tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post5486401968088686540..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Revision 1-BROKENRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-79606765357124563642009-03-30T16:34:00.000-04:002009-03-30T16:34:00.000-04:00I believe I was writing it with a "back of the boo...I believe I was writing it with a "back of the book blurb" approach, adding my voice to it, and trying to MAKE the agent want to read it -- hence, the mystery and the green purse. But I can see that isn't working for a query.<BR/>Thank you. I really appreciate the feedback. I'll continue working on it. As you said, pulp, back to basics.<BR/>Cheers.Dawnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17015145093527467238noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-82308032391356298542009-03-30T15:03:00.000-04:002009-03-30T15:03:00.000-04:00Back to basics:1. What is the hero's problem? Wha...Back to basics:<BR/>1. What is the hero's problem? What does he crave, need, or fear?<BR/>2. What is the obstacle to him getting what he wants? What makes it so tough to beat?<BR/>3. What does the main character do to beat, circumvent, or give in to the obstacle?<BR/><BR/>and 4. What's the theme or big question in the story?<BR/><BR/>These elements do not only apply to thrillers and romances. They may be subtle and eloquently approached in your prose, but in a query they should be--equally eloquently but more concisely, and damn, that's hard to do--answered. With flavor added. And a logical plotline.<BR/><BR/>Here's a top-of-the-head outline that touches on the story questions:<BR/><BR/>Alec Sumner is still recovering from a failed love affair and believes he will die the death of a thousand emotional cuts if he falls in love again. He won't even let himself ogle the fascinating man who took down a mugger on the street.<BR/><BR/>When a freak Craigslist accident causes him to become that same man's housemate, Alec's resolve dissolves. He's hopelessly in love with Eli. Eli, though, has promised his heart and life to the imprisoned rock star Fabiano.<BR/><BR/>Alec throws himself into destiny's maw and empties his bank account to rescue his rival so Eli can know happiness ... all the while battling his bittersweet hope that Eli will reward his sacrifice with love.<BR/><BR/>BROKEN is a 63,000 word work of gay fiction that reminds us that no matter what scars mark you, there is someone who will love you back to life...if you are willing. (simplified and shortened)<BR/><BR/>Of course, your own words and story will be superior to the above, but I think you need something like this.<BR/><BR/>I do like the image of the emerald green purse. It's out of balance with the rest of the query, though.pulphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17355139388706278494noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-86241120188639771972009-03-30T15:01:00.000-04:002009-03-30T15:01:00.000-04:00I think this is more intriguing than the original....I think this is more intriguing than the original.<BR/><BR/>The first sentence is written in past tense, it should be present tense. I'm not sure the agent needs to know he is holding his friend's purse, though. <BR/><BR/>I think you should reveal to the agent the heartbreaking reason why Eli is not hoping for romance. From what I've gathered, agents don't want to guess at your plot, they need to know it. If there's a twist, you need to show them what it is (show them, don't tell them).Rick Daleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.com