tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post7416282615966558123..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Query - Fallen Knight (1st Revision)Rick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-19784862649589090202009-12-24T21:37:03.740-05:002009-12-24T21:37:03.740-05:00Jason,
The title has a dual meaning. Primarily f...Jason,<br /><br />The title has a dual meaning. Primarily for the knight who is beaten, he sets everything in motion. But there is also a secondary character who it also refers to as well.<br /><br />DLDL Hammonshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02007260062331783715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-30420373248597386372009-12-24T13:01:43.900-05:002009-12-24T13:01:43.900-05:00So the person who is going to do the new bio-terro...So the person who is going to do the new bio-terrorism is one of the Knights? I only ask because your title is Fallen Knight, so I can only assume this...of course, I'm probably wrong! Does the title give away the mystery?!@Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-70421080479930787792009-12-23T14:45:28.248-05:002009-12-23T14:45:28.248-05:00I cannot recall the last time I've been this f...I cannot recall the last time I've been this frustrated.<br /><br />I swear to you that there are more grammatical errors in this letter than there are in the entirety of my novel. I just can't seem to make it sound natural. The whole things a dangling modifier. ARGH!!<br /><br />Okay, enough spewing, down to the nuts and bolts. I'm going to make this thing work! <br /><br />Lt. Cccyxx, better does = killing more people (in the villains twisted mind).<br /><br />I see your point about Dianne Williams, but the problem she's 40% of the book and I also want to curry the favor of those agents who seek strong female characters (which she is). Any suggestions about how to handle that?<br /><br />Third paragrapgh, I agree with your suggestions.<br /><br />About their behavior as Knights. Ironic may not be the right word here. As college students they were given the label because of their mischievous antics. Now as adults, their actions throughout the book exemplify the true personna of knights. A nickname that was so off-handily given to them, ends up being prothetic. Any suggestions on how I can weave that thread in would be much appreciated.<br /><br />Rick,<br />The events of the book are present time, 25 years after the original bio-terrorism. Very little news coverage was devoted to this true-life event (Google 'Rajneeshee'). It wasn't suppressed, just under the radar.<br /><br />Singular to plural noted. One mastermind + one cohort. I need to keep it gender-neutral though.<br /><br />The stricken friend is a knight.<br /><br />The shooter is dead, committing suicide at the end of his rampage. I'll clear that up.<br /><br />Unconventional = amateurish, illegal, blackmail, and lucky. <br /><br />I agree after reading the link you posted. This is closer to a Mystery/Suspense.<br /><br />Heyday it is.<br /><br />Thanks all.DL Hammonshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02007260062331783715noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-92018892586293825972009-12-23T13:03:38.802-05:002009-12-23T13:03:38.802-05:00Actually, it's "heyday" (one word), ...Actually, it's "heyday" (one word), a period of great success, popularity, or vigor.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-86871587732767225232009-12-23T12:22:04.889-05:002009-12-23T12:22:04.889-05:00And it is "hay day" ... as in a day to c...And it is "hay day" ... as in a day to cut hay (because of good weather), not "hey day" ... as in a greeting. "Hey, Day! How'd it go?"MitMoihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05748735568467215959noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-50733783035463042002009-12-23T10:58:10.430-05:002009-12-23T10:58:10.430-05:00It sounds like a story I could enjoy, but I think ...It sounds like a story I could enjoy, but I think the query still needs clarification. The way the plot is described it leaves many questions and potential holes:<br /><br />- In the first paragraph you move from past to present tense. How long in the past was the 1984 attack?<br /><br />- "the largest bioterrorism attack documented..." seems to be at odds with "barely publicized..." It was documented, someone knows about it, so who suppressed the info and why?<br /><br />- <i> Somebody did take notice...they can do better </i> you move from singular to plural, is this an individual or a group?<br /><br />- Is the stricken friend another knight?<br /><br />- <i>facts about the young shooter, like a note found on his body</i> this makes me think the young shooter is dead. If not, he would be incarcerated. Unless "his body" is the victim and not the shooter, but there is no mention of another person to attribute the pronoun "his" to in this sentence.<br /><br />- <i>Although the knight’s methods are unconventional, when a cryptic series of numbers link several other crimes to the boy, it pulls the covers back on an unbelievable plot.</i> What makes their methods unconventional? The first clause is a dangling modifier, it is seemingly unrelated to the rest of the sentence.<br /><br />- <i>Racing to unravel the scheme before it’s too late; ironically they come to personify the grand chivalrous behavior their nick-name once proudly stood for.</i> The semi-colon is used incorrectly here, it should come after a complete sentence and this starts with a fragment. I also don't see the irony; you would expect a knight to be chivalrous, and irony would be if they did the opposite of what you expect. You can twist it to spin off the goofy nature of the Python knights, where your group of protags are actually chivalrous and not just out to arrange shrubberies and cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with...a herring. <br /><br />A final comment on the genre selection. Mystery and Thriller are typically viewed differently. Suspense and Thriller are more often paired. This page has a good overview of different genres:<br /><br />http://www.agentquery.com/genre_descriptions.aspx<br /><br />Good luck!Rick Daleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-82544292685614041112009-12-23T10:20:43.976-05:002009-12-23T10:20:43.976-05:00DL: I like this version better. There are still a ...DL: I like this version better. There are still a few little spelling/grammar issues you should fix. Other comments:<br /><br />-In the second paragraph, could you find another phrase to substitute for "do better"? "Better" = killing more people is odd.<br /><br />-In the third paragraph, I am honestly not sure you gain anything by mentioning Dianne Williams, at least not be name, since that's the only time she comes up and we don't really learn much about her.<br /><br />-Very helpful to include discovery that authorities are suppressing information.<br /><br />-This whole thing is problematic:<br />"Although the knight’s methods are unconventional, when a cryptic series of numbers..." First, you might want to capitalize Knights. Second, the possessive is wrong. And third, both "methods are unconventional" and "cryptic series of numbers" are extremely vague.<br /><br />-Fourth paragraph: you don't need "by a suspicious police detective and the FBI."<br /><br />-I don't understand why their behavior is ironic. If you explained earlier why they were called The Knights, it might make more sense.<br /><br />Hope this is helpful.Lt. Cccyxxhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18421346964929818151noreply@blogger.com