tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post6301075838529438489..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Query -- Masquerade RomanceRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-38077184443431726982010-01-18T01:18:51.041-05:002010-01-18T01:18:51.041-05:00Random thoughts.
Probably should move first chap...Random thoughts. <br /><br />Probably should move first chapter to the end and merge into ... I would be delighted... <br /><br />Delete second paragraph.<br /><br />Begin with third...William Smith...<br /><br />Who is Penny, and why is she hiding? Need more details. What sort of trouble is she in?<br /><br />William is determined to marry her, but how does she feel?Lenworthnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-71173729063859542072010-01-18T00:14:06.077-05:002010-01-18T00:14:06.077-05:00I think the voice is certainly present. I don'...I think the voice is certainly present. I don't want to repeat anything that's been said before, but I did want to mention one thing.<br /><br />"When the Earl of Westerly agrees to do his cousin a favor, he is more than surprised upon his arrival at Wakefield."<br /><br />I expect that character to be surprised. I expect things to not go as planned. This would be the moment to tell us what happens that is so surprising. "When the Earl of Westerly agrees to do his cousin a favor, he doesn't expect to end up traveling to Belize to rescue a ravishing, young damsel from a Bavarian prince/ running around the countryside trying to recapture an escaped heard of enchanted fowl/ voyaging to Pluto to discover how its inhabitants feel about it no longer being a planet." Something unexpected.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-9613535032357144082010-01-17T23:18:23.528-05:002010-01-17T23:18:23.528-05:00I agree with previous posts. Nice voice.
But, the...I agree with previous posts. Nice voice.<br /><br />But, the query has continuity and flow problems.<br /><br />First, it's like you have two opening paragraphs ("When the Earl..." being the first, and "William Smith, Earl of..." being the second). I think we need the earl's proper name and title only once.<br /><br />Second, you can't be coy. You have to explain what's going on. What is her secret? You can still leave some mystery in the query, but not at the risk of alienating the reader by hiding what Penny's secret is. Who is she pretending to be and why?<br /><br />Finally, the query is very confusing. In addition to you refusing to let us in on the secret, you tell us what actions they take so they can continue hiding this secret and seek revenge, yet we haven't a clue why they're hiding this secret or for what they're seeking revenge. <br /><br />You've got to streamline. Focus on the romance. Focus on him and her and how they feel about each other, and what lengths he goes to to be with her.<br /><br />It sounds like the book could be interesting, you just refuse to tell me enough about it in this query to make a determintation yay or nay. <br /><br />Focus and tell us the story, and your query will be vastly improved.<br /><br />Good luck.RC Writer Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07825097243026042234noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-24622122276189775382010-01-17T22:58:09.815-05:002010-01-17T22:58:09.815-05:00Thank you for your praise and your comments. It&#...Thank you for your praise and your comments. It's nice to know I finally have a "voice". I've sent Rick my revision to post so you'll be able to see if it has more of a hook. <br /><br />Thanks again. <br />RobinAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-14633718635853900362010-01-17T19:20:57.547-05:002010-01-17T19:20:57.547-05:00I agree, you've got a good voice, and "he...I agree, you've got a good voice, and "heart skips a beat" is used way too much.<br /><br />I also think you need to give a little more information. For instance, you say that no one is talking about Penny, yet William "knows" that she isn't who she says she is and that she's in trouble. If he can't get any information from people how does he know all of that? <br /><br />I had to force myself to read this, it really did lack a hook and all the questions I had weren't out of interest. Make me wonder what Penny is hiding.<br /><br />Again, I do like the tone, you just have some tightening to do. I hope this helps.<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12294516011395206412noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-87619166509606008992010-01-17T18:12:20.564-05:002010-01-17T18:12:20.564-05:00I think you have a lot of good things going for yo...I think you have a lot of good things going for you. Your tone matches the period very well. <br /><br />But a few things that stood out: round off your word count, it looks novice to be that exact. "Heart skips a beat" is cliche. Have you googled the title "Masquerade?" I would think that it has been used to death. Can you come up with something more original? I also think I would leave out that last line about him giving up his dowry to marry her, as that has also been done to death. <br /><br />Your first paragraph needs more of a hook. And sorry to say, but I ended up skimming most of the query. It just didn't grab me...it sounded like so many other books out there. <br /><br />Really focus on what is unique about your book. Help us get a better feel for your characters...why should we care about them enough to read 100,000 words? <br /><br />Like I said before, your tone is perfect for this genre. I could really get a feel for the time period just by ready your query...which is very good! Often times Regencies lack that element of authenticity. That will give you a leg up on the competition. <br /><br />Good luck!Lori Folkmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12707165102926821045noreply@blogger.com