tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post5219083232618413295..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Query - Hidden in ShadowsRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-86150331949758346862010-08-11T23:14:00.640-04:002010-08-11T23:14:00.640-04:00Hey there!
Okay, Not too bad. Sounds like an intr...Hey there!<br /><br />Okay, Not too bad. Sounds like an intriguing premise!!<br /><br />A few thoughts:<br /><br /><b>I would love for you to consider HIDDEN IN SHADOWS, a 96,000-word urban fantasy romance novel.</b><br /><br />This seems a little too chummy for your opening. <br /><br /><b>Lorna McCloud is an assassin hell bent on avenging her father's murder only she has no leads. Soon she has more important issues to deal with than whether to use a dagger or a gun to kill her next target.</b><br /><br />This paragraph seems all over the place. You're doing good by bringing up the hero of your story first, but there needs to be something that grabs the reader by the throat. <br />This plus, the rest of the query does nothing to address her finding her father's killer. First you tell us she's abducted by a secret society, then goes to an island...why? <br /><br />My suggestion: Write out your one sentence idea that originally made you write the story, and then build upon that for your query letter. It reads as a short synopsis right now, but there is nothing gluing the paragraphs together.Jason Myershttp://jasonamyers.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.com