br /><br />I'd simplify the line that starts with "Now she must."<br />One of the criticisms that I always get, is to use short, concise sentences in a query.<br />You have a lot of good stuff here, good luck!Jolene Perryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04630744737142051232noreply@blogger.com