tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post5212176550875920464..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: QUERY- MAD AS A HATTER (revision 2)Rick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-27221048955862838252010-09-30T08:16:18.660-04:002010-09-30T08:16:18.660-04:00Just three nit-picky things.
I would change the f...Just three nit-picky things.<br /><br />I would change the first sentence as anonymous suggested.<br /><br />I would also take out the "so" which begins the next. Start the sentence with "when".<br /><br />I think I would also change the wording about his mother...<br /><br />I don't understand why, if the murders are taking place in London, and Emil doesn't live there in the first place, why would his mother send him there to be safe. I understand the need to correlate Emil and James but it kind of doesn't make sense. <br /><br />Perhaps if you show James and the mother having some past relationship instead of building on her fright.<br /><br /> <br /><br />Great job, with the last two paragraphs though. Almost there.Anne Gallagherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05816355522284492131noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-60036551894067069412010-09-30T08:05:50.120-04:002010-09-30T08:05:50.120-04:00If I was a frightened mother, I don't think I ...If I was a frightened mother, I don't think I would send my child to live with the man investigating murders. Just saying. <br /><br />And I might change it to:<br />Seven years ago, Emil Aleric and his sister were kidnapped. Only Emil survived.So when word...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com