tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post8674240048098610933..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: QUERY - NEAR EDGWARE (sixth revision)Rick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-44325482530567195652010-02-03T20:14:45.048-05:002010-02-03T20:14:45.048-05:00Thanks for the kind thoughts - I find it hard to l...Thanks for the kind thoughts - I find it hard to lead with this certain knowledge when Jess knows nothing throughout the book.<br />Jess' parents and Caleb's pack know in Book 1. She is blissfully happy and in love.<br />The subtle messages are everywhere in the book - once you know!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15459671422564355990noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-44481778272729957442010-02-01T00:03:01.561-05:002010-02-01T00:03:01.561-05:00I actually did just go back and look at all the qu...I actually did just go back and look at all the queries, and I guess you actually allude to Jess's hunter status in some of the versions. I missed it in the one I'd seen.<br /><br />Again, I'll just reiterate. I think you gotta start with Jess is a hunter, caleb's a werewolf. The conflict is obvious, so it allows you to get into story without too much motivation explanation. <br /><br />Good luck with this.RC Writer Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07825097243026042234noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-45808813711108913392010-01-31T23:56:42.624-05:002010-01-31T23:56:42.624-05:00Yikes! Repeat. Yikes! You've been hiding the j...Yikes! Repeat. Yikes! You've been hiding the juiciest part of your query through six revisions! <br /><br />Thank goodness you finally released it. <br /><br />You are sitting on the landmine of juicy exciting story and you bury it in the bottom of the last paragraph! Don't do it.<br /><br />Start over and start with the juiciest, most exciting thing there is in your story--the heart of your story: Sixteen-year-old Jess Trainer is supernaturally fast, strong, perceptive, and agile; she was born to hunt werewolves, only she doesn't know it. By the time she learns the truth, it's too late: She's already fallen in love with werewolf Caleb Ridgeway.<br /><br />That's your story--forbidden love. All this stuff about the insular Ridgeway brothers and the seething war are scenery. This is a love story about forbidden passion. Sell that, and this query will rock. You gotta start with the meat uptop, then you can back into this other stuff--the pertinent details. But sell me on Jess the werewolf hunter falling in love with the wolf.<br /><br />I know I've read at least one version of this query before. Why has the face that she's a hunter never been expressed before? That's key.RC Writer Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07825097243026042234noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-20154329031746574812010-01-31T12:39:38.588-05:002010-01-31T12:39:38.588-05:00Excellent. Very good. I would pick this up.
My ...Excellent. Very good. I would pick this up.<br /><br />My only suggestion would be making "When his pack in attacked, Caleb is singled out for brutal treatment." the start of a new paragraph.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.com