tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post716344175927725623..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: AMELIA'S MONSTERS SAMPLE PAGESRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-23070071302087000262009-07-08T15:57:24.287-04:002009-07-08T15:57:24.287-04:00I agree with Scott on this being a slow start with...I agree with Scott on this being a slow start with too much backstory. Were they forced to move somewhere quiet because of something that happened in the old house? Should you start there? Then perhaps you could show how the monsters terrorize her, instead of tell us they do.<br />The opening paragraph confused me because it says monsters are following and then it says they terrorize her from inside her closet. I had no idea where she was.<br />Just a factual thing: Most therapists do not leave doors open so anyone can listen in. Part of the trust-me issue is privacy.<br />You've written some nice moments and description, which you can weave into more active scenes.Tricia J. O'Brienhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05993110400088806252noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-77267284444398914992009-07-08T12:40:00.186-04:002009-07-08T12:40:00.186-04:00Hi, thanks for posting your first pages! I like th...Hi, thanks for posting your first pages! I like the flow; it's gently melancholy. But I think there are two main problems with this opening:<br /><br />1. The first paragraph sounds tacked on. It has no relation to anything that comes after until paragraph 13. I'd lose it.<br /><br />2. This all feels like back-story, not like story. What's the first dramatic event in your book? You might consider starting there instead, and folding in some of this afterward. The observation about neighborhoods becoming less unique is good, but really, there was not much here to keep me from skimming. Nothing actually happens.<br /><br />Another annoying comment: You use the following dangling modifier construction a couple of times in this, so I assume it's something you do a lot throughout the book: "Before the monsters began to lurk in her closet and conceal themselves in the shadows of her room, and before they ever thought about moving, they had lived in a town where houses were all different..." The subject of this sentence is "the monsters," so the last clause here means that the monsters had lived in a town where all the houses were different. "They" refers back to the subject, which is "monsters." You do a good job with sentence-type variety, but this dangling modifier error is common when you begin with a prepositional phrase, so keep an eye out!<br /><br />The voice here is nice; it looks like this book would be a pleasurable read, but I'd advise starting somewhere further into the story.scott g.f.baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05726743149139510832noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-1829384252072113572009-07-08T12:38:38.904-04:002009-07-08T12:38:38.904-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.scott g.f.baileyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05726743149139510832noreply@blogger.com