Click here to read the original query.
Hi guys, I cleaned up my original query, hopefully it's better. Love to hear what you think. Thanks-
Vipul
Dear Agent:
Phoebus has had a busy few months: falling in love, dying, and leading a rebellion—in that order.
Phoebus is a young, orphaned fisherman living in ancient Phoenicia during the time of Christ. When he and his love Ariadna drown in a storm, they find themselves on the outskirts of Hell. Captured, separated, and enslaved, they sink into despair, until Phoebus inadvertently sparks a rebellion against his demon captors.
He soon meets Durus, a mercenary angel sent to aid him, who informs Phoebus that this conflict is meant by God to distract the devil from events on Earth. Faced with this new mandate, the desire to find Ariadna, and the threat of a growing demon army, Phoebus becomes the unlikely leader of a desperate people. As Jesus' path takes him to the cross, Phoebus undertakes a task that transforms him as much as it changes the fate of the slaves in Hell.
SAVE US is 75,000 words, and is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Aug 4, 2009
Aug 3, 2009
Query- Ferris' Bluff (Revision 2)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Ace Evans, ex-Navy SEAL and undercover operative, is on the run--has been for the three years since his family was brutally murdered. He’s running from the Witness Protection Program that betrayed him, from Russian arms dealers still out for revenge, and nightmares of that tragic fiery night.
He risks a brief visit with an old friend, Granville Tubbs. Ace feels like he needs to stick around the quaint little town of Ferris’ Bluff, Arkansas after he learns that Tubbs, comatose, is being kept in near isolation by the lawyer, Tremont.
While trying to unravel the lawyer’s motives Ace is determined to see that Tubbs gets proper treatment. He’s drawn into the lives of Annie Travers, her two children, and a collection of townsfolk that are pleasant and friendly, and, well…a bit nosy. There’s ‘gossip in the water’ in Ferris’ Bluff, you know. He can’t avoid making friends, try as he might to leave a faint footprint and stay true to his alias.
He can’t seem to avoid making enemies either. Ace is soon at odds with the lawyer, his slutty scheming wife, and a psychotic town tough named Pink.
As if things aren’t difficult enough, a resourceful young Deputy Marshal tracks him down. He urges Ace to return to the WPP, warning him that the Russians are nearby. Ace won’t go back. He likes it in Ferris’ Bluff. Friends new and old need him.
He discovers that the accident that killed Annie’s husband and left her daughter paralyzed was no accident. One of his new friends is murdered. Tremont has apparently stolen some mineral rights from Tubbs, the underlying catalyst for all of the local tragedies. Tubbs regains consciousness, drawing the Russians dangerously close by using Ace’s real name.
All the while the affection he’s trying to deny for Annie grows. It’s a very mutual attraction. Ace is more determined than ever to set things right. With a bit of forgery, a touch of larceny, and a little help from his new friends he might just pull off his audacious ruse.
FERRIS’ BLUFF is a 96K word thriller; the story of a troubled lonely man seeking a connection to his past, a glimpse of the life he’s been forced to abandon…and what he has to do now that he has finally found a home.
Thank you for taking a look. I look forward to hearing from you.
After a bit of cogitating I got what the frogmeister was trying to say. NOW it might be ready for some looks.
Fred
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Ace Evans, ex-Navy SEAL and undercover operative, is on the run--has been for the three years since his family was brutally murdered. He’s running from the Witness Protection Program that betrayed him, from Russian arms dealers still out for revenge, and nightmares of that tragic fiery night.
He risks a brief visit with an old friend, Granville Tubbs. Ace feels like he needs to stick around the quaint little town of Ferris’ Bluff, Arkansas after he learns that Tubbs, comatose, is being kept in near isolation by the lawyer, Tremont.
While trying to unravel the lawyer’s motives Ace is determined to see that Tubbs gets proper treatment. He’s drawn into the lives of Annie Travers, her two children, and a collection of townsfolk that are pleasant and friendly, and, well…a bit nosy. There’s ‘gossip in the water’ in Ferris’ Bluff, you know. He can’t avoid making friends, try as he might to leave a faint footprint and stay true to his alias.
He can’t seem to avoid making enemies either. Ace is soon at odds with the lawyer, his slutty scheming wife, and a psychotic town tough named Pink.
As if things aren’t difficult enough, a resourceful young Deputy Marshal tracks him down. He urges Ace to return to the WPP, warning him that the Russians are nearby. Ace won’t go back. He likes it in Ferris’ Bluff. Friends new and old need him.
He discovers that the accident that killed Annie’s husband and left her daughter paralyzed was no accident. One of his new friends is murdered. Tremont has apparently stolen some mineral rights from Tubbs, the underlying catalyst for all of the local tragedies. Tubbs regains consciousness, drawing the Russians dangerously close by using Ace’s real name.
All the while the affection he’s trying to deny for Annie grows. It’s a very mutual attraction. Ace is more determined than ever to set things right. With a bit of forgery, a touch of larceny, and a little help from his new friends he might just pull off his audacious ruse.
FERRIS’ BLUFF is a 96K word thriller; the story of a troubled lonely man seeking a connection to his past, a glimpse of the life he’s been forced to abandon…and what he has to do now that he has finally found a home.
Thank you for taking a look. I look forward to hearing from you.
After a bit of cogitating I got what the frogmeister was trying to say. NOW it might be ready for some looks.
Fred
Query- Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice
Hi everyone,
I just found out about this site! I received a response to this query from an agent who found it "intriguing" but wasn't "sufficiently enthusiastic" to ask for more. Not sure if that means the query is good but the subject not her cup of tea (which I'm okay with, not everyone is into self-help books) or if I need more work on the query. Feedback is welcome!
Dear [Agent],
I’ve just written a workbook that can help everyone lead more meaningful and fulfilling lives. After 22 years of in-depth study, practice, and teaching, I’ve put all that I’ve learned into an easy-to-use workbook, Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice. I would like you to consider helping me bring this work to the public.
We’ve all experienced those moments of not listening to our “inner voice”. When was the last time you ignored yours? Last week, perhaps? Driving home from work, stuck in traffic, something inside you said "turn off here" at a side road but you didn't so your 20 minute commute took 2 hours because of road construction? Later that evening, you heard on the local news that an alternate route would have gotten you home in 30 minutes; it was the road you would have turned onto had you listened to that inner "something".
We human beings are fascinating, aren't we? All we need to know is within us, if we would only listen. It's not that we don't want to, we just don't know how, or we don't trust what we hear. We've never been taught the means to connect with that vast library of knowledge within. Tarot cards are an incredible tool to help you learn to do just that.
You may not be entirely sure what tarot cards are. Perhaps you've seen television programs where a reader lays out the Death card and oh no! someone on the show dies, and now you're a bit leery of the cards. Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice will take the mystery out of tarot. This workbook is for everyone wanting to learn how to listen to, and trust, their inner voice; for everyone who wants to find a way to touch the source of their own inner power; for everyone who wants to learn how to navigate through the sometimes challenging transitions of life, and to do it all in a fun and enlightening way. Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice can be used alone, with friends, or as a classroom workbook by other teachers of tarot.
I purchased my first tarot deck in 1987. I had no teacher; there were few books at that time. I learned the hard way, by myself. Now, after twenty-two years, thousands of clients, hundreds of students, numerous published tarot articles, in the process of co-creating a "modernly traditional" tarot deck as well as writing the accompanying deck-specific book, and still as passionate about tarot as the day I purchased my first deck of cards, I am proud to offer Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice as a tool for every person who wants to learn to connect with, and trust, that place of knowing within.
Two people have seen Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice so far. One, an author and public speaker, said that reading the workbook made him want to immediately go out and buy a deck of tarot cards. The other, an author/shaman/music composer, told me, "I read through your tarot workbook chapters. I think they are fantastic and I don't know of another book like it!"
I invite you to visit my website to learn more about me and my work. I would be happy to send you a full proposal at your request.
I appreciate your time and consideration, and look forward to hearing from you soon.
I just found out about this site! I received a response to this query from an agent who found it "intriguing" but wasn't "sufficiently enthusiastic" to ask for more. Not sure if that means the query is good but the subject not her cup of tea (which I'm okay with, not everyone is into self-help books) or if I need more work on the query. Feedback is welcome!
Dear [Agent],
I’ve just written a workbook that can help everyone lead more meaningful and fulfilling lives. After 22 years of in-depth study, practice, and teaching, I’ve put all that I’ve learned into an easy-to-use workbook, Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice. I would like you to consider helping me bring this work to the public.
We’ve all experienced those moments of not listening to our “inner voice”. When was the last time you ignored yours? Last week, perhaps? Driving home from work, stuck in traffic, something inside you said "turn off here" at a side road but you didn't so your 20 minute commute took 2 hours because of road construction? Later that evening, you heard on the local news that an alternate route would have gotten you home in 30 minutes; it was the road you would have turned onto had you listened to that inner "something".
We human beings are fascinating, aren't we? All we need to know is within us, if we would only listen. It's not that we don't want to, we just don't know how, or we don't trust what we hear. We've never been taught the means to connect with that vast library of knowledge within. Tarot cards are an incredible tool to help you learn to do just that.
You may not be entirely sure what tarot cards are. Perhaps you've seen television programs where a reader lays out the Death card and oh no! someone on the show dies, and now you're a bit leery of the cards. Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice will take the mystery out of tarot. This workbook is for everyone wanting to learn how to listen to, and trust, their inner voice; for everyone who wants to find a way to touch the source of their own inner power; for everyone who wants to learn how to navigate through the sometimes challenging transitions of life, and to do it all in a fun and enlightening way. Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice can be used alone, with friends, or as a classroom workbook by other teachers of tarot.
I purchased my first tarot deck in 1987. I had no teacher; there were few books at that time. I learned the hard way, by myself. Now, after twenty-two years, thousands of clients, hundreds of students, numerous published tarot articles, in the process of co-creating a "modernly traditional" tarot deck as well as writing the accompanying deck-specific book, and still as passionate about tarot as the day I purchased my first deck of cards, I am proud to offer Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice as a tool for every person who wants to learn to connect with, and trust, that place of knowing within.
Two people have seen Intuitive Tarot: Finding Your Inner Voice so far. One, an author and public speaker, said that reading the workbook made him want to immediately go out and buy a deck of tarot cards. The other, an author/shaman/music composer, told me, "I read through your tarot workbook chapters. I think they are fantastic and I don't know of another book like it!"
I invite you to visit my website to learn more about me and my work. I would be happy to send you a full proposal at your request.
I appreciate your time and consideration, and look forward to hearing from you soon.
Aug 2, 2009
QUERY- FERRIS' BLUFF (Revision #1)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read revision #2.
My thanks to all who weighed in on the original. Here's revision number 1 (actually query #16) for Ferris' Bluff.
Dear Agent,
Ace Evans, ex-Navy SEAL and undercover operative, is on the run--has been for the three years since his family was brutally murdered and he was left for dead. He’s running from the Witness Protection Program that betrayed him, from Russian arms dealers still out for revenge, and from his own nightmares of that fiery night and his scarred self-image.
FERRIS’ BLUFF, a 96K word thriller, is the story of a lonely man seeking a connection to his past, a glimpse of the life he’s forced to hide from, and what he has to do to once he realizes that he has finally found sanctuary and healing love.
Risking a brief visit with his old friend, Granville Tubbs, Ace reluctantly stays in the quaint town of Ferris’ Bluff, Arkansas after he learns that Tubbs is in a coma and is being kept in near isolation by the lawyer, Tremont.
While trying to unravel the lawyer’s motives and maneuvering to see that Tubbs gets proper treatment Ace is drawn into the lives of Annie Travers, her two children, and a collection of townsfolk that are friendly and trusting, and, well…a bit nosy. There’s ‘gossip in the water’ in Ferris’ Bluff. He can’t seem to avoid making friends, try as he might to stay aloof and true to his alias.
He can’t seem to avoid making enemies either. Ace is soon at odds with Tremont, his scheming wife, and a brutal town tough named Pink.
A young Deputy Marshal tracks him down. He urges Ace to return to the WPP and warns him that the Russians are probably watching Tubbs.
Ace won’t go back. He can’t.
Why? The accident that killed Annie’s husband and left her daughter paralyzed was no accident. One of his new friends is murdered. He discovers that Tremont has stolen some mineral rights from Tubbs, the underlying catalyst for all of the local tragedies. Tubbs regains consciousness, drawing the Russians dangerously close by using Ace’s real name.
All the while the affection he is trying to deny for Annie grows. It’s a very mutual attraction and Ace is more determined than ever to set things right. With a little luck, a little larceny, and some help from his new friends he might just pull off his audacious ruse.
Thank you for your interest in FERRIS’ BLUFF. I look forward to hearing from you.
Click here to read revision #2.
My thanks to all who weighed in on the original. Here's revision number 1 (actually query #16) for Ferris' Bluff.
Dear Agent,
Ace Evans, ex-Navy SEAL and undercover operative, is on the run--has been for the three years since his family was brutally murdered and he was left for dead. He’s running from the Witness Protection Program that betrayed him, from Russian arms dealers still out for revenge, and from his own nightmares of that fiery night and his scarred self-image.
FERRIS’ BLUFF, a 96K word thriller, is the story of a lonely man seeking a connection to his past, a glimpse of the life he’s forced to hide from, and what he has to do to once he realizes that he has finally found sanctuary and healing love.
Risking a brief visit with his old friend, Granville Tubbs, Ace reluctantly stays in the quaint town of Ferris’ Bluff, Arkansas after he learns that Tubbs is in a coma and is being kept in near isolation by the lawyer, Tremont.
While trying to unravel the lawyer’s motives and maneuvering to see that Tubbs gets proper treatment Ace is drawn into the lives of Annie Travers, her two children, and a collection of townsfolk that are friendly and trusting, and, well…a bit nosy. There’s ‘gossip in the water’ in Ferris’ Bluff. He can’t seem to avoid making friends, try as he might to stay aloof and true to his alias.
He can’t seem to avoid making enemies either. Ace is soon at odds with Tremont, his scheming wife, and a brutal town tough named Pink.
A young Deputy Marshal tracks him down. He urges Ace to return to the WPP and warns him that the Russians are probably watching Tubbs.
Ace won’t go back. He can’t.
Why? The accident that killed Annie’s husband and left her daughter paralyzed was no accident. One of his new friends is murdered. He discovers that Tremont has stolen some mineral rights from Tubbs, the underlying catalyst for all of the local tragedies. Tubbs regains consciousness, drawing the Russians dangerously close by using Ace’s real name.
All the while the affection he is trying to deny for Annie grows. It’s a very mutual attraction and Ace is more determined than ever to set things right. With a little luck, a little larceny, and some help from his new friends he might just pull off his audacious ruse.
Thank you for your interest in FERRIS’ BLUFF. I look forward to hearing from you.
QUERY - SAVE US - Christian Fiction
A revision of this query had been posted. Click here to read it.
Hi everyone, I just discovered this site and it looks like an amazing resource! I'd appreciate any help you could give with my query. Thanks!
Vipul
Dear Agent:
Every year, hundreds of millions of people celebrate Christ's death and resurrection during Easter weekend. But what was he doing during those three days? And if his death and resurrection were so important, why didn't Satan stop it? My completed 75,000-word novel, SAVE US, seeks to give one possible answer to these questions.
Phoebus is a young, orphaned fisherman living in ancient Phoenicia during the time of Christ.
When he and his love Ariadna drown in a storm, they find themselves on the outskirts of Hell. Captured, separated, and enslaved, they sink into despair, until Phoebus inadvertently sparks a rebellion against his demon captors. He soon meets Durus, a mercenary angel sent to aid him, who informs Phoebus that this conflict is meant by God to distract the devil from events on Earth. As Jesus' path takes him to the cross, Phoebus undertakes a task that transforms him as much as it changes the fate of the slaves in Hell.
As a young ophthalmologist immersed in the world of medicine for the past decade, writing this first novel has helped me to come up for air, and the book has grown with me. Though it takes place long ago, many of the trials faced by these characters are reflections of my own struggle for identity as a Christian Indian-American. This inspirational tale, dealing with love, loss, pain, and redemption, would appeal to readers in both the Christian and mainstream markets.
I have enclosed a SASE per your guidelines. Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Hi everyone, I just discovered this site and it looks like an amazing resource! I'd appreciate any help you could give with my query. Thanks!
Vipul
Dear Agent:
Every year, hundreds of millions of people celebrate Christ's death and resurrection during Easter weekend. But what was he doing during those three days? And if his death and resurrection were so important, why didn't Satan stop it? My completed 75,000-word novel, SAVE US, seeks to give one possible answer to these questions.
Phoebus is a young, orphaned fisherman living in ancient Phoenicia during the time of Christ.
When he and his love Ariadna drown in a storm, they find themselves on the outskirts of Hell. Captured, separated, and enslaved, they sink into despair, until Phoebus inadvertently sparks a rebellion against his demon captors. He soon meets Durus, a mercenary angel sent to aid him, who informs Phoebus that this conflict is meant by God to distract the devil from events on Earth. As Jesus' path takes him to the cross, Phoebus undertakes a task that transforms him as much as it changes the fate of the slaves in Hell.
As a young ophthalmologist immersed in the world of medicine for the past decade, writing this first novel has helped me to come up for air, and the book has grown with me. Though it takes place long ago, many of the trials faced by these characters are reflections of my own struggle for identity as a Christian Indian-American. This inspirational tale, dealing with love, loss, pain, and redemption, would appeal to readers in both the Christian and mainstream markets.
I have enclosed a SASE per your guidelines. Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
QUERY - Vampire Vacation - Revised
Click here to read the original query.
This one is a hit! I got another response in less than 12 hours - Yay!
Thanks guys!
Dear XXX,
I'm writing you to seek representation for my 90,000 word erotic urban fantasy Vampire Vacation which four editors requested in full at the recent Romance Writer’s of America National convention.
What do you get when you combine a 580-year-old vampire, her human husband, and a resort for the undead? A sexually charged, sardonic relationship between a married couple and a never ending cast of unique characters.
Meet Vivian, the supernatural equivalent of Mr. Roarke on Fantasy Island, who projects illusions to create the perfect vacation spot for vampires in Alaska. Upon a check of the guest rooms, Vivian stumbles across a murdered body, one that is neither an employee nor a guest. She and her husband, Rafe, hide the corpse, convinced they can track down the killer without alerting their customers.
When orchestrating the sexual escapades of some guests and questioning others proves too much for her, Vivian listens to Rafe’s advice. For the first time in hundreds of years, she agrees to involve and trust an outsider for assistance. It’s a difficult step for Vivian, who knows in the end she may wind up having to kill to keep her secrets safe.
I’m contacting you because your agency represents XXXX, whose novel I enjoyed. I've researched you online and have stopped by your XXXX site, your blog, read your interview on XXXXXX and would be honored to have you represent me.
This spring, I won a flash fiction writing contest for a horror entry, received third place in an erotica contest, and recently placed second for my rough draft of chapter one of Vampire Vacation in the RWA Dixie First sponsored contest. I’m a member of RWA, Sisters In Crime and several subchapters of these associations. My work already has a fan base of 1,000 on Facebook. Please stop by and see what some of the reviewers from my private reading group have to say about my novel: http://www.facebook.com/c.j.ellissonfanpage
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my query,
C.J. Ellisson
XXX-XXX-XXXX
cj_ellisson@yahoo.com
This one is a hit! I got another response in less than 12 hours - Yay!
Thanks guys!
Dear XXX,
I'm writing you to seek representation for my 90,000 word erotic urban fantasy Vampire Vacation which four editors requested in full at the recent Romance Writer’s of America National convention.
What do you get when you combine a 580-year-old vampire, her human husband, and a resort for the undead? A sexually charged, sardonic relationship between a married couple and a never ending cast of unique characters.
Meet Vivian, the supernatural equivalent of Mr. Roarke on Fantasy Island, who projects illusions to create the perfect vacation spot for vampires in Alaska. Upon a check of the guest rooms, Vivian stumbles across a murdered body, one that is neither an employee nor a guest. She and her husband, Rafe, hide the corpse, convinced they can track down the killer without alerting their customers.
When orchestrating the sexual escapades of some guests and questioning others proves too much for her, Vivian listens to Rafe’s advice. For the first time in hundreds of years, she agrees to involve and trust an outsider for assistance. It’s a difficult step for Vivian, who knows in the end she may wind up having to kill to keep her secrets safe.
I’m contacting you because your agency represents XXXX, whose novel I enjoyed. I've researched you online and have stopped by your XXXX site, your blog, read your interview on XXXXXX and would be honored to have you represent me.
This spring, I won a flash fiction writing contest for a horror entry, received third place in an erotica contest, and recently placed second for my rough draft of chapter one of Vampire Vacation in the RWA Dixie First sponsored contest. I’m a member of RWA, Sisters In Crime and several subchapters of these associations. My work already has a fan base of 1,000 on Facebook. Please stop by and see what some of the reviewers from my private reading group have to say about my novel: http://www.facebook.com/c.j.ellissonfanpage
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my query,
C.J. Ellisson
XXX-XXX-XXXX
cj_ellisson@yahoo.com
Jul 31, 2009
QUERY - Vampire Vacation - URBAN FANTASY
Dear Agent,
What do you get when you combine a marriage between a 580-year-old female vampire and a human husband with a resort for the undead? A sexually charged, sardonic relationship between a vibrant woman and a confident man with a never ending cast of unique characters.
Meet Vivian, the supernatural equivalent of Mr. Roarke on Fantasy Island, who channels her mental powers of projecting illusions into creating the perfect vacation spot for vampires - in Alaska! Upon a routine check of the guest rooms, Vivian stumbles across a murdered body, one that is neither an employee nor a guest. She and her husband, Rafe, hide the corpse, convinced they can track down the killer without alerting their customers.
Orchestrating the sexual escapades of some guests, while unsuccessfully questioning others, proves too much for her. Vivian listens to Rafe’s suggestion, and for the first time in hundreds of years, she agrees to involve and trust an outsider for help. Knowing she may wind up having to kill to keep her secrets safe.
My name is C.J. Ellisson and I’m a passionate married woman who thinks it’s time an urban fantasy series focused on hot monogamy. I’ve completed a 90,000 word novel titled Vampire Vacation and I would like you to consider being my agent for it. At Nationals I had four editors request the full manuscript, and thought it would behoove me to have an agent represent me to speed the process along. I’m contacting you because your agency represents name here, whose work I have enjoyed for many years.
I have won a flash fiction writing contest for a horror entry, received third place in an erotica contest, and recently placed second for my rough draft of chapter one of Vampire Vacation in a Romance Writers of America sponsored contest. Not only have I joined RWA, but also Sisters In Crime and several sub-chapters of each. My novel already has a fan base of 1,000 on Facebook. Please, stop by and see what some of the reviewers from my private reading group have to say about my work:
http://www.facebook.com/c.j.ellissonfanpage
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my query, I appreciate it,
C.J. Ellisson
XXX-XXX-XXX
cj_ellisson@yahoo.com
What do you get when you combine a marriage between a 580-year-old female vampire and a human husband with a resort for the undead? A sexually charged, sardonic relationship between a vibrant woman and a confident man with a never ending cast of unique characters.
Meet Vivian, the supernatural equivalent of Mr. Roarke on Fantasy Island, who channels her mental powers of projecting illusions into creating the perfect vacation spot for vampires - in Alaska! Upon a routine check of the guest rooms, Vivian stumbles across a murdered body, one that is neither an employee nor a guest. She and her husband, Rafe, hide the corpse, convinced they can track down the killer without alerting their customers.
Orchestrating the sexual escapades of some guests, while unsuccessfully questioning others, proves too much for her. Vivian listens to Rafe’s suggestion, and for the first time in hundreds of years, she agrees to involve and trust an outsider for help. Knowing she may wind up having to kill to keep her secrets safe.
My name is C.J. Ellisson and I’m a passionate married woman who thinks it’s time an urban fantasy series focused on hot monogamy. I’ve completed a 90,000 word novel titled Vampire Vacation and I would like you to consider being my agent for it. At Nationals I had four editors request the full manuscript, and thought it would behoove me to have an agent represent me to speed the process along. I’m contacting you because your agency represents name here, whose work I have enjoyed for many years.
I have won a flash fiction writing contest for a horror entry, received third place in an erotica contest, and recently placed second for my rough draft of chapter one of Vampire Vacation in a Romance Writers of America sponsored contest. Not only have I joined RWA, but also Sisters In Crime and several sub-chapters of each. My novel already has a fan base of 1,000 on Facebook. Please, stop by and see what some of the reviewers from my private reading group have to say about my work:
http://www.facebook.com/c.j.ellissonfanpage
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my query, I appreciate it,
C.J. Ellisson
XXX-XXX-XXX
cj_ellisson@yahoo.com
Jul 30, 2009
Sample Page- BROKEN - PAGE 1
Click here to read the query.
A revision of the query has been posted, click here to read it.
Hello all! Hoping for some feedback on page 1 of the novel BROKEN (thriller) - posted 2 queries earlier. Thank you!
What sound does a heart make when it breaks?
Madeline Gunn knew.
She heard the air hiss as she dropped to her knees in the snow. She pressed her hands hard against her mouth, trying to stifle the scream that was swelling inside of her from bursting past her lips. Above all, Madeline Gunn was already beginning to discover that pain had nimble fingers, capable of peeling away layer after layer of certainty until a heart was raw with ache and nothingness.
“Connie!” Madeline yelled, touching her sister’s body, a body that was wet with blood and warm with the memory of a life that no longer existed.
“Connie!” She repeated. Louder this time, commanding her sister to rise from the dead. Refusing to accept the truth in Connie’s stillness.
Madeline Gunn held her little sister, shielding Connie’s bare skin from the cold. Her fingers trembled beneath the weight, and the scream she’d tried so hard to restrain ripped through her throat, infecting the night air with its agony. She rocked the broken body until the sound of her wailing gave in to the din of the city, to the rumble of plow trucks and the thin whine of police sirens.
Madeline closed her eyes. She ignored the stench of car exhaust and warm blood waiting to rot. She pretended that they were girls again, needing to believe that she could forget this moment, that the sight of her sister’s butchered remains would not be the backdrop against which she would live out the rest of her life. But even then, Madeline Gunn knew this, too, was a lie.
She knew that once a heart begins to break, it never stops.
And that time cannot dull the ache, or take away the memory and the blame.
A revision of the query has been posted, click here to read it.
Hello all! Hoping for some feedback on page 1 of the novel BROKEN (thriller) - posted 2 queries earlier. Thank you!
What sound does a heart make when it breaks?
Madeline Gunn knew.
She heard the air hiss as she dropped to her knees in the snow. She pressed her hands hard against her mouth, trying to stifle the scream that was swelling inside of her from bursting past her lips. Above all, Madeline Gunn was already beginning to discover that pain had nimble fingers, capable of peeling away layer after layer of certainty until a heart was raw with ache and nothingness.
“Connie!” Madeline yelled, touching her sister’s body, a body that was wet with blood and warm with the memory of a life that no longer existed.
“Connie!” She repeated. Louder this time, commanding her sister to rise from the dead. Refusing to accept the truth in Connie’s stillness.
Madeline Gunn held her little sister, shielding Connie’s bare skin from the cold. Her fingers trembled beneath the weight, and the scream she’d tried so hard to restrain ripped through her throat, infecting the night air with its agony. She rocked the broken body until the sound of her wailing gave in to the din of the city, to the rumble of plow trucks and the thin whine of police sirens.
Madeline closed her eyes. She ignored the stench of car exhaust and warm blood waiting to rot. She pretended that they were girls again, needing to believe that she could forget this moment, that the sight of her sister’s butchered remains would not be the backdrop against which she would live out the rest of her life. But even then, Madeline Gunn knew this, too, was a lie.
She knew that once a heart begins to break, it never stops.
And that time cannot dull the ache, or take away the memory and the blame.
Query: FERRIS' BLUFF a thriller
Click here to read revision #2.
Hi everyone,
I've been lurking on the site for some time and unashamedly using the samples and crits to work on my own query.
Dear Ms. Agent,
Ace Evans is on the run. He’s hiding from the Witness Protection Program, vengeful international criminals, and his own horrific nightmares. After two wary and lonesome years on the road he risks a visit with his old friend, Granville Tubbs, in sleepy Ferris’ Bluff, Arkansas.
Tubbs is in a coma…so much for a quick visit; and it turns out he’s being kept a virtual prisoner by the lawyer, Tremont. Ace decides to stick around for a few days to see what he can do to help his old friend and maybe figure out what the heck is going on.
Ace can’t help but make friends in Ferris’ Bluff. The quirky townsfolk are honest and open, if a bit gossipy. Okay, real gossipy--and the word is there are hundreds of acres of mineral rights deeds in Tubbs’ estate.
Ace can’t help but make some enemies too. He’s doggedly trying to stay true to his alias and that’s damn hard to do since he’s taking on the crooked lawyer and his scheming wife, their hired gun, and the town tough guy, a psycho named Pink.
He’s also attracted to the pretty widow, Annie. Ace tries to deny it, but her humor and determination give him hope. He comes to realize he’s found a place to stay, that he might find love again, and it’s worth fighting for. Tremont’s pissed off and on the defensive. The hired guns are hiding in the hills plotting mischief. Nothing a former Navy SEAL/ undercover operative can’t handle; but can he do it without revealing his true identity?
Then an earnest young US Marshal shows up. He’s got some disturbing news. The Russians are already sniffing around. Okay, what else could go wrong?
Well, Pink goes on a rampage, murdering one of Ace’s new friends, revenge for an ill advised prank involving a garden hose and Tremont’s drunken wife. Ace discovers that Annie’s husband’s fatal accident that left her daughter paralyzed was no accident. Tremont appears to have stolen one of Tubbs mineral deeds and they’ve discovered gas on the property. Tubbs comes out of his coma, drawing the Russians closer by using Ace’s real name. That’s what could go wrong. The cops aren’t making much progress. How can he make things right?
Ace comes up with a plan to turn the tables on Tremont and the Russians while keeping his alias intact. With a little forgery, a little larceny, and a little help from his new friends… it almost works. Good thing the junior G-man sticks around!
FERRIS’ BLUFF is a 96K word thriller that would also be at home on the romantic suspense shelves. The story is written as a stand alone novel, but there are a bunch of bad guys out there still gunning for Ace.
Thank you for taking a look. My contact information is listed below. I sincerely hope to hear from you.
I'll be happy to post some pages if anyone wants to see them, and thanks in advance for your comments!
Fred
Hi everyone,
I've been lurking on the site for some time and unashamedly using the samples and crits to work on my own query.
Dear Ms. Agent,
Ace Evans is on the run. He’s hiding from the Witness Protection Program, vengeful international criminals, and his own horrific nightmares. After two wary and lonesome years on the road he risks a visit with his old friend, Granville Tubbs, in sleepy Ferris’ Bluff, Arkansas.
Tubbs is in a coma…so much for a quick visit; and it turns out he’s being kept a virtual prisoner by the lawyer, Tremont. Ace decides to stick around for a few days to see what he can do to help his old friend and maybe figure out what the heck is going on.
Ace can’t help but make friends in Ferris’ Bluff. The quirky townsfolk are honest and open, if a bit gossipy. Okay, real gossipy--and the word is there are hundreds of acres of mineral rights deeds in Tubbs’ estate.
Ace can’t help but make some enemies too. He’s doggedly trying to stay true to his alias and that’s damn hard to do since he’s taking on the crooked lawyer and his scheming wife, their hired gun, and the town tough guy, a psycho named Pink.
He’s also attracted to the pretty widow, Annie. Ace tries to deny it, but her humor and determination give him hope. He comes to realize he’s found a place to stay, that he might find love again, and it’s worth fighting for. Tremont’s pissed off and on the defensive. The hired guns are hiding in the hills plotting mischief. Nothing a former Navy SEAL/ undercover operative can’t handle; but can he do it without revealing his true identity?
Then an earnest young US Marshal shows up. He’s got some disturbing news. The Russians are already sniffing around. Okay, what else could go wrong?
Well, Pink goes on a rampage, murdering one of Ace’s new friends, revenge for an ill advised prank involving a garden hose and Tremont’s drunken wife. Ace discovers that Annie’s husband’s fatal accident that left her daughter paralyzed was no accident. Tremont appears to have stolen one of Tubbs mineral deeds and they’ve discovered gas on the property. Tubbs comes out of his coma, drawing the Russians closer by using Ace’s real name. That’s what could go wrong. The cops aren’t making much progress. How can he make things right?
Ace comes up with a plan to turn the tables on Tremont and the Russians while keeping his alias intact. With a little forgery, a little larceny, and a little help from his new friends… it almost works. Good thing the junior G-man sticks around!
FERRIS’ BLUFF is a 96K word thriller that would also be at home on the romantic suspense shelves. The story is written as a stand alone novel, but there are a bunch of bad guys out there still gunning for Ace.
Thank you for taking a look. My contact information is listed below. I sincerely hope to hear from you.
I'll be happy to post some pages if anyone wants to see them, and thanks in advance for your comments!
Fred
Jul 29, 2009
QUERY-Killing Time on the Highway (rev. 2)
Click here to read the original query.
Minnesota State Patrol investigator Cade Dawkins takes on the case of a lifetime when a bloody highway shootout leaves behind eight dead bodies—and $300 million in cash. His last assignment was a disaster that left his partners dead and his career on life support. Cade jumps at the opportunity for redemption, recognizing this will either be his biggest case—or his final case.
As Cade gets close to uncovering the money’s owner, there’s a problem: the owner has his own plan to get it back. Four of the cruelest men to ever crawl out into daylight use a stolen Hummer and automatic weapons to launch a catastrophic attack on the Twin Cities’ busiest highway to slow down Cade’s investigation—and help audacious thief Martin Clements break into Patrol headquarters to steal the money back. This high adrenaline story will make you feel like you were behind the wheel at 120 miles per hour.
Killing Time on the Highway, my 68,000 word thriller, will appeal to fans of the Prey series by John Sandford. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and page turning action are important ingredients to a successful thriller.
Having written professionally for the last ten years, focusing on advertising and marketing, I quickly learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution. I am currently 40,000 words into my second novel—an unrelated thriller.
Best regards,
Allan Evans
Minnesota State Patrol investigator Cade Dawkins takes on the case of a lifetime when a bloody highway shootout leaves behind eight dead bodies—and $300 million in cash. His last assignment was a disaster that left his partners dead and his career on life support. Cade jumps at the opportunity for redemption, recognizing this will either be his biggest case—or his final case.
As Cade gets close to uncovering the money’s owner, there’s a problem: the owner has his own plan to get it back. Four of the cruelest men to ever crawl out into daylight use a stolen Hummer and automatic weapons to launch a catastrophic attack on the Twin Cities’ busiest highway to slow down Cade’s investigation—and help audacious thief Martin Clements break into Patrol headquarters to steal the money back. This high adrenaline story will make you feel like you were behind the wheel at 120 miles per hour.
Killing Time on the Highway, my 68,000 word thriller, will appeal to fans of the Prey series by John Sandford. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and page turning action are important ingredients to a successful thriller.
Having written professionally for the last ten years, focusing on advertising and marketing, I quickly learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution. I am currently 40,000 words into my second novel—an unrelated thriller.
Best regards,
Allan Evans
Jul 27, 2009
QUERY- Killing Time on the Highway
A revision of this query has been posted. Click here to read it.
Large amounts of money bring large problems. State patrol investigator Cade Dawkins is assigned the case of a lifetime when a bloody highway shootout leaves behind eight dead bodies—and $300 million in cash. Recovering from a disastrous assignment that left his partners dead and his career on life support, Cade knows this will either be his biggest case—or his final case.
As Cade races to solve the case and find redemption, the money’s owner has his own plan to steal it back. Violent diversions are used—including an amazingly catastrophic attack on Minneapolis-St. Paul’s busiest highway—to slow down Cade’s investigation and help an audacious thief break into Patrol headquarters to get the money back.
Killing Time on the Highway, my 68,000 word thriller, is a tribute to the Prey series of John Sandford that has captivated me for the last 20 years. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and plenty of action are important ingredients to a successful thriller.
Having written professionally for the last ten years, focusing on advertising, marketing and public relations, I quickly learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution. Enjoying writing for the fun of it, I am currently 40,000 words into my second novel—an unrelated thriller.
Best regards,
Allan Evans
Large amounts of money bring large problems. State patrol investigator Cade Dawkins is assigned the case of a lifetime when a bloody highway shootout leaves behind eight dead bodies—and $300 million in cash. Recovering from a disastrous assignment that left his partners dead and his career on life support, Cade knows this will either be his biggest case—or his final case.
As Cade races to solve the case and find redemption, the money’s owner has his own plan to steal it back. Violent diversions are used—including an amazingly catastrophic attack on Minneapolis-St. Paul’s busiest highway—to slow down Cade’s investigation and help an audacious thief break into Patrol headquarters to get the money back.
Killing Time on the Highway, my 68,000 word thriller, is a tribute to the Prey series of John Sandford that has captivated me for the last 20 years. His novels have taught me that strong characters, tight plotting and plenty of action are important ingredients to a successful thriller.
Having written professionally for the last ten years, focusing on advertising, marketing and public relations, I quickly learned the value of powerful ideas and concise execution. Enjoying writing for the fun of it, I am currently 40,000 words into my second novel—an unrelated thriller.
Best regards,
Allan Evans
Query Revision 2 - Kingmaker
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the sample pages.
Dear [Agent],
Sixteen-year-old Shale Peterson doesn’t believe in magic, but she does believe that willpower can accomplish anything. All her life she’s succeeded at sports and academics through sheer stubbornness, and for the past three years she’s concentrated on one thought: wanting her mother’s malignant brain tumor to remain small and non-fatal. When she meets Grey, her soon-to-be stepfather, her carefully-cultivated control over her life begins to slip away.
Grey, the CEO of an international headhunting corporation called Kingmakers, challenges Shale, using her competitive nature to lure her to join Kingmakers. Unbeknownst to Shale, Grey’s company is the public face of a hidden world—a world of otherwise normal people who believe that willpower and magic are one and the same and who use it to achieve success in business, sports, and politics. Grey intends to make Shale his heir, but they have enemies, only some of whom are known to them: the growing number of dissenters who want to use magic for personal gain more than global advancement and Grey’s spoiled son Duncan.
Shale learns that Grey and her mother have disappeared while on their honeymoon, leaving Shale alone and vulnerable. Her anger and determination grow after she survives a hit-and-run attack followed by a number of other murder attempts. Shale has had enough. It’s time to rely on the one tool that has never failed her, her considerable willpower. With it, she’s going to lay a trap for her attackers, rescue her mother, and change the face of magic forever.
KINGMAKER is a young adult novel, complete at 83,000 words.
[Personalized.] I am a student in [redacted]University’s MFA in Creative Writing program.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I have included the first five pages below. I would welcome the opportunity to send sample chapters or the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the sample pages.
Dear [Agent],
Sixteen-year-old Shale Peterson doesn’t believe in magic, but she does believe that willpower can accomplish anything. All her life she’s succeeded at sports and academics through sheer stubbornness, and for the past three years she’s concentrated on one thought: wanting her mother’s malignant brain tumor to remain small and non-fatal. When she meets Grey, her soon-to-be stepfather, her carefully-cultivated control over her life begins to slip away.
Grey, the CEO of an international headhunting corporation called Kingmakers, challenges Shale, using her competitive nature to lure her to join Kingmakers. Unbeknownst to Shale, Grey’s company is the public face of a hidden world—a world of otherwise normal people who believe that willpower and magic are one and the same and who use it to achieve success in business, sports, and politics. Grey intends to make Shale his heir, but they have enemies, only some of whom are known to them: the growing number of dissenters who want to use magic for personal gain more than global advancement and Grey’s spoiled son Duncan.
Shale learns that Grey and her mother have disappeared while on their honeymoon, leaving Shale alone and vulnerable. Her anger and determination grow after she survives a hit-and-run attack followed by a number of other murder attempts. Shale has had enough. It’s time to rely on the one tool that has never failed her, her considerable willpower. With it, she’s going to lay a trap for her attackers, rescue her mother, and change the face of magic forever.
KINGMAKER is a young adult novel, complete at 83,000 words.
[Personalized.] I am a student in [redacted]University’s MFA in Creative Writing program.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I have included the first five pages below. I would welcome the opportunity to send sample chapters or the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
Jul 26, 2009
Calling All Synopses
The vote results are in. Actually, they've been in for several days now but I've been really busy, so I'm just now getting to them.
53% of the voters have a fever, and the only cure is more cowbell. I mean critiques. More critiques.
23% are voting-class lurkers, and they read everything on this site regardless. These are the people that also read every word on each cereal box. Every morning.
13% will decide when they see the title pop up in Google Reader. If is says "Query" in it, it's a sure thing, otherwise, (shakes Magic 8-Ball): Future Uncertain.
10% would sooner leave the blogosphere forever than read one synopsis, let alone a flood of them. Luckily they also can screen the titles in Google Reader and Mark As Read any posts categorized under the S-word.
So the writing on the wall is clear, which I absolutely expect from this crowd. Send your Synopses, I will post them, and they will be critiqued.
#
53% of the voters have a fever, and the only cure is more cowbell. I mean critiques. More critiques.
23% are voting-class lurkers, and they read everything on this site regardless. These are the people that also read every word on each cereal box. Every morning.
13% will decide when they see the title pop up in Google Reader. If is says "Query" in it, it's a sure thing, otherwise, (shakes Magic 8-Ball): Future Uncertain.
10% would sooner leave the blogosphere forever than read one synopsis, let alone a flood of them. Luckily they also can screen the titles in Google Reader and Mark As Read any posts categorized under the S-word.
So the writing on the wall is clear, which I absolutely expect from this crowd. Send your Synopses, I will post them, and they will be critiqued.
#
Query Revision 1 - Kingmaker (formerly A Profusion of Want)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the sample pages.
Note: This is a revision of my previous query for A Profusion of Want (which has since been retitled Kingmaker). That query had a very positive response from everyone here, but other readers pointed out some flaws and I reworked it. I'm not sure whether this is an improvement, so I'm hoping for feedback in that respect as well as general feedback.
Dear [Agent],
Sixteen-year-old Shale Peterson doesn’t believe in magic, but she does believe that willpower can accomplish anything. All her life she’s willed herself to win sports and academic tournaments, and for the past three years, she’s willed her mother’s malignant brain tumor to remain small and non-fatal. Then she meets Grey, the strong-willed man angling to become her stepfather, and her carefully-cultivated control over her life begins to slip away.
Grey, the CEO of an international corporation called Kingmakers, woos Shale’s mother with gifts and affection. At the same time, he challenges Shale, testing the strength of her will and using her competitive nature to lure her toward Kingmakers, which is really the public face of a hidden world—a world of people who believe that willpower and magic are one and the same—a world which, unbeknownst to Shale, Grey intends for her to one day rule. Five months after Grey enters the Petersons’ lives, he and Shale’s mother depart for their honeymoon, only to disappear—leaving an unsuspecting and worried Shale vulnerable to attack from the many people who don’t want her to become Grey’s successor.
After being run down in a parking lot, nearly killed by piano wire strung neck-high across a stairwell, attacked by hired thugs, and told that she must decide whether to accept the burden of becoming Kingmakers’ next leader, Shale’s had enough. Magic or not, the only thing she can rely on now is her considerable willpower. With it, she’s going to lay a trap for her attackers. With it, she’s going to rescue her mother, whose brain tumor is still a constant threat.
And if they've hurt her mother? Shale is going to burn their world down.
KINGMAKER is a young adult novel, complete at 83,000 words.
[Personalized.] I am a student in [redacted] University's MFA in Creative Writing program.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I have included the first five pages below. I would welcome the opportunity to send sample chapters or the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
Click here to read the sample pages.
Note: This is a revision of my previous query for A Profusion of Want (which has since been retitled Kingmaker). That query had a very positive response from everyone here, but other readers pointed out some flaws and I reworked it. I'm not sure whether this is an improvement, so I'm hoping for feedback in that respect as well as general feedback.
Dear [Agent],
Sixteen-year-old Shale Peterson doesn’t believe in magic, but she does believe that willpower can accomplish anything. All her life she’s willed herself to win sports and academic tournaments, and for the past three years, she’s willed her mother’s malignant brain tumor to remain small and non-fatal. Then she meets Grey, the strong-willed man angling to become her stepfather, and her carefully-cultivated control over her life begins to slip away.
Grey, the CEO of an international corporation called Kingmakers, woos Shale’s mother with gifts and affection. At the same time, he challenges Shale, testing the strength of her will and using her competitive nature to lure her toward Kingmakers, which is really the public face of a hidden world—a world of people who believe that willpower and magic are one and the same—a world which, unbeknownst to Shale, Grey intends for her to one day rule. Five months after Grey enters the Petersons’ lives, he and Shale’s mother depart for their honeymoon, only to disappear—leaving an unsuspecting and worried Shale vulnerable to attack from the many people who don’t want her to become Grey’s successor.
After being run down in a parking lot, nearly killed by piano wire strung neck-high across a stairwell, attacked by hired thugs, and told that she must decide whether to accept the burden of becoming Kingmakers’ next leader, Shale’s had enough. Magic or not, the only thing she can rely on now is her considerable willpower. With it, she’s going to lay a trap for her attackers. With it, she’s going to rescue her mother, whose brain tumor is still a constant threat.
And if they've hurt her mother? Shale is going to burn their world down.
KINGMAKER is a young adult novel, complete at 83,000 words.
[Personalized.] I am a student in [redacted] University's MFA in Creative Writing program.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I have included the first five pages below. I would welcome the opportunity to send sample chapters or the complete manuscript.
Sincerely,
Jul 24, 2009
Whadyacallit?
Some dude named "The Bart" once said that names are like roses, everyone has one and they all smell real sweet. Might have been that Simpson kid. No, wait. I think I got my wires crossed.
What I mean to say is: please submit your queries with a title. If you are considering querying, you should at least have a working title. If you don't even have an idea of what you want to call your book, there's a good chance your manuscript/story still needs attention, and time spent working on the query is time better spent perfecting your manuscript.
I've posted a couple of untitled queries, and if there are more it will get confusing for me to read back through them and determine what's a revision and what's a new query; I would imagine that most of the Slushpile followers would have the same issues and QUERY-UNTITLED may have a lower chance of garnering immediate feedback; some people may think, "Oh, I've already commented on that one twice. I'll wait for fresh meat."
NOTE TO VEGETARIANS/VEGANS: It is perfectly acceptable for you to wait for fresh tofu or another form of protein in lieu of meat. No animals were harmed in the writing of this post.
NOTE TO THOSE WHO ALREADY SUBMITTED UNTITLED QUERIES: I'm not mad at you, please do not feel obligated to post apologies. I just made this rule up. You had no way of knowing when you submitted and bear no fault.
What I mean to say is: please submit your queries with a title. If you are considering querying, you should at least have a working title. If you don't even have an idea of what you want to call your book, there's a good chance your manuscript/story still needs attention, and time spent working on the query is time better spent perfecting your manuscript.
I've posted a couple of untitled queries, and if there are more it will get confusing for me to read back through them and determine what's a revision and what's a new query; I would imagine that most of the Slushpile followers would have the same issues and QUERY-UNTITLED may have a lower chance of garnering immediate feedback; some people may think, "Oh, I've already commented on that one twice. I'll wait for fresh meat."
NOTE TO VEGETARIANS/VEGANS: It is perfectly acceptable for you to wait for fresh tofu or another form of protein in lieu of meat. No animals were harmed in the writing of this post.
NOTE TO THOSE WHO ALREADY SUBMITTED UNTITLED QUERIES: I'm not mad at you, please do not feel obligated to post apologies. I just made this rule up. You had no way of knowing when you submitted and bear no fault.
Jul 23, 2009
QUERY- WIND FURY (Formerly UNTITLED)
NOTE: We've recently had a query for an untitled work, this one is new, not a revision. It was submitted on the 21st. I've been out of town on business for the past few days and I didn't have the opportunity to get it posted right away.
- Rick
This is a longer draft of my query as posted on my blog, but I wanted more breathing room and to see what the general reaction would be. Thanks in advance to anyone who takes a look! Also, I'm only including the plot summary paragraphs as those are the hardest for me.
For eons, the North Wind has blown upon the Earth, returning home after each day to an empty, icy palace on a lone mountain in the arctic tundra. Her existence is only punctuated by occasional visits from other immortals, but her life is one led by duty, not by joy. That is, until one day, when a young mortal named Armin shows up on her doorstep asking for aid for his family. She helps him, not expecting to ever see him again, but the next year, at the same time, he returns—this time not for her help, but for her company.
Thus begins a long friendship that eventually blossoms into love. North tries not to think about his mortality, but the issue is forced on her one day when a game in her palace nearly turns deadly. She relaxes when it’s over, and Armin is still alive, but her relief doesn’t last long. Someone is out to get her, or Armin, and they will do whatever it takes to succeed.
This event sparks a journey of love, loss, pain and anger that North has never before felt as an immortal. She is ripped apart and pieced back together by her quest for answers, employing the special skills she possesses to get her means. In the end, Armin’s fate becomes far wider than just that of her lover, and his destiny intertwined with that of all the gods. North has to pick a side; will she choose her heart, or her responsibility?
[UNTITLED] is a 110,000 word fantasy novel exploring a world on the edge of two destinies, and the mortals and immortals who will determine its course, explore their own true abilities, discover their pasts, and uphold their honor.
- Rick
This is a longer draft of my query as posted on my blog, but I wanted more breathing room and to see what the general reaction would be. Thanks in advance to anyone who takes a look! Also, I'm only including the plot summary paragraphs as those are the hardest for me.
For eons, the North Wind has blown upon the Earth, returning home after each day to an empty, icy palace on a lone mountain in the arctic tundra. Her existence is only punctuated by occasional visits from other immortals, but her life is one led by duty, not by joy. That is, until one day, when a young mortal named Armin shows up on her doorstep asking for aid for his family. She helps him, not expecting to ever see him again, but the next year, at the same time, he returns—this time not for her help, but for her company.
Thus begins a long friendship that eventually blossoms into love. North tries not to think about his mortality, but the issue is forced on her one day when a game in her palace nearly turns deadly. She relaxes when it’s over, and Armin is still alive, but her relief doesn’t last long. Someone is out to get her, or Armin, and they will do whatever it takes to succeed.
This event sparks a journey of love, loss, pain and anger that North has never before felt as an immortal. She is ripped apart and pieced back together by her quest for answers, employing the special skills she possesses to get her means. In the end, Armin’s fate becomes far wider than just that of her lover, and his destiny intertwined with that of all the gods. North has to pick a side; will she choose her heart, or her responsibility?
[UNTITLED] is a 110,000 word fantasy novel exploring a world on the edge of two destinies, and the mortals and immortals who will determine its course, explore their own true abilities, discover their pasts, and uphold their honor.
Jul 22, 2009
QUERY: BROKEN VERSION 2
Click here to read the original query.
Thanks! Version 2 - BROKEN
Thanks! Version 2 - BROKEN
Dear Agent X,
Madeline "Madd" Gunn is a fallen cop with an appetite for Chicago's finest breaded steak sandwiches served up with a hearty helping of vengeance. Five years ago, somebody knifed her kid sister to death in an alley. And she wants blood.
After every lead on her sister's case dries up, Madd quits the force and teams up with a group of well-connected vigilantes who hunt down violent criminals and arrange their deaths. When "The Protectors" hand Madd the name of her sister's killer and an untraceable .45, she fires four bullets into the S.O.B.'s chest and watches him die.
There's only one problem. She killed the wrong man.
Once a phone call confirms her worst fears, Madd knows that someone has set her up. But who? Now her name is on the The Protectors' hit list and finding her kid sister's killer is only the beginning of her problems. She needs to live long enough to uncover the truth, and some very powerful people want her dead.
BROKEN is an 86,000 word thriller about the irreversible consequences of revenge--and indigestion. My short stories have appeared in [redacted] and [redacted]. In an effort to add authenticity to the novel, I decided to move to Chicago ten years ago, marry a native, and eat my way through every hot dog stand south of the Loop. So far so good.
Thank you for your time.
Jul 21, 2009
QUERY - A SCORPION’S NATURE
Dear Agent,
Rage and dread torment Kyle Matusik after his dad's suicide. YMCA Camp Powell could have been a refuge, but Kyle isolates himself by alienating his overeager sailing partner and ignoring the affections of the camp newspaper's vulnerable poet. His Junior Counselor's treachery and confrontations with Brayden, a tyrant camper, ravage his insecurities. Kyle and Brayden's attraction to an alluring girl escalates their rivalry. The sunny idiots on staff can Kum Ba Yah all they want. Kyle will lash out until he gets even or is booted from camp—either outcome ends his chance to find belonging.
A SCORPION'S NATURE follows an anguished thirteen year old who copes with death by walling himself off from the living. Kyle's journey unfolds in a rollicking summer camp with quirky songs and food so atrocious even the director's mutt refuses to eat the Cheesy Fish Tarts. My 55,000 word middle grade novel coalesced out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director. Though not artsy, I am quite crafty.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
Rage and dread torment Kyle Matusik after his dad's suicide. YMCA Camp Powell could have been a refuge, but Kyle isolates himself by alienating his overeager sailing partner and ignoring the affections of the camp newspaper's vulnerable poet. His Junior Counselor's treachery and confrontations with Brayden, a tyrant camper, ravage his insecurities. Kyle and Brayden's attraction to an alluring girl escalates their rivalry. The sunny idiots on staff can Kum Ba Yah all they want. Kyle will lash out until he gets even or is booted from camp—either outcome ends his chance to find belonging.
A SCORPION'S NATURE follows an anguished thirteen year old who copes with death by walling himself off from the living. Kyle's journey unfolds in a rollicking summer camp with quirky songs and food so atrocious even the director's mutt refuses to eat the Cheesy Fish Tarts. My 55,000 word middle grade novel coalesced out of twenty years as a YMCA camper, counselor, and director. Though not artsy, I am quite crafty.
The complete manuscript is available upon your request. Thank you for considering my work.
Sincerely,
Jul 20, 2009
NEW SUBMISSION OPTION!
Hello Slushpile followers, commenters, lurkers, and anyone else not covered by the aforementioned terms!
There is a new way to post queries and sample pages for submission.
You can email them to this address:
adaley4.postmyquery@blogger.com
The subject line of the email should be the title for the post (e.g. QUERY- AWESOME BOOK TITLE)
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Jul 19, 2009
SAMPLE PAGES- UNTITLED (version 2)
Click here to read the original pages.
Click here to read the most recent query.
Chapter 1 – “Ten Years”
“I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera. It's terrible.”
“Mrs. Newman?” A tall boy in the front row interrupts my reading aloud.
“Yes Jason?”
“Why should it matter if Holden is a great liar, he’s not writing for anyone else? I don’t understand why we can’t trust his narration? And please don’t say: What do you think?” I laugh aloud at how well he knows my style.
“Ok, let me ask you this Jason, Do you think it’s possible for someone to lie to themselves?” I say trying to work around his request.
“I guess I see what you mean – like denial?” He says
“Exactly, people lie to themselves all the time. Mothers in denial about their kid being the school bully. My kids not fat he’s just big boned!” The class is laughing and I have all their attention now.
“The only fact you really need to know when deciding what to take as true in the book is that
Holden’s perspective changes, the way he looks at the world changes from the beginning of the book to the end.”
“So I’m guessing that will be a test question?” Another boy says
“Absolutely, the test questions aren’t a secret. My intention is not to trick you.”
“That sounds like a trick to me!” A girl named Emma says
“If you’ve read the story, I mean really read it, you’ll do fine. I’m happy to give you my opinions on the interpretation, but if you decide that Holden really works for the CIA and you can give me examples and details to support that you won’t fail.”
“You know that could be true.” Jason says causing the entire classroom to erupt in laughter.
“Remember, I didn’t write the book – It’s not my place to tell you you’re wrong. Unless I can tell you didn’t read, of course.”
“In other words, there’s no easy way out?” Jason speaks up again.
“There never is.” I answer him with a smile.
4:00pm – Back in my Ford Escort, I can finally allow my mind to drift back to the girl on the beach. I try to recall some of the visions from earlier today. I remember the handsome boy’s tears and – why was he so upset? There was desperation in their eyes, something horrible had just happened – something tragic. I needed to replay the visions over and over until I could get to my computer. I know the wording won’t be perfect but I just had to get the story down. Somehow I knew if I could just get it out of my head the pieces would fall into place.
I unlocked the door, threw my things in the closet and sat down at the computer. Alone at last. For thirty minutes I type without a single hesitation. I’m jolted out of my fantasy world as the door bell rings. I hit the save button with a groan and head for the front door, it’s always something.
When I open the door a young man with dark curly hair and glasses is standing in front of me looking unbelievably anxious. His eyes widen when he sees me
“Holly! I can’t believe it’s you! You’re alright?” I recognize his face at last.
“Adam Silverman? What are you doing here?” He seems to be composing himself. Somehow it doesn’t seem like he had expected me to open the door.
“I was in town and I heard you lived here . . . . . with someone? I just thought I would stop by.” He could tell I wasn’t buying the “I-was-just-in-town” story. We hadn’t seen each other in ten years; maybe he wasn’t quite stable – mentally I mean.
“Would you like to come in, Adam?” I say slowly in case he might have trouble understanding me. He looks exactly the same; I can’t believe after ten years he hasn’t gained a pound. It looked like he even had the same glasses.
“Actually I just needed to give you something.” He follows me into the house and I point to the couch for him to have a seat.
“Really, what?” I say walking to the kitchen and filling a glass of water for him. He takes a large gulp right away then chokes and points at my left hand.
“The ring. . . on your hand?” He says stumbling with his words
“My wedding ring?” I say, he’s definitely messed up – drugs maybe? I hadn’t heard that but who knows. He swallows another gulp before speaking again.
“You’re married to. . . .?”
“David.” I say slowly again.
“Wow, David . . . huh that’s interesting.” I sat down next to him on the couch trying to get a good look at his eyes; I’m not sure exactly what I’m looking for – dilated pupils, redness?
“Adam? Are you ok? I mean is something wrong?” he nodded without speaking; I prompt him again “Is that why you’re here?”
He set his glass down and turned to face me; his eyes looked normal – just anxious.
“Yes.”
“What’s going on Adam? You can tell me.” He’s silent again looking down at his hands. I decide to try a different question.
“You seemed surprised to see me, were you expecting someone else?” I say trying to lighten the mood.
“Can you tell me something, Holly?”
“Sure, what?”
“Well, you know . . . what have you been up to. . . . .for the last ten years I mean?”
I laugh nervously
“All ten of them?”
“No, I mean what you do. Your job?”
“Oh, I’m teaching; high school English, at a school in Manhattan. I’m also trying my hand at fiction writing in my spare time.” I point towards the laptop on the coffee table.
“You’re writing a book? What about?” I give him a brief over view of the visions I’ve been having lately and the parts that I still haven’t unraveled yet.
“I didn’t really plan on writing a whole book, it’s just these ideas started flowing out of me and I had to get them down on paper. After a few days or so of writing I realized that I might have the beginnings of a novel.”
His eyes are wide and his face was so pale – I thought he was going to be sick. He bent down to get something from his bag, then handed me a notebook. I turn it over in my hands. The cover of the notebook is soft pink velvet with a swirling pattern covering it.
This is my journal, my thoughts, my writing. Writing I hadn’t seen for ten years.
“Where did you get this?” I say
“I acquired it recently from a good friend,” he said a little more composed than before. Or maybe my shock was so great it overshadowed my concern with his strange behavior. He handed me a piece of paper with an address on it.
“Come see me after you read this. I’ll need your help.” I’m still staring at the notebook and I don’t even notice him walking towards the door.
“Wait Adam, I already know what’s in here, let me help you; I know it’s been awhile since we’ve seen each other, but you were such a great friend to me. Whatever’s going on with you I can help?” He looks at me for a few moments standing in front of the open door – his eyes look sad; defeated almost.
“There’s nothing wrong with me, Holly – trust me. Read it, I’ll be waiting.” He shuts the door quickly. My mind races trying to think of someone I can call to help him perhaps. I dial David’s number first his phone goes straight to voice mail.
Curiosity is eating at me now and I have to look. As I open the notebook a photograph falls out on to the floor. I pick it up staring at the girl in the photo. It’s me at eighteen or nineteen, I gasp when I notice the boy standing next to me. My legs give out and I fall back on to the couch. The boy in the photo has his arm around me kissing my cheek - his amazing blue eyes are still visible.
This is the boy from my visions; the one I’ve devoted over three hundred pages to. A boy I have never seen in my entire life. I open the book and start to read. . . . . . . . .
Click here to read the most recent query.
Chapter 1 – “Ten Years”
“I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera. It's terrible.”
“Mrs. Newman?” A tall boy in the front row interrupts my reading aloud.
“Yes Jason?”
“Why should it matter if Holden is a great liar, he’s not writing for anyone else? I don’t understand why we can’t trust his narration? And please don’t say: What do you think?” I laugh aloud at how well he knows my style.
“Ok, let me ask you this Jason, Do you think it’s possible for someone to lie to themselves?” I say trying to work around his request.
“I guess I see what you mean – like denial?” He says
“Exactly, people lie to themselves all the time. Mothers in denial about their kid being the school bully. My kids not fat he’s just big boned!” The class is laughing and I have all their attention now.
“The only fact you really need to know when deciding what to take as true in the book is that
Holden’s perspective changes, the way he looks at the world changes from the beginning of the book to the end.”
“So I’m guessing that will be a test question?” Another boy says
“Absolutely, the test questions aren’t a secret. My intention is not to trick you.”
“That sounds like a trick to me!” A girl named Emma says
“If you’ve read the story, I mean really read it, you’ll do fine. I’m happy to give you my opinions on the interpretation, but if you decide that Holden really works for the CIA and you can give me examples and details to support that you won’t fail.”
“You know that could be true.” Jason says causing the entire classroom to erupt in laughter.
“Remember, I didn’t write the book – It’s not my place to tell you you’re wrong. Unless I can tell you didn’t read, of course.”
“In other words, there’s no easy way out?” Jason speaks up again.
“There never is.” I answer him with a smile.
4:00pm – Back in my Ford Escort, I can finally allow my mind to drift back to the girl on the beach. I try to recall some of the visions from earlier today. I remember the handsome boy’s tears and – why was he so upset? There was desperation in their eyes, something horrible had just happened – something tragic. I needed to replay the visions over and over until I could get to my computer. I know the wording won’t be perfect but I just had to get the story down. Somehow I knew if I could just get it out of my head the pieces would fall into place.
I unlocked the door, threw my things in the closet and sat down at the computer. Alone at last. For thirty minutes I type without a single hesitation. I’m jolted out of my fantasy world as the door bell rings. I hit the save button with a groan and head for the front door, it’s always something.
When I open the door a young man with dark curly hair and glasses is standing in front of me looking unbelievably anxious. His eyes widen when he sees me
“Holly! I can’t believe it’s you! You’re alright?” I recognize his face at last.
“Adam Silverman? What are you doing here?” He seems to be composing himself. Somehow it doesn’t seem like he had expected me to open the door.
“I was in town and I heard you lived here . . . . . with someone? I just thought I would stop by.” He could tell I wasn’t buying the “I-was-just-in-town” story. We hadn’t seen each other in ten years; maybe he wasn’t quite stable – mentally I mean.
“Would you like to come in, Adam?” I say slowly in case he might have trouble understanding me. He looks exactly the same; I can’t believe after ten years he hasn’t gained a pound. It looked like he even had the same glasses.
“Actually I just needed to give you something.” He follows me into the house and I point to the couch for him to have a seat.
“Really, what?” I say walking to the kitchen and filling a glass of water for him. He takes a large gulp right away then chokes and points at my left hand.
“The ring. . . on your hand?” He says stumbling with his words
“My wedding ring?” I say, he’s definitely messed up – drugs maybe? I hadn’t heard that but who knows. He swallows another gulp before speaking again.
“You’re married to. . . .?”
“David.” I say slowly again.
“Wow, David . . . huh that’s interesting.” I sat down next to him on the couch trying to get a good look at his eyes; I’m not sure exactly what I’m looking for – dilated pupils, redness?
“Adam? Are you ok? I mean is something wrong?” he nodded without speaking; I prompt him again “Is that why you’re here?”
He set his glass down and turned to face me; his eyes looked normal – just anxious.
“Yes.”
“What’s going on Adam? You can tell me.” He’s silent again looking down at his hands. I decide to try a different question.
“You seemed surprised to see me, were you expecting someone else?” I say trying to lighten the mood.
“Can you tell me something, Holly?”
“Sure, what?”
“Well, you know . . . what have you been up to. . . . .for the last ten years I mean?”
I laugh nervously
“All ten of them?”
“No, I mean what you do. Your job?”
“Oh, I’m teaching; high school English, at a school in Manhattan. I’m also trying my hand at fiction writing in my spare time.” I point towards the laptop on the coffee table.
“You’re writing a book? What about?” I give him a brief over view of the visions I’ve been having lately and the parts that I still haven’t unraveled yet.
“I didn’t really plan on writing a whole book, it’s just these ideas started flowing out of me and I had to get them down on paper. After a few days or so of writing I realized that I might have the beginnings of a novel.”
His eyes are wide and his face was so pale – I thought he was going to be sick. He bent down to get something from his bag, then handed me a notebook. I turn it over in my hands. The cover of the notebook is soft pink velvet with a swirling pattern covering it.
This is my journal, my thoughts, my writing. Writing I hadn’t seen for ten years.
“Where did you get this?” I say
“I acquired it recently from a good friend,” he said a little more composed than before. Or maybe my shock was so great it overshadowed my concern with his strange behavior. He handed me a piece of paper with an address on it.
“Come see me after you read this. I’ll need your help.” I’m still staring at the notebook and I don’t even notice him walking towards the door.
“Wait Adam, I already know what’s in here, let me help you; I know it’s been awhile since we’ve seen each other, but you were such a great friend to me. Whatever’s going on with you I can help?” He looks at me for a few moments standing in front of the open door – his eyes look sad; defeated almost.
“There’s nothing wrong with me, Holly – trust me. Read it, I’ll be waiting.” He shuts the door quickly. My mind races trying to think of someone I can call to help him perhaps. I dial David’s number first his phone goes straight to voice mail.
Curiosity is eating at me now and I have to look. As I open the notebook a photograph falls out on to the floor. I pick it up staring at the girl in the photo. It’s me at eighteen or nineteen, I gasp when I notice the boy standing next to me. My legs give out and I fall back on to the couch. The boy in the photo has his arm around me kissing my cheek - his amazing blue eyes are still visible.
This is the boy from my visions; the one I’ve devoted over three hundred pages to. A boy I have never seen in my entire life. I open the book and start to read. . . . . . . . .
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