tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post4932737520913748254..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Immortalis Query -RevisedRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-90689441899432022072009-06-26T23:14:54.224-04:002009-06-26T23:14:54.224-04:00Thanks for the comments and suggestions, I really ...Thanks for the comments and suggestions, I really appreciate it.Katie Salidashttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15159923761047042193noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-22150516909360624372009-06-23T12:09:24.629-04:002009-06-23T12:09:24.629-04:00I would start the query with the story. It's a...I would start the query with the story. It's a given that you are looking for representation and/or publication. Move the word count down into the third or so paragraph. I like the second paragraph. It's a great tagline. It should be the first thing the agent/editor sees when she/he settles in to read your query. Here's how I was taught to do it. Tagline<br />Book info<br />Pitch<br />Bio<br />Great job, as always take or toss. :)Robyn Campbellhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17356555082768185840noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-88462799995910521272009-06-23T09:51:50.807-04:002009-06-23T09:51:50.807-04:00This sounds like the type of book I'd be inter...This sounds like the type of book I'd be interested in reading, but you need some tightening to really make the story shine through. As always take the following comments for what they're worth:<br /><br />I'd start the query with the third paragraph. Move the info in the first paragraph to after your blurb, and ditch the second paragraph entirely - it seems like telling when showing is what you want.<br /><br />For the third paragraph, you've got some 'passive' going on. Try something like: <i>After a brutal mugging, Alyssa is close to bleeding to death when the beguiling Lysander gives her the gift, and the curse, of immortality as a newly turned vampire.</i> <br /><br />Then move right into the next major plot point in the same paragraph: <i>Now both of them have been targeted, not only by an ancient sect of Catholic vampire hunters for the final death, but by the vampires themselves.</i> <br /><br />And hit the agents with your next paragraph: <i> Only by letting go of her old self will Alyssa hope to survive as they fight against two sets of enemies bent on destroying them both.</i> <br /><br />With the last paragraph, you're telling again. Give them the title, the word count, and the genre. Say something like: Immortalis: Carpe Noctem - a paranormal romance complete at 80K - is my first novel and was written as the first in a series of dark, sexy vampire stories. Below is x-number of pages (a synopsis, or whatever they ask for). I would appreciate the opportunity to send the rest of my manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.<br /><br />Like I said, the premise sounds interesting. You just need to let the agents see the bones of it, without cluttering it up too much. Get the pages requested, and let your words do their job.<br /><br />Good luck. I really do hope I can buy this someday. =o)B.E. Sandersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04336115135400388268noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-23333698722704249862009-06-23T09:27:10.844-04:002009-06-23T09:27:10.844-04:00I love the story and I think you have a great quer...I love the story and I think you have a great query started.<br /><br />In my humble opinion I would just make a few changes:<br /><br />1. Take out paragraph 5 - the thank you is enough.<br /><br />2. take out where the mugging takes place - words are precious and this isn't vital to your query<br /><br />3.why are Alyssa and Lysander targeted all of the sudden? just because they are vampires?<br /><br />4.What ancient law is the ex-lover using?<br /><br />You did a great job with both the internal and external conflict! Way to go!MonikaSnoreply@blogger.com