tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post1883034659257291623..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Query-Cure Revision #1Rick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-64078732250666098372011-07-28T13:56:27.806-04:002011-07-28T13:56:27.806-04:00I'd just like to reiterate what others have sa...I'd just like to reiterate what others have said about not having any idea who the protagonist is, and that's a problem for a coherent query. It sounds like the doctor, initially, but then switches to the pregnant woman.<br /><br />Pick one and tell his/her story. A query needs to convince its reader that there's an interesting character with an interesting problem, doing interesting things. <br /><br />Despite the length of the query, we really don't know anything about either of the possible protagonists, as individuals, rather than as stand-ins for a plot element. <br /><br />The doctor does something evil (unwilling human subjects) for a potentially good reason (curing cancer). Which could be interesting, if we knew that he, himself, felt conflicted about it. Or is he just the standard bwahaha-ing evil scientist? I can't tell. <br /><br />And the pregnant woman could be interesting, but I can't tell, because all the query basically tells us is that she's a victim who gets away.<br /><br />You need more character, less plot.gjnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-11234253997604953492011-07-28T08:47:25.852-04:002011-07-28T08:47:25.852-04:00This is going to sound persnickety, but every time...This is going to sound persnickety, but every time you said Nixon -- where I can only suppose you meant to refer to the Nixon administration -- I actually pictured Dick Nixon doing these things, including inseminating random women. That's probably an image you don't want the reader of your query having in his or her head.<br /><br />I share the first commentor's concern over the use of 'infected' as a noun. It is an adjective, and I did stop wondering why it wasn't attached to something. You don't want your readers to stop.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-74528107763421422142011-07-28T04:06:17.930-04:002011-07-28T04:06:17.930-04:00yankinfrance here...
Well, this is slightly less ...<b>yankinfrance</b> here...<br /><br />Well, this is slightly less confusing. But it reads even more like a synopsis -- the flat writing only heightens this.<br /><br />Still, you're clearly not interested in listening to people's criticisms, so why bother posting this? <br /><br />All of the basic problems of the original query remain: the focus on the wrong character, the endless backstory, the too-long word count, the insistence on re-inventing the word 'infected' (using pathogen helps, I suppose, but it's an expensive word here : if it's a virus, call it a virus). <br /><br />You even continue to insist on mislabeling your self-published novel. <br /><br />But I think the real problem is you're in a rush to bump out a query -- you're better off taking a week or so to think about it, work through different iterations, try a number of completely different ideas. Instead of slapping up a barely revised 'revision.'<br /><br />I'm done with this one for now. Like Anon Author says: So. Good luck with it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-22948762166447653382011-07-27T21:42:30.242-04:002011-07-27T21:42:30.242-04:00Of the four individual commenters on your last ver...Of the four individual commenters on your last version, three took issue with the phrase "six zombie infected," <i>sans</i> noun. But it's still in your query.<br /><br />So. Good luck with this.Anonymous Authornoreply@blogger.com