tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post7120434710189588420..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: QUERY-SUPERNATURALRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-18037613244641913032011-01-19T16:26:56.034-05:002011-01-19T16:26:56.034-05:00All these comments were extremely helpful. Thanks...All these comments were extremely helpful. Thanks for the feedback!TVButlerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13558715017099169735noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-63950006367145306582011-01-19T11:19:41.527-05:002011-01-19T11:19:41.527-05:00Voice is good, characterization is good. Premise s...Voice is good, characterization is good. Premise sounds intriguing, except I'm not sure what the story is.<br /><br />That's your problem.<br /><br />Cut all the backstory stuff down to 1-2 sentences to introduce the character. Then, tell me what said character <b>does</b>. I was interested by paragraph 1, and then I got bored, until paragraph 5 when you hinted at the story. <br /><br />Also, you need to condense and not repeat. As pointed out by another commenter, saying 4 pills is more concise than 2 pills two times a day... and then repeating that she takes 2 in the morning, 2 at night... it gets redundant. Be precise. You have a limited word count. (250 or less ideally)<br /><br />It's obvious you have talent and an cool setting. But in a query, I need to know what the story is about, the central conflict. What horrible things happen to Abbie and what does she do about them?<br /><br />Keep going. This is good. Best of luck!<br /><br /><a href="http://blog.stephaniemloree.com/" rel="nofollow">Scribbler to Scribe</a>Stephanie Loréehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03512485557711771802noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-15266580991899856232011-01-19T10:36:10.884-05:002011-01-19T10:36:10.884-05:00I agree that it's too long. I was thinking eve...I agree that it's too long. I was thinking everything in the first three paragraphs could be said in one or two sentences.<br /><br />Side details aren't necessary, like the person trying to drown themselves. Focus on the central conflict. What is the central conflict?Anonymous Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-21524501218462366252011-01-19T01:24:21.567-05:002011-01-19T01:24:21.567-05:00I like your premise. I think I would change that f...I like your premise. I think I would change that first sentence to just read "Takes four pills a day" to make it more concise.<br /><br />The query is a bit too long ... I started skimming when I got to the fourth paragraph. I think you can skip that entire paragraph and still have the essence of your story.<br /><br />One thing about the title, Kiersten White has a book coming out this summer called "Supernaturally". I would want to avoid any book title that would be similar to a book most agents/editors are aware of.<br /><br />I like your voice and I think you'll get some bites off a revised query. Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-63425771414637032072011-01-18T20:44:13.480-05:002011-01-18T20:44:13.480-05:00This sounds interesting...but I don't see a ma...This sounds interesting...but I don't see a major plot for the MC. What does she spend the whole of the book doing?Elena Solodowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03037029195682225565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-840999055886233162011-01-18T20:05:28.278-05:002011-01-18T20:05:28.278-05:00This sounds really interesting.
I am, of course, ...This sounds really interesting.<br /><br />I am, of course, very curious about the details of the institute as well as the setting. Is it futuristic? Present-day?<br /><br />This might sound strange, but it made me think of Lois Lowry's "The Giver".<br /><br />Good luck :-)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13955854427063032485noreply@blogger.com