tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post6261209287383040519..comments2024-01-26T08:04:08.517-05:00Comments on The Public Query Slushpile: QUERY- IRON THIRST - Urban FantasyRick Daleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05173516899130463413noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-19606054803913305272010-03-29T20:54:05.932-04:002010-03-29T20:54:05.932-04:00You guys are awesome! Thank you so much for all th...You guys are awesome! Thank you so much for all the input. I feel really good about the direction this query is going. It has been a rough road. <br /><br />I will polish, and then it's back to synopsis. But first... happy dance. :-)A.J. Freyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15490138130935376612noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-45268313303246489662010-03-29T10:42:37.692-04:002010-03-29T10:42:37.692-04:00First off, There is a huge problem here, this line...First off, There is a huge problem here, this line needs to properly punctuated as this: Dear, Most.Awesome.Agent. EVER! <br /><br />There, now, moving on. <br /><br />I'd move the "why i picked you paragraph" to the end. If there is one thing I've learned form the Shark, is this info should be at the bottom. <br /><br />Kill "love interest". it clashes with the awesome voice you have going on here. It wouldn't hurt to break this into two paragraphs, and thus giving you a little more room to add a bit more. <br /><br />This is a query tat certainly piques interest. Great work.<br /><br />JDJm Diazhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02542245056831474827noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-90146091139523521652010-03-28T01:07:24.888-04:002010-03-28T01:07:24.888-04:00I think you need to remove the comma after vampire...I think you need to remove the comma after vampire. I kept stumbling over it. I don't know that you really want a lot more detail here. Your tone is brief, lightweight and jovial and too much detail will weigh it down. Maybe more specifics is better. Does she meet a hotty would-be VanHelsing? <br />This is really close and I honestly wouldn't mess with it too much. Good luck!Victoria Dixonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14012092208934951963noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-71752592053577254992010-03-27T05:06:07.117-04:002010-03-27T05:06:07.117-04:00Looking for an escape from the norm, Felicity John...Looking for an escape from the norm, Felicity Johnson dresses for trouble, and finds it when she attends DragonCon – the convention that celebrates everything sci-fi and fantasy. <b>(great line. I would consider separating it out as a hook line. I am wondering also if you should specifically show the reader ‘how’ she dresses for trouble. Just a detail or two on that)</b>.<br /><br />Felicity meets a love interest, discovers the dead body of a friend, and stumbles over a real vampire, who develops a thirst for the iron running through her veins.<br /><br /><b>(I think all of this is good but it’s dense and could be expanded into two or three sentences to draw the reader more into the story.</b> <em>Example here: At the conference, Felicity meets a scrumptious attorney named Blake and before she can approach him her best friend disappears. While searching for her best friend, she stumbles across a mangled body and reports the murder to the head of security who offers to help her find her missing friend, etc.</em> <b>Note: the sentences I’ve written obviously aren’t very good, or reflective of your story or your character’s state of mind/emotions, but I think if you can extend your sentence above, you’ll be able to add some useful details to deepen the query. Also I sense a bit of a jovial undertone in the concluding sentence which can be expanded in this section if that’s what you’re going for.)</b><br /><br />The trip that started as a search for adventure leads <b>(stronger verb here)</b> her down a path that could leave her either dead or with the ultimate makeover <b>(delete comma and one)</b> that can't be undone without a stake <b>(delete to, add through) </b> the heart.<b> (like the last sentence too)<br /></b><br /><br />I think you're really close, just add in some details to make your story stand out even more! I'd love to read another draft of the query.About Mehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10011023963327391019noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-11944814226953976462010-03-26T23:03:56.700-04:002010-03-26T23:03:56.700-04:00I think you're going in the right direction wi...I think you're going in the right direction with brevity, but maybe a little more meat. ANd I definitely wouldn't use the term love interest since it's so generic--maybe something descriptive if you don't want to use the name--handsome investigator, hunky cop, whatever.Roni Lorenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02719679344024635326noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-29705452025578931022010-03-26T22:03:25.605-04:002010-03-26T22:03:25.605-04:00I liked it. Lots better than the previous version...I liked it. Lots better than the previous version.<br /><br />Only nitpicky things: <br /><br />Instead of "...the ultimate makeover, one that..." use "...the ultimate makeover: one that..."<br /><br />Should be a dash between 88,000 and word (88,000-word).<br /><br />It sounds like a neat story - one I'd be interested in reading. Good luck!Stacy McKitrickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07898731847653710759noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-84688991850106701892010-03-26T21:39:23.190-04:002010-03-26T21:39:23.190-04:00Well, you've got some concision, which is good...Well, you've got some concision, which is good in a query, and you've fit in a lot of good stuff. It certainly sounds like an interesting story. But, I might suggest a few more details to round it out.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-18282032840568873242010-03-26T20:24:42.388-04:002010-03-26T20:24:42.388-04:00This makes me want to read the book, and I don'...This makes me want to read the book, and I don't even read fantasy.Genevieve Wilsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14403432916401871158noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1588509537601105804.post-60332350205275197052010-03-26T20:18:16.889-04:002010-03-26T20:18:16.889-04:00Your first sentence is a great set up and I loved ...Your first sentence is a great set up and I loved it -- DragonCon, great idea! But the next sentence jumbles the action together too fast for me, and I went "wait wait! Who's the love interest, who's the friend and how did he or she die?" The vampire element is cool and I liked the way you mentioned smelling her iron. <br /><br />But what roadblock apart from sending Felicity on an adventure do those three things present?<br /><br />Your bio paragraph is spot on.<br /><br />I think you have all the information in this story, but the query needs to explain it just a tad further -- pull the conflict out a little more. You're nearly there.Sierra Godfreyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00552916038080341870noreply@blogger.com