tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post7420048386415375268..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: QUERY - DARK VISIONSRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-29528436913113211832009-08-14T19:13:34.163-04:002009-08-14T19:13:34.163-04:00I would just suggest cutting out some of the chara...I would just suggest cutting out some of the character mentions and it would be very a tight letter. I have three main characters and I ended up just not mentioning two of them make it more concise. <br /><br />I would also definitely ask for more, if I were an agent! Very interesting story concept!<br /><br />~TaraTara Lindsay Hallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00970258984995282462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-46184241676009442582009-08-14T17:55:26.487-04:002009-08-14T17:55:26.487-04:00Thanks for the feedback. Rick, I'll try to wor...Thanks for the feedback. Rick, I'll try to work on flow. I felt at times it was a little too stilted myself.<br /><br />JD, I'll try to tighten the query a bit, and seriously consider removing Marissa's name. I thought about that myself earlier, but felt it would involve too many confusing pronouns. But, I'll look at the issue again.<br /><br />Thanks Tricia and Storyqueen for the positive reviews. If only you were agents! :)<br /><br />RJCAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-57766184219635696592009-08-14T15:08:11.697-04:002009-08-14T15:08:11.697-04:00It is clearly written. I like the voice. I'd...It is clearly written. I like the voice. I'd ask for pages.<br /><br />(Again, too bad I'm not an agent.)<br /><br />Shelleystoryqueenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07039684494823420722noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-32376422468050360062009-08-14T14:52:28.158-04:002009-08-14T14:52:28.158-04:00I think you have a great hook, and the formatting ...I think you have a great hook, and the formatting for the hook, then the facts of the book, then the description resonates with me.<br /><br />The description doesn't flow for me though. There are too many characters mentioned, and it is positioned more like a play-by-play synopsis than a concise summary.<br /><br />That being said, the hook would have had me asking for pages. Of course, I'm not an agent, so take that for what it's worth ;-)Rick Daleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-68815235436605090002009-08-14T14:00:00.788-04:002009-08-14T14:00:00.788-04:00Little stuff first:
Nemesis's (not Nemesis...Little stuff first:<br /><br />Nemesis's (not Nemesis') is the more commonly accepted possessive in most copy-editing books, I believe. <br /><br />No need to say it's your first novel. <br /><br />With respect to the substance, it's a bit long, and the set-up takes up too much of the query, with names that either don't matter (the victim's) or are confusing (Mark's) to the rest of the query. Jump straight to the meeting of the protagonist and the detective, summarizing the rest in a single phrase, e.g., When Jasmine LASTNAME has a vision of her best friend's wife's murder, she reports it to the police, even though the wife is her nemesis. Detective Eric LASTNAME, despite ridicule from colleagues ....<br /><br />Okay, that's not great, just showing that it can be done without the people's names, and then you can focus on the two names that matter -- protagonist and detective. Or since it's sort of a triangle story, use descriptive nouns for both men -- the detective and the best friend (if he was an ex-lover, that term would work even better).<br /><br />Also, keep in mind that story is about struggle, about things going wrong, so any time you have things going well ("Things are looking up "), it's a red flag for a dragging plot or at least things that should be skipped in the query. Focus on things going wrong, not going right, e.g., despite some breakthroughs, they can't quite seem to identify the killer, and the anticipated victim's husband is showing signs of mental instability from the stress over the danger to his wife's future, and then she sees problems with Detective Eric, too. <br /><br />JDgjnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-61899746291215448842009-08-14T11:13:08.344-04:002009-08-14T11:13:08.344-04:00I must say this is clear and easy to follow. It is...I must say this is clear and easy to follow. It is also compelling with both the problem and the stakes up front. I'm intrigued by the main character and the plot, and I would want to read a partial or full. But I am not an agent or expert, so I will be interested to see the other comments.Tricia J. O'Brienhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05993110400088806252noreply@blogger.com