tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post4281361546122155823..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: QUERY- WALKING OFF PLUTORick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-9005008351894885512011-01-04T15:50:03.791-05:002011-01-04T15:50:03.791-05:00I did like the beginning, but be careful of rambli...I did like the beginning, but be careful of rambling. After the first two sentences, it's too choppy. I would combine the first too into something like: <br /><br />Lynn's father is dying - but she's more concerned about Pluto losing its planet status.<br /><br />That's rough, but it gets to yoru point faster. <br /><br />Then go into the next part: <br /><br />Lynn is an outcast in her disfunctional family until she meets Peter. <br /><br />Also, you shift focus from Lynn, to Peter, and then to her sister. If the book focuses on both sisters, you need to start the query with the both of them. Bring Peter in after the fact. <br /><br />Be more specific about the plot. Who's doing what and why and what are the stakes?Elena Solodowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03037029195682225565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-46112196622184962542011-01-03T11:09:05.757-05:002011-01-03T11:09:05.757-05:00I have a habit of putting too much in a query, so ...I have a habit of putting too much in a query, so I started small this time. But I do have more I can add. Thanks for the suggestions!Natty Bhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06306237582005336118noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-88547306000583974622011-01-02T20:54:43.942-05:002011-01-02T20:54:43.942-05:00Metaphors are difficult to put in queries. I had t...Metaphors are difficult to put in queries. I had to read the first paragraph twice to figure out that her father isn't Pluto, and that Pluto isn't an actual setting in the book (or is it?). The premise sounds good, but the conflict seems a bit weak as no stakes have been given. What are the difficult decisions, and what is at stake for Lynn? Consequences? Needs a bit more nail-biting tidbits to pull the reader/agent in. Good start!Kaleenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03104611823742775404noreply@blogger.com