tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post4313784404098906502..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: QUERY - A SCORPION’S NATURERick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-69518690350260266842009-07-24T17:05:20.638-04:002009-07-24T17:05:20.638-04:00I agree with the Kum Ba Ah comment, and with the t...I agree with the Kum Ba Ah comment, and with the too many conflict comment. <br /><br />Maybe pick the main conflict and mention how a few of the other one's make the conflict worse. <br /><br />I would use some version of this sentence to start with:<br /><br />"Kyle will lash out until he gets even or is booted from camp—either outcome ends his chance to find belonging."<br /><br />Then maybe focus on the tyrant camper (every boy book needs an enemy!).<br /><br />you mention the sunny idiots and the junior counselor - maybe lump those two together into one statement about the counselors in general.<br /><br />You can mention the girl when you mention Brayden. I think the other conflicts don't have to be in the query. <br /><br />Keep it simple, I don't know for sure but I can imagine the query should explain the book in a way 9-12 year olds would understand. <br /><br />That way agents will have an idea of how well you write for a middle grade audience. <br /><br />As a current YMCA program director, I love this idea and I have recently read on at least 5 agents sites that they are desperately seeking "boy" middle grade books. <br /><br />I really think you should mention Boom-Chica-Boom in your novel. It's a Y camp staple song! :) <br /><br />in fact I just got done listening to twenty minutes of that song through the walls in my office.<br /><br />I had no idea there was a janitor style!Juliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06004818838544105847noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-5150396365222448582009-07-24T01:12:04.811-04:002009-07-24T01:12:04.811-04:00I thought that the first paragraph had too much in...I thought that the first paragraph had too much info also. It almost seemed choppy. Little bits of your voice were peeking through...like the part about the dog and the kum ba yah. The rest read like a brief synopsis. <br /><br />Just wondering about the Kum Ba Yah: would it read better if it was hyphenated? Or maybe you could add the word "sing" ahead of it. That might help that sentence flow better. <br /><br />Good luck!Lori Folkmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12707165102926821045noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-14700180601611013862009-07-23T23:14:34.393-04:002009-07-23T23:14:34.393-04:00The first sentence definitely hooked me.
I wonde...The first sentence definitely hooked me. <br /><br />I wonder, however, if there are too many conflicts for a query letter. What's the primary conflict in the story? (How's he going to come to grips with his father's suicide?) <br /><br />There's a lot of info packed into the first paragraph. Would it be possible to streamline the conflict?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com