tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post613578893637317874..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Query - The Paw Shake Portal (First Revision)Rick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-26848870728066069032010-10-04T19:48:50.701-04:002010-10-04T19:48:50.701-04:00Thanks so much for your feedback!
I will certainl...Thanks so much for your feedback!<br /><br />I will certainly take out that first paragraph. Lumina's family is endangered by Alley Scratch because they are the "royal family" in the cat world, and Alley Scratch wants to overthrow the rulers. I'll be sure to mention that, too.<br /><br />Additional suggestions are appreciated; otherwise, I'll write the third draft and be back here soon.Shelley Slyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07981620646634240160noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-90776190142250791172010-10-04T13:02:44.332-04:002010-10-04T13:02:44.332-04:00The first paragraph just doesn't work for me.
...The first paragraph just doesn't work for me.<br /><br />The second part's very concise, which is good in the query. You might want to use some of the words you've saved in this draft to explain why her family is endangered by Alley Scratch. After all, if they're cats, Alley Scratch shouldn't be too much of a problem for them, right?Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-36435125267885051602010-10-04T08:59:38.429-04:002010-10-04T08:59:38.429-04:00I would cut that first paragraph. Go straight into...I would cut that first paragraph. Go straight into, "When Alex finds a stray..." The first paragraph is rehashed telling of the things you convey in the 2nd. IE: It's not necessary.<br /><br />If you want, you could add his age, "When eleven-year-old Alex finds a stray..." to make sure they understand it's MG.<br /><br />The plot is clear. I'm not overly familiar with MG queries, so I don't have other advice to offer. It looks good to me and things make sense now. Good work!Stephanie Loréehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03512485557711771802noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-60667977900201593802010-10-04T08:36:41.956-04:002010-10-04T08:36:41.956-04:00Oh, oops-- I see you did change the title. My bad....Oh, oops-- I see you did change the title. My bad.Anonymous Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-18109111376777107482010-10-04T08:35:58.312-04:002010-10-04T08:35:58.312-04:00This is better. The title is still a little offput...This is better. The title is still a little offputting-- anything containing the word "paw" seems cute; not sure if that's just me.<br /><br />The sentence "No, he isn’t a loner." seems out of place-- it's not info we need. The third sentence appears to contradict the first.<br /><br />The "he doesn’t expect..." meme shows up in a lot of queries followed by things nobody ever expects. <br /><br />If Alex is the main character, maybe you should focus more on his plan (specifics! is kindness hugs'n'kisses or a neuter-and-spay campaign?) and how it fails. And if that comes at the expense of telling us less about Lumina, so be it.Anonymous Authornoreply@blogger.com