tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post6277898454595665941..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: QUERY - JULIE’S JUXTAPOSITION (Revised)Rick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-6657966431726276602009-03-20T12:44:00.000-04:002009-03-20T12:44:00.000-04:00Try leaving out the name Michael Nolan; he's not m...Try leaving out the name Michael Nolan; he's not mentioned again.<BR/><BR/>In this version you've deleted all Julie's backstory, and that was important. You didn't need four paragraphs of it, but you need enough to make Julie real and make us care about her. I think some of the missing sizzle is in that backstory.<BR/><BR/>I recommend severely paring the second para, replacing the generalities and statements of theme to tell more of the exciting story. <BR/><BR/>And I agree with a previous commenter on the title.pulphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17355139388706278494noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-1719626079162448202009-03-20T12:14:00.000-04:002009-03-20T12:14:00.000-04:00The first try was long and it feels like the revis...The first try was long and it feels like the revision is too short. At the end, instead of telling us it's a story of overcoming obstacles, etc... it might be more effective to include the obstacles in the main part of the query. The part about how she is attacked by a suspect and her watching colleagues don't try to help (mentioned in the original post)could be used to illustrate the difficulties she faces.lucy in the skyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02379065800611136311noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-37946757437519544982009-03-19T10:45:00.000-04:002009-03-19T10:45:00.000-04:00I see that your really reached the heart of your s...I see that your really reached the heart of your story. Now, add the sizzle as previously suggested. <BR/><BR/>It really is coming along. :)<BR/><BR/>Good luck!!Judyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07265264185683612509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-58456539678673609152009-03-19T10:29:00.000-04:002009-03-19T10:29:00.000-04:00Where's the sizzle?For a thriller, you're going to...Where's the sizzle?<BR/>For a thriller, you're going to need to hook not only the agent, but readers. What might help is to look at the blurbs for other thrillers, say, like James Patterson so that you can truly sell this. Maybe hype up the Crowe Project. What makes them so notorius and secretive?<BR/><BR/>What I like is that you have a female rookie cop taking on this organization. What I'd like more of is life or death, high stakes. But the last part: "is the story of overcoming obstacles, asking for forgiveness, and falling in love."<BR/><BR/>Makes it seems like a romance novel. Imho this could be as exciting as "24" Just go into your book and bring forth the bacon.<BR/><BR/>If this is a romantic thriller,<BR/>then you've got to play up that angle, but I read it as a thriller. Sorry if I'm off on that.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com