tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post4709690250700488370..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: QUERY: THESE ARE THE END OF DAYS - Second RevisionRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-16837214703992538222010-01-21T22:14:56.006-05:002010-01-21T22:14:56.006-05:00Okay, I looked at past drafts, and I'm going t...Okay, I looked at past drafts, and I'm going to pull out what was effective in them to help you get a better idea of what worked before.<br /><br />First letter:<br />"Howard is faced with contempt and hostility as he tries to find his footing within the political corridors of power. As he scrambles to solve the mystery, he discovers an entity travelling towards the planet."<br />I don't understand why he's faced with contempt and hostility - and you need to establish that - and we don't know what the mystery is - but this gives us a better hint of what the conflict is for Howard.<br /><br />Second revision -<br />"...by his boss, the Homeland Security Secretary who wants him out."<br />Why does he want him out? Where's the conflict/the stake?<br /><br />One thing that I see consistently is your focus on the conflict as a whole. Like I said in my first comment, first fifty pages! What triggers the conflict, and how will that unfold?<br /><br />Good luck! I look forward to seeing the next draft.Weronika Janczukhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02578288655500573458noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-89909441287146198862010-01-21T22:08:05.195-05:002010-01-21T22:08:05.195-05:00Some feedback from an intern in publishing:
I sta...Some feedback from an intern in publishing:<br /><br />I started to comment on the specific paragraphs, but there are some overarching issues with this query.<br /><br />First of all, queries aren't synopses. Most agents say that your query should cover what happens in the first fifty pages of the manuscript (everything through that first plot trigger) - you want the reader to request the manuscript and not feel like they know the story already.<br /><br />On that note, the focus on the story in a query should be two paragraphs <i>maximum</i>. Cut out the excess and get to the heart of the story.<br /><br />I suggest something like this:<br />One sentence to introduce the global conflict (an entity heading toward Earth) - very short, very concise. One sentence to introduce the main character (I assume it's Howard) and his <i>conflict</i> - What does his appointment have to do with anything? Why are we focusing on Howard? What does he have to lose? What is his goal? Why can't he reach it? Be <i>brief</i> but <i>concise</i>. What is the plot? Something about to hit the planet isn't a plot.<br /><br />Off the top of my head here is my suggestion:<br />"When on November 28th, 2012, news of an entity heading towards Earth is leaked, the President and his Cabinet are removed from D.C. In response, Howard Andersen, a political appointee, is appointed to head FEMA, and . . . " <br /><br />Definitely throw out the paragraph about the ship landing on Mars and the one following. Unnecessary. Like aforementioned, you need to get to the heart of the story. "Howard, once a bitter cynic, finds himself reevaluating his mindset and political motivations," or something like that. <br /><br />You need to focus on Howard's role and importance. By the end of the letter, I have no clue why we care about Howard and what's at stake for <i>him</i>. Also, you make it seem as if he's the only character - no sidekicks? A wife/family? How does it all play out?Weronika Janczukhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02578288655500573458noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-82503029637785028622010-01-19T23:56:06.629-05:002010-01-19T23:56:06.629-05:00This is definitely better. It's certainly a c...This is definitely better. It's certainly a clearer idea of what's happening in the story.<br /><br />Some minor issues.<br /><br />"Howard Andersen, a political appointee, noted for his ability to “influence” policy, is unexpectedly appointed to head FEMA - most other senior members are presumed dead."<br /><br />In this sentence, you might need to clear up why everyone's decided the FEMA guys are dead. Otherwise, it might imply that I could look around my office, realize my coworkers are absent, and presume they are dead. If the FEMA folks all died in an accident, it might help to know that.<br /><br />Also, the phrasing is a tad awkward. You might want to try a more chronological order. "When the FEMA bosses are presumed dead after a massive avalanche destroys their convention center, Howard Anderson finds himself appointed to take their place."Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.com