tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post6511324848739647749..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Query: OUT OF TIME (3rd revision)Rick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-34299506354700503362010-01-18T11:07:34.873-05:002010-01-18T11:07:34.873-05:00so much better.
I'm of two minds about the mur...so much better.<br />I'm of two minds about the murphy line, it takes me a bit out of the query narrative, but it seems like it's in the voice of the character, which is good. So i'm not sure. Sorry.<br /><br />And honestly, i might get rid of your last paragraph, or at least clean it up a bit. I know some people liked it, but when i read that you have "concise execution", (and i'm a bit cynical) well i'd better see a letter perfect Query, otherwise you've just proven yourself a liar. I know not everyone sees that, but some agents might, so if it were me, i'd take it out since it's better to be safe than sorry. If you do have concise execution, they will see it in the manuscript. Show, don't tell and all that ;-)Sarah Ahiershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02795455714801965956noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-29691955415218676732010-01-17T14:51:20.555-05:002010-01-17T14:51:20.555-05:00Little things. Watch for repetitive words. Example...Little things. Watch for repetitive words. Example: Visit-"Drew makes the decision to use the device to travel back to *visit his father, renowned musician Doc Evans, who died when Drew was young. He *visits his father in 1947 Chicago just as his father is getting his big break at the new Jazz Ltd nightclub." <br />In the second sentence you could use something like "He arrives back..."<br />And you use "Drew" to close together in, "Drew chooses to bring his by-the-book partner back to help. Drew must use their experience with combating gangs to force..." Read it out loud and you'll hear these things. <br />Re the Murphy thing. It was okay with me but my 26 year old daughter said it stumbled her too. At first she was like who's Murphy? Could this be an age thing? Maybe younger readers don't use that expression as much? <br />The only other thing is I'd like to feel more of a threat from the mob other then they have "a newfound interest". That doesn't sound too threatening but its your major conflict. <br />Like I said these are little things. Your query is much better!Aimlesswriterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03012050763172251381noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-22381294889964466082010-01-17T13:03:35.964-05:002010-01-17T13:03:35.964-05:00I agree. I don't particularly like the Murphy ...I agree. I don't particularly like the Murphy line, it feels like it's taking focus off of the story. It's interrupting the flow for me.<br /><br />And the line "Drew must use their experience" is awkward. If you would say "They" or "Drew and his partner" it would work better with your use of "their experience." There are two of them, it isn't just Drew anymore. <br /><br />Good job, and good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12294516011395206412noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-59636299734201745522010-01-17T12:06:55.250-05:002010-01-17T12:06:55.250-05:00Great, nice job. I'm still not sure about the...Great, nice job. I'm still not sure about the Murphy line but that's my own tick. I also like the new paragraph with the buddy.<br /><br />Good Luck Allan.Anne Gallagherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05816355522284492131noreply@blogger.com