tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post5119684885709354920..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: Query: The End Begins - Sixth RevisionRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-58931473709178609812010-11-04T23:24:34.842-04:002010-11-04T23:24:34.842-04:00Thanks guys. I did feel this a little stifling.
...Thanks guys. I did feel this a little stifling. <br /><br />@ Steph: That is pretty much the core of the novel, but after going through a couple critique sessions some of the details that motivate the main character toward the main plot have changed, and I'm trying to accommodate. But no. 6 is my least fav of the newer ones. <br /><br />I'll go back to no. 5 and do some revisions :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264601190129211824noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-58113514254038561972010-11-04T10:05:35.618-04:002010-11-04T10:05:35.618-04:00Jeff: I think you've over cut. I get an entire...<b>Jeff</b>: I think you've over cut. I get an entirely different plot out of this one than the last one. I preferred your 5th revision.<br /><br />There are issues with excess words and word choice in this version. <br /><br />For example, your first sentence should go something more like:<br /><br />"Rai thought The Nine was an academy created to train magically inclined students."<br /><br />Don't try to overcomplicate things. State them simply.<br /><br />Again see, "On top of that, the<b>y</b> made a trading agreement..."<br /><br />Also, try to keep the ENTIRE query in present tense instead of flopping between past/present. It's jarring. Focus on what the book is not the backstory.<br /><br />Again, I think you should go back to your 5th revision and revise that using present tense and cutting excess words. In this version, I read the plot as Rai's escape from the academy that hunts her. In the 5th version, the plot is her mission and protecting the resources/technology.<br /><br />Which is the real, core plot of the novel? Think of your theme and what you're trying to convey to the reader. I often find that the main plot is the one that conveys the theme of the book best. <br /><br />Example: If the theme is love against all odds, then the plot is often the establishment of a relationship between two people. My current WIP's theme is about growing up, and the plot is a young girl out to prove she's an adult by interjecting herself as a murder-mystery sleuth, despite being totally over her head.<br /><br />Again, hope this helps you. Keep at it. Never surrender!<br /><br /><a href="http://blog.stephaniemloree.com/" rel="nofollow">Scribbler to Scribe</a>Stephanie Loréehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03512485557711771802noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-75471771238141374612010-11-04T09:11:20.971-04:002010-11-04T09:11:20.971-04:00In the first sentence, it should be "for the ...In the first sentence, it should be "for the express purpose"<br /><br />Be specific about what the new power is whe the flesh and crystal are combined. It'll give better dramatic effect.<br /><br />What truth is uncovered? <br /><br />Need a few more specifics...Elena Solodowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03037029195682225565noreply@blogger.com