tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post1434486822676933382..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Query: Ocean FairiesRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-77085872075816354512009-11-04T12:26:09.546-05:002009-11-04T12:26:09.546-05:00In addition to what's already been pointed out...In addition to what's already been pointed out, I'd take a hard look at your character's age and how you want to market (and perhaps reshape) the story. <br /><br />A 15-year-old in the throes of first love is a young adult story. Middle-grade characters (think of "Inkheart" and "Fablehaven") tend to be more involved in adventures sans romance.kathrynjankowskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16708011523767228663noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-34625747564047820922009-11-02T19:39:27.517-05:002009-11-02T19:39:27.517-05:00Thank you, Roni! :)Thank you, Roni! :)wendyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06601761842537889384noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-90873487309617273472009-11-01T21:07:39.572-05:002009-11-01T21:07:39.572-05:00I agree that you should state her age. And if she...I agree that you should state her age. And if she is fifteen, you may need to change things up a bit to make it sound that way. References to giggling and words like roly-poly indicate a younger voice. <br /><br />I would take out the cliches as mentioned earlier. I also think you should cut "cute as ducks" because aren't penguins cute enough birds in their own right? :) <br /><br />Take out "mostly inarticulate", you've already said shy so that covers it, and I personally wouldn't want to read a story where the MC is inarticulate (isn't she my narrator?)<br /><br />Also, when you say "merman", if this is her love interest, I think you may want to reword to make sure he's a young merman or teen merman, otherwise it sounds like a kid with a "man".<br /><br />Love the part about tuna sandwiches. :) And who doesn't love penguins?<br /><br />Good luck!Roni Lorenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02719679344024635326noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-1974488011344771742009-11-01T18:58:43.012-05:002009-11-01T18:58:43.012-05:00Thanks heaps, Julie and Donna. Yes, I agree there...Thanks heaps, Julie and Donna. Yes, I agree there was some awkward phrasing in there. Didn't notice until after the query was posted. <br />Good point about her age. Her age thing has always been difficult, because on the one hand she loves being friends and telling fairy stories to the penguins. But on the other hand she goes sailing with them on her sailing boat and falls in love with the Selkie. So it was hard to pick an age. Perhaps around 15 would cover everything?<br /><br />Thanks again :)wendyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06601761842537889384noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-35419336543790274722009-11-01T16:13:17.903-05:002009-11-01T16:13:17.903-05:00Two awkward phrases: "when with other people&...Two awkward phrases: "when with other people", and "when with her fairy". Reword those and I think, along with adding a specific age for Jesse, your query is ready to go.<br /><br />Just my own curiosity: isn't adolescence when a child starts losing their faith in magic. Would a MC of about 10 work better?<br /><br />Just a curious question, not critique feedback.<br /><br />........dholedolorahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08715849844092553699noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-69574824521815845562009-11-01T10:03:40.197-05:002009-11-01T10:03:40.197-05:00Well first of all you need to say the age of the M...Well first of all you need to say the age of the MC (12 or 13), when you say teenage I think YA but with both you are supposed to state the age of the MC.<br />Also have two cliche's that I would avoid using especially as your hook <br /><br />"round peg in a square hole"<br /><br />and<br /><br />"they like her for who she is"<br /><br />If you could find a way to paint a better visual picture of this world with out adding too much more. I like the word count, it seems appropriate for middle grade fiction.Juliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06004818838544105847noreply@blogger.com