tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post6418854841057657565..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Query- Tainted Legacy (2nd Revision.)Rick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-84587102285303692252010-09-07T14:36:16.249-04:002010-09-07T14:36:16.249-04:00I don't have much to add to the critique this ...I don't have much to add to the critique this time around. I agree with Anon that you need to cut some of the unnecessary phrases, but if the phrasing adds <b>voice</b>, then you should keep it.<br /><br />All in all, I think this is much improved. It's clear, concise, and does a fantastic job of enticing me to the story without letting me know what happens. Best of luck with querying!Stephanie Loréehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03512485557711771802noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-12172462652549353212010-09-03T19:37:27.520-04:002010-09-03T19:37:27.520-04:00While I agree with Dominique that this is better, ...While I agree with Dominique that this is better, you can still cut a lot of excess here.<br /><br />Example:<br /><br />"Despite the rumours, Lizzy pins her hopes on the unspoken bond that has grown between them, hoping that will bring him to her rescue. But Jack lets her down and, with the evidence stacked against her, Lizzy is convicted and sentenced to five years in Holloway."<br /><br />shortens to:<br /><br />"Despite the rumours, Lizzy pins her hopes on the unspoken bond that has grown between them. But Jack lets her down. Lizzy is convicted and sentenced to five years in Holloway."<br /><br />There are several other places where there are phrases that unnecessarily lengthen your query. <br /><br />This sentence is a little hard to understand:<br /><br />"She is forced to put her trust in Jack once more when, shortly after her release, her sister is kidnapped in the belief Lizzy still has the diamond."<br /><br />I wouldn't mention the novella. They're hard to sell.Anonymous Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-72306713574167232692010-09-03T17:08:29.713-04:002010-09-03T17:08:29.713-04:00This version is much better. You've trimmed a...This version is much better. You've trimmed a lot of the excess and gotten the focus on the main characters and tension. My only thought is that maybe you don't need to mention the rumors -- true or not-- that he killed his best friend, since I'm not sure they really add to the query.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.com