tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post8539760604972484039..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Query: A DARKER DAWN (Revisited)Rick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-48336217182761850432009-06-06T01:23:15.789-04:002009-06-06T01:23:15.789-04:00Thanks for that, Cherrytart!
:-)Thanks for that, Cherrytart!<br />:-)Rohit Gorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08501512706381161603noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-11208153533570346672009-06-05T13:28:25.461-04:002009-06-05T13:28:25.461-04:00I agree with Susan about removing the first paragr...I agree with Susan about removing the first paragraph. IMO, what makes your book so different is the setting, and that should be the first thing the agent sees.<br /><br />Is Bappa the tormenting teacher? That needs to be clarified.<br /><br />Lastly, the phrase "Avi is assaulted and beaten near death" is awkward for me. The expression "beaten almost to the point of death" is more common.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-62123325992128624182009-06-04T22:32:35.943-04:002009-06-04T22:32:35.943-04:00Many thanks Suzan and Laura!
:-)Many thanks Suzan and Laura!<br />:-)Rohit Gorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08501512706381161603noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-55217210802637228112009-06-04T20:38:40.880-04:002009-06-04T20:38:40.880-04:00Hi, Rohit.
It's my humble opinion, of course,...Hi, Rohit.<br /><br />It's my humble opinion, of course, but I still think the first paragraph should be divided into two sentences - it just runs on a bit, which lessens its "hook" potential. But I also agree with Suzan - perhaps the first paragraph isn't necessary - its similarity (in tone) to I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER lessens the serious impact of your story.<br /><br />Also, I still stand by my critique of the first letter - watch your awkward sentence structure ("Tormented by the..." should refer to the boys, not "their rage") and watch your hyphens (twelve-year-old, 84,000-word).<br /><br />Good luck!Laura Martonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17131901155051433491noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-10761750998486492392009-06-04T13:58:05.359-04:002009-06-04T13:58:05.359-04:00Hi Rohit,
I deliberately have not looked at your ...Hi Rohit,<br /><br />I deliberately have not looked at your first version because I don't want it to skew what I've read here.<br /><br />This is a fabulous concept, but I would rearrange the wording a little to take advantage of the setting, which seems a major influence on how the boys' story unfolds.<br /><br />Take out the first paragraph. It sounds too much like the story is a cross between "I Know What You Did Last Summer" and "Stand By Me," not the image that fits the real story.<br /><br />Start with "Twelve-year-old best friends...by their families in a small town in India." Show how their suffering at the hands of Bappa mirrors the horror around them. I think you can be more specific about what Bappa did to them during the riot to set the four boys on the path of murder.<br /><br />Don't worry about not having any writing credits. We all start somewhere. Your last paragraph ends the query just fine.<br /><br />Good luck on your submissions!Suzan Hardenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04600258874634909988noreply@blogger.com