tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post48896709998534543..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Query- The Thief's GirlRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-13141379608500793772011-02-05T00:27:12.606-05:002011-02-05T00:27:12.606-05:00I like the premise. Young girl training to be a th...I like the premise. Young girl training to be a thief could prove to have some kickass moments in the story.<br />But the query...<br />1. It's too long. You need to get this information down to three paragraphs total. Or under 300 words. Less is more when it comes to queries.<br />2. The first sentence should be your hook. it should tell us something that is unique to your book and your book alone and it has the sole job of 'hooking' the agent's interest. I feel like your hook could be much stronger. A teenager running away from home is not very unique (even getting into trouble with the law isn't all that special in itself, BUT the 'training to be a thief' bit is. I'd try starting there.<br />3. I am a little confused by the starting paragraph. Did Charlotte leave home to be a thief? Cause the first sentence makes it sound like she stumbled into this way of life. And then the second paragraph says that Charlotte thinks she has caught a break when a top thief takes her under her wing. So now I am thinking she does want to be a thief and set to to become one. See my confusion? I'd see if you can make that clearer.<br />4. Also you need to tell us what the consequence will be. What will happen if your MC can't distract the chief of Police from Alessia. What is at sate for your MC? What will happen to her? This should be the last sentence of that paragraph and leave us wanting to know how things will turn out.<br /><br />I hope this all helps a little. Sounds like you have a very interesting book.Tabitha Birdhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08196816108272065974noreply@blogger.com