tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post8116915628021450048..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: QUERY: THE ACCIDENTAL ALIEN (1st revision)Rick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-25426671683227917282009-09-22T03:47:35.081-04:002009-09-22T03:47:35.081-04:00Thanks, everybody. i appreciate all the feedback. ...Thanks, everybody. i appreciate all the feedback. I will keep working at it.Samnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-79867554922474683632009-09-22T01:48:31.776-04:002009-09-22T01:48:31.776-04:00I agree with RCWriterGirl and Dominique that it...I agree with RCWriterGirl and Dominique that it's still just a list of set-up more than anything. We need the very minimum background possible, and much more conflict. <br /><br />However, I do want to say that I love the idea of a good sci-fi story in D.C. It's also where my story takes place and I am in love with the city! <br /><br />Good luck to you!<br /><br />~TaraTara Lindsay Hallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00970258984995282462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-53196418687797554002009-09-21T23:05:36.619-04:002009-09-21T23:05:36.619-04:00I don't really see this as that different from...I don't really see this as that different from the original query.<br /><br />It still reads more like a listing of things that happene in the novel, without a real explanation of the heart of the novel. I don't get a sense of what's at stake. If Toby doesn't do X, Y will happen. <br /><br />I think for your query to work, there needs to be a real sense of what is at stake. Toby finds a UFO. So what. There's no indication in your query that anything bad is going to happen as a result of this. there's nothing at stake. Doesn't sound like the world is going to come to an end. Sounds like it's your friendly UFO in Rock Creek PArk, hiding out so as not to disturb us Earth folk. <br /><br />Unfortunately, that's kind of dull (even with romantic shenanigans). You've got to tell us a bit more of what's at stake. Is the alien going to eat all of Toby's loved ones if he can't figur out how to send it back to outerspace? Is the UFO going to destroy Washington, D.C., if Toby doesn't send it home? Will it somehow put up the roadblocks for Beech drive during the week to make rush hour traffic more crapola than it already is? <br /><br />I just don't get a sense of that cohesive statement to help me know what's going on. I think your query would be much more effective if you got a cohesive sentence about what's at stake, and got it in early. Then, all your other examples of stuff from the novel (his trip to union station; his falling for kate; his sister and brother-in-law) could reinforce that statement.<br /><br />Good luck.RC Writer Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07825097243026042234noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-19885751216040439392009-09-21T19:38:43.252-04:002009-09-21T19:38:43.252-04:00I feel a certain lack of coherency and action in t...I feel a certain lack of coherency and action in the query. You give lots of set up but not a great deal of what happens as a result.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.com