tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post7369480963453298586..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: The Nameless - Query (Revision #2)Rick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-30262884032424514882010-02-16T22:50:57.521-05:002010-02-16T22:50:57.521-05:00Wow, there's one I like. Spare, intriguing, a ...Wow, there's one I like. Spare, intriguing, a few tense and comma issues, but if I were an agent representing this genre I'd ask for pages.Lorelei Armstronghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07639663436142251951noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-84313530801554568122010-02-15T22:05:07.971-05:002010-02-15T22:05:07.971-05:00@Stacy
Good catch on the tense. I will change tha...@Stacy<br /><br />Good catch on the tense. I will change that. Thanks.<br /><br />@Peidmont Writer<br /><br />I’m not surprised you liked the addition of “her life.”:) It was a great suggestion and I snatched it up immediately. Thanks!<br /><br />Also, sigil is a word. I swear I did not make it up. I did not think it was that obscure but that is a question I have gotten more than once.Emily Jhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09771345161030707976noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-65768862050239625432010-02-15T21:20:54.034-05:002010-02-15T21:20:54.034-05:00Great. Much better hook this time. I, too, liked...Great. Much better hook this time. I, too, liked the Sharpie and matches part.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-27988300201712876482010-02-15T19:20:59.808-05:002010-02-15T19:20:59.808-05:00Excellent job, very nice, very good. I LOVE the S...Excellent job, very nice, very good. I LOVE the Sharpie and book of matches. I think "...her memories, her life, her very soul." is good, don't you. It adds that much more.<br /> <br />I really like the first sentence -- grabby. Great hook.<br /><br />Just one typo -- sigils -- is that supposed to be signals? or is that a word I don't know. If so, I would put it in quotes. 'sigils'.<br /><br />Nice job, very well done. Good luck with your query.Anne Gallagherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05816355522284492131noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-18118078949209634332010-02-15T19:19:16.621-05:002010-02-15T19:19:16.621-05:00I'm still very new to all of this, but the one...I'm still very new to all of this, but the one thing I noticed right off the bat was the change of tenses. <br /><br />You should stick to the present tense i.e.: Eighteen year old Erica Ann Dawson falls asleep in bed and wakes up in a car, driving on a four lane highway.<br /><br />This phrase: "being replaced, being usurped" is awkward. I'd use only one word and probably "replaced". Better yet, go from passive to active: A creature known only as a Changling is slowly replacing Erica's life.<br /><br />In paragraph six, you could say "she plunges into a world of magic". Using "the girl" is a little confusing, even though I understand (now) why you're doing it. However, an agent probably won't.<br /><br />I also don't know if you need to mention the town, even though you listed it twice. Is it really relevant to the query?<br /><br />The story does sound interesting (if not a little like Stephenie Meyer's "The Host"). I hope I've been able to help a little. Good luck on your search for an agent.Stacy McKitrickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07898731847653710759noreply@blogger.com