tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post5523574848311838844..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: COMMERCIAL FICTION QUERY: A HUMAN ELEMENTRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-25390181278301624002011-02-09T12:47:38.884-05:002011-02-09T12:47:38.884-05:00Thank you all for the feedback and recommendation ...Thank you all for the feedback and recommendation to shorten the genre title.<br /><br />And to answer this: Question:<br />Is Laura really going to fight him alone? Why wouldn't Ben be helping her, if they are in this together?<br /><br />Yes, Ben is helping her - but she decides to go it alone and disappears to fight the man herself (as she and the killer have the same powers) and she wants no more death on her hands of those she loves. Everyone she loves has died in the past.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-68952799918091485512011-02-09T11:20:10.147-05:002011-02-09T11:20:10.147-05:00Interesting. And I agree to scrap the beginning. I...Interesting. And I agree to scrap the beginning. It's a little confusing and wordy. <br /><br />Also the genre "commercial mainstream dark novel" is there anyway to trim it down some? Maybe just say mainstream dark novel? or thriller?Natty Bhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06306237582005336118noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-90763282543269687262011-02-09T09:54:00.583-05:002011-02-09T09:54:00.583-05:00Nice. I don't think you should give away the ...Nice. I don't think you should give away the killer's identity. It's good that you mention him to build suspense though.<br /><br />Question:<br />Is Laura really going to fight him alone? Why wouldn't Ben be helping her, if they are in this together?Faracihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07060569590492957969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-31850983358547354682011-02-09T06:37:15.314-05:002011-02-09T06:37:15.314-05:00COMMERCIAL FICTION QUERY: A HUMAN ELEMENT (2ND VER...COMMERCIAL FICTION QUERY: A HUMAN ELEMENT (2ND VERSION)<br /><br />Dear Agent,<br /><br />At 26 Laura Armstrong can’t escape death. Her parents were burned alive, her best friend’s throat was ripped out and her boss’s head was blown off in her lap. And she doesn’t know why. Could the evil man who chases her in nightmares be the killer? Then there’s the man in black who watches her from afar. His mysterious notes tell her she must use her special powers to save herself as she is next, leaving Laura with more questions than answers. <br /><br />Could it all be connected to the meteor that hit her hometown lake nearly 30 years ago? Ben Fieldstone thinks so. He was there the night his parents were crushed under it. Laura finds him there when she visits the lake, searching for answers. Drawn to one another, they discover they are bound by fate, confirmed by the man in black who reveals Laura’s true identity and the secret about the meteor – and that the man who wants her dead is part of her destiny too.<br /><br />With the killer closing in fast, Laura decides she must fight him alone using her special powers to save them. But if they survive can destiny redirect itself and can Laura give her heart to Ben if he knows what she really is? <br /><br />I am seeking representation of my first novel, A HUMAN ELEMENT, a 120,000-word commercial mainstream dark novel. I would appreciate the opportunity to send you the entire manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-49085465794008297362011-02-09T06:34:30.914-05:002011-02-09T06:34:30.914-05:00Question: Do I want to give away who the killer is...Question: Do I want to give away who the killer is in the query - as that is part of the build up...or save for synopsis?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-21573739223189259232011-02-08T20:52:47.652-05:002011-02-08T20:52:47.652-05:00I thought to start at para 3 too! Thanks for the f...I thought to start at para 3 too! Thanks for the feedback and editing on para 4 - I will be incorporating. It flows much cleaner and faster now - on edge as the book is. Appreciate it!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-19901461170676335272011-02-08T18:16:13.869-05:002011-02-08T18:16:13.869-05:00Interesting premise.
I would scrap the first tw...Interesting premise. <br /><br />I would scrap the first two paragraphs and start with the third. Put the word count/title/genre in the last lines with your qualifications. This way you can catch the agent with the plot and the characters right away without repeating any information. This will also help with the word count - most agents want 250 words or less for their query letters, and you are over 300.<br /><br />Love the third paragraph.<br /><br />The fourth paragraph can be trimmed down a bit:<br /><br /><br /> Could it all be connected to the meteor that hit her hometown lake nearly 30 years ago? Ben Fieldstone thinks so. He was there the night his parents were crushed under it. [CUT: and spent the rest of his life haunted by their deaths.] [ADD: Laura finds him there when she visits the lake, searching for answers.] [CUT: He returns to the lake to find peace but also finds himself opening his heart to love when he meets Laura there seeking answers too.] Drawn to one another, they discover they are bound by fate, confirmed by the man in black who reveals Laura’s true identity and the secret about the meteor [CUT: – and that the monster who wants her dead is part of who she is.[wait, when did a monster come into this?]]<br /><br />With the escaped killer closing in fast [cut or explain - who is this killer/monster fellow?], Laura knows only she can fight the monster with her powers and save them. But if they survive can destiny redirect itself [CUT: luckily so], and can Laura give her heart to Ben [ADD: if he knows] [CUT: knowing] what she really is? <br /><br /><br />A great start! I hope these suggestions help.Faracihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07060569590492957969noreply@blogger.com