tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post2251611145036937882..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: QUERY - HEART IN SEOUL (revision)Rick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-47810270233895889072009-11-18T08:40:51.530-05:002009-11-18T08:40:51.530-05:00Thanks for all of your great comments.
gj - you a...Thanks for all of your great comments.<br /><br />gj - you are right. I think I'll stick to Melanie's POV and her conflict.<br /><br />Great advice Rick. I'm going to write one sentence with Melanie's problem and expand from there.<br /><br />Thanks all.Gina Loguehttp://ginalogue.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-55574855534266979302009-11-17T17:29:02.051-05:002009-11-17T17:29:02.051-05:00Boil the story down to one sentence and build up f...Boil the story down to one sentence and build up from there. that's the best way to control the length of the query. When you start long and whittle down you will inevitably leave loose ends, but when you build up you are more certain each word is used judiciously.<br /><br />Stay away from subplots and focus on the protagonist, the antagonist, and the dilemma each poses to the other.Rick Daleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-82923768023697322552009-11-17T17:23:31.622-05:002009-11-17T17:23:31.622-05:00Story is about things going BADLY and the protagon...Story is about things going BADLY and the protagonist struggling against the tide anyway.<br /><br />Look at how often you soothe away your protagonist's hurts -- she's in a place she doesn't want to be (Yay! Tension inflating!, but it doesn't bother her (Ah, so it was a false alarm, and the tension is now gone). She clashes with Mr. Yee (Yay! Tension!), but the hero fixes that (Disappointment again: tension gone, and not by the protagonist's doings, either). She makes mistakes (tension), but the hero fixes them (tension gone, and again, not her own doing even).<br /><br />Focus on what goes WRONG, and how it keeps getting worse. Stop deflating the tension and stepping on your own story! If the relationship is progressing swimmingly, there's no story. If someone else is fixing her problems, there's no story. The hero should be making things worse for her, in some way (emotionally, at least), not better. <br /><br />For instance, escalation is like this: She makes a mistake in her old job, and prayer gets her sent to a new job in a strange place. Good, that's a problem, made worse by her own struggle (saying a prayer). She gets there, and makes mistakes, which the hero points out, which makes her annoyed with him (or somehow makes her internal issues worse), so she struggles to prove herself without him, only she makes worse mistakes, and when the hero tries to help, he just causes her to push him further away, and so on.<br /><br />Try doing this SOLELY from the protagonist's point of view, mentioning the hero only insofar as he makes her life more difficult, not from his own point of view. It might clarify the core of the story. As it is, the query jumps back and forth, diluting the impact and making the protagonist appear passive. Sticking to her POV will make it more obvious when the tension is flagging and the protagonist is passive.gjnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-60132196312917843812009-11-17T17:10:41.241-05:002009-11-17T17:10:41.241-05:00In that case, less may be better and what RC sugge...In that case, less may be better and what RC suggests may be a God-send. In that case, you'd want to focus more of your query on the romance plot. Good luck!Victoria Dixonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14012092208934951963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-15729151384267654012009-11-17T16:41:58.018-05:002009-11-17T16:41:58.018-05:00Oops, thanks for catching my mistake.
Victoria, I...Oops, thanks for catching my mistake.<br /><br />Victoria, I know what you mean about the climax, but this query is getting too long. If I include Melanie's final choice, then I have to add Luke back into the query.<br /><br />Because of the limited space, I think I can only include one thread of the story and yet without the other parts, it feels incomplete. Oh what to do, what to do.<br /><br />Thank you both for giving me much to think about.Gina Loguehttp://ginalogue.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-86107483750102671152009-11-17T15:43:43.109-05:002009-11-17T15:43:43.109-05:00Hi, Gina. 1. I think since Luke is a speed bump in...Hi, Gina. 1. I think since Luke is a speed bump in this query, you should probably just call him "her boss." There are lots of names here and his isn't really needed. 2. I'd remove your second sentence in the second paragraph. It doesn't advance the telling of the story and I got confused over who the blond bombshell was. You can combine the 1st and 2nd sentences, though it will make for a long paragraph/sentence. 3. You've got two missing words in the 5th paragraph. from BEING taken (I know it's passive, but what's there doesn't make sense). Also, faith IS tested. 4. I'd like to feel the "THIS is the climax" scene where Melanie must choose between her desires.<br />All that said, this is much tidier and closer. Good rewrite!Victoria Dixonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14012092208934951963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-11875980501528891412009-11-17T14:42:10.943-05:002009-11-17T14:42:10.943-05:00I like the first part of this query. It sounds goo...I like the first part of this query. It sounds good for a romance novel. But, I kinda felt the story fell apart with the whole Korean spy thing. Maybe it works in the story, but as it's described here, it sounds very convoluted. (You've got people stalking her, the US embassy trying to clear her [I'm not even sure they do that] and her fleeing the law with this guy [which to me, it seems would stop the embassy from trying to help her,as she's a fugitive].)If I were an agent, I think I might stop there.<br /><br />I'm not saying your book doesn't work. I am saying, your query gives that impression based on what you've included. I think you'd do better getting rid of so much information about the espionage. As it's described here, it doesn't make a lot of sense (you walkl into a restaurant, so now people think you're a spy).<br /><br />Maybe get rid of this paragraph about the trip, and say somethin more innocuous, like, "Melanie takes a trip to get away and ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Authorities accuse her of espionage, and she only has Brandon to turn to for help. The two grow closer as Brandon tries to help her prove her innocence." Or something like that.<br /><br />On a small note, in the last paragraph about the story, it should read: "as their faith is tested." <br /><br />Good luck.RC Writer Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07825097243026042234noreply@blogger.com