tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post5260666299576171731..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Query - The Night Starts HereRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-29834364001737580942009-07-18T13:58:59.672-04:002009-07-18T13:58:59.672-04:00Yeah, to AM2C, if Beth's the MC, write the que...Yeah, to AM2C, if Beth's the MC, write the query starting w/ her.Joshua McCunehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17367262185912463258noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-73596773601249227352009-07-18T08:52:25.104-04:002009-07-18T08:52:25.104-04:00When I first read the query,I assumed they were zo...When I first read the query,I assumed they were zombies. I didn't automatically jump to vampires. <br /><br />The story sounds really interesting! I think it would be great if you started the query with a sentence or two about Beth's human life. <br /><br />I really thought the MC was Simon based on the query. <br /><br />Since he's not the MC it's probably ok to make him seem like the "bad guy" in the query.Juliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06004818838544105847noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-77128742508916050682009-07-17T22:04:35.935-04:002009-07-17T22:04:35.935-04:00Zombies are also undead, that's what I thought...Zombies are also undead, that's what I thought they were.<br /><br />A ghost incarnate is interesting, though.Rick Daleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-65049562882614936042009-07-17T21:41:00.237-04:002009-07-17T21:41:00.237-04:00I think there is a very interesting story hidden u...I think there is a very interesting story hidden under this query, but it is kind of confusing. You might want to post some pages.....it is the tone that I'm not sure of. It started one way (romantic, dark) then (for me as the reader) it seemed a bit tongue-in-cheek....?<br /><br />Also, I just have to say this.....Beth=Bella. Names are just too close for me.<br /><br />Good luck. I think there is something here.<br /><br />Shelleystoryqueenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07039684494823420722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-69671023929502893302009-07-17T18:23:43.643-04:002009-07-17T18:23:43.643-04:00Madeline: Oh, I'll bet they don't sparkle,...Madeline: Oh, I'll bet they don't sparkle, either. Now I feel cheated!<br /><br />Ghosts are cool, and that explains why Beth had to die earlier on. You might find another word than "undead," though. Maybe call them "shadows" or something; "undead" makes me think of vampires right off.<br /><br />Anyway, Simon sounds like the antagonist, so don't mention him until you've told us who Beth is; make it clearly Beth's story.scott g.f.baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05726743149139510832noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-3423866891471217592009-07-17T18:05:41.042-04:002009-07-17T18:05:41.042-04:00Thanks guys!
I guess I did get carried away, it i...Thanks guys!<br /><br />I guess I did get carried away, it is pretty long. <br /><br />Beth is the MC, it just does change through POVs so I was trying to give Simon his first bit in there, but you're right it's confusing. <br /><br />I'm starting from scratch-- we'll see how this goes, thanks for the feedback. <br /><br />And to Scott, they're not vampires-- more like ghosts. I know, you're so disappointed, right?Madelinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09026346305559979604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-40537873168231263862009-07-17T17:26:30.259-04:002009-07-17T17:26:30.259-04:00So by "undead" you mean "vampire&qu...So by "undead" you mean "vampire"? If so, just say "vampire" and don't be coy about it.<br /><br />This seems to be Beth's story, so start with her. And start with her past the back-story: "Beth WishIhadalastname is undead." Talk about Beth, if she's the protagonist, for five sentences and then stop.<br /><br />"Beth is a vampire, a member of a vampire gang living in a subterranean city. When Simon, the possessive vampire who made Beth into one of the undead, joins her gang...etc." The whole Aristocracy/Dominik thing sounds like a subplot, not the real plot. What's the central conflict? Pick one and talk about that.scott g.f.baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05726743149139510832noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-70966672874974838752009-07-17T16:27:51.681-04:002009-07-17T16:27:51.681-04:00General comment: it's too long and more of a s...General comment: it's too long and more of a short synopsis. You want your query to reflect the heart of your story. Is it about Beth or Simon? If it's about Beth, then start with her.<br /><br />Some specific points:<br />"Simon Hawkins is undead. Not alive, not dead."<br /><br />This strikes me as redundant, the agents you should query will know what undead means.<br />-<br />"He's also in love with a very much human girl named Beth."<br /><br />"a very much human girl" is awkward to me. At minimum it should be hyphenated very-much-human because the three words form a single description.<br />-<br />"The only issue is that Beth is going to break up Simon"<br /><br />Break up with Simon?<br />-<br />"He changes Beth into one of the undead."<br /><br />Does this heal her wounds? Death in a car crash is usually pretty hard on the body.<br />-<br />"the usual un-dead"<br /><br />undead is hypenated here, but it isn't in your prior usage.Rick Daleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-81519874703376032272009-07-17T16:19:19.203-04:002009-07-17T16:19:19.203-04:00Hi, take w/ a grain of salt (TWAGOS :) -- the quer...Hi, take w/ a grain of salt (TWAGOS :) -- the query is a bit long (and reads more like a synopsis) -- try to boil it down using some of the queries Rick links to (i.e., Anatomy of a good query letter I & II) and perhaps some things from query shark as models for length, depth, and breadth for ideal queries...<br /><br />My bigger issue w/ the query is your MC -- he comes across as a jerk (well, worse than that -- orchestrating a car crash to kill this girl)... You don't necessarily need to paint him as a sympathetic character, but you probably don't want to portray him as a vehicle of death in your query (or if you do, try to do it in a more sympathetic way).<br /><br />Hope this helps.Joshua McCunehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17367262185912463258noreply@blogger.com