tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post6970386695772049306..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: QUERY- REVERSAL OF PROVIDENCE- 1st RevisionRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-43165972948082104842011-02-23T18:26:32.808-05:002011-02-23T18:26:32.808-05:00I can't really get past the first sentence. &q...I can't really get past the first sentence. "Ryan Anderson, salesman in a hurry" is clunky -- what's wrong with "a salesman" ? And why bother mentioning he's a salesman, if that isn't essential to the story?<br /><br />"turns livid" reads awkwardly and doesn't convey what you hope it does (especially since he gets "even more angry" in the next paragraph, which is hard to do, once you're livid). And the dangling "mangling it" deflates what's left of the sentence. <br /><br />But by the time I reached "even more angry," I began to question your grasp of English grammar. I'd have to assume the language in the rest of the manuscript is equally stilted.<br /><br />Part of the problem is that you're spending too much time on the setup, and most of the information you provide feels jumbled and doesn't show, just tells. <br /><br />Start with the action, get to the point. Organize your thoughts. <br /><br />Since it's a thriller, you'd be better of starting with a hook like: "When Ryan Anderson chased down the driver who smacked into his prized BMW, he never imagined he'd set off a race against time to stop a terrorist plot to spark a war between Russia and the US." (wordy, but you get the point).<br /><br />The racing the clock in Seattle thing got me too. Much more fun to race a clock in Paris.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-51519103547541524942011-02-23T10:03:16.655-05:002011-02-23T10:03:16.655-05:00Anon- thanks for the comments- appreciate them- I ...Anon- thanks for the comments- appreciate them- I will check with the tenses and get them to match up.<br /><br />My goal with Ryan is to show not that he was angry, but that he is strong willed/ determined- your comments tell me I did not do a great job with that- and need to rework some of his description. <br /><br />With the plot- I had hoped to put just enough in there to get someone interested in asking for more- that those very things you are asking about are those that would cause an agent to say "I am curious, send me the ms"- I will see if I can reword some of this to give more detail.<br /><br />Again- thanks for reading and your comments- I appreciate it-Markhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05012319566799058050noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-12658356716307277652011-02-22T11:17:18.001-05:002011-02-22T11:17:18.001-05:00Try to get control of your verb tenses. You want p...Try to get control of your verb tenses. You want present tense all through. As it is you're shifting back and forth between present and past. <br /><br />Ryan doesn't come across as likeable in this query. It may be my misinterpretation, but bear in mind I haven't read your manuscript so I'm basing my judgment entirely on your query:<br /><br />*he cares a great deal about his car<br />*he has a terrible temper<br />* he appears to have something against foreigners<br />*he uses women<br /><br />If he has a redeeming quality, it's not coming through, and Jessica still sounds like furniture, even as "the smart one" (compared to whom?)<br /><br />The plot is still unclear. What, exactly are the Chechens going to do? What is their cargo? Why is a clock in Seattle being raced? Don't hide these things.Anonymous Authornoreply@blogger.com