Thanks to the four writers who participated in the Show and NO Tell contest. I enjoyed reading all the entries. My favorite was Jenny's (entry #1). There was a real emotional reason for Jimmy to hate pizza, and the slow build to the reveal was well-paced. Great job!
The runner-up is a tough call. I like the emotions in Luis' entry (#2), and think there is a good degree of realism. I was able to feel the despair. Darrell's Frankenstein entry (#3) was was a fun reprieve from the more serious entries, and I especially liked the twist at the end of Teralyn's entry (#4) with the offer for Parmesan, showing that the alternative had its own issues.
So for runner up, I'm declaring a three-way tie. All four win!
I have Teralyn's address. For the other three, please email me at rjdaley101071 (at) gmail (dot) com with your mailing address and I'll mail your signed copies of THE MAN IN THE CINDER CLOUDS out this week, I hope you enjoy reading it.
Thanks for participating!
Jul 20, 2011
Jul 19, 2011
Query - Duck for cover, my dad's going to explode
Dear Agent,
Trapped in an elevator with no way out, Jake fights to survive the terror of breathing in the haunting aroma of an elevator fart. A suspicion has formed in his mind that an alien army has taken over his fathers body, and were using everything at their disposal to wage a war of escape. It started as a few simple sneezes, then before Jake knew it, he was ducking for cover from his fathers pulsating puss filled pimples.
Doomed to have no control over his bodily functions, his father must experience the humiliation of exploding in the grossest ways possible, from shooting potentially deadly snot of mass destruction to stomach churning projectile vomiting. The aliens even tried climbing to freedom through the dense jungle of his nasal passages, with a soggy piece of spaghetti.
Then there was the incident with the elephant.
Duck for cover, my dad's going to explode is a humorous chapter book and complete at 13,400 words. I would be delighted to send the full manuscript at your request.
Thank you for your time and consideration and have a great day.
Yours sincerely,
M Jones
Trapped in an elevator with no way out, Jake fights to survive the terror of breathing in the haunting aroma of an elevator fart. A suspicion has formed in his mind that an alien army has taken over his fathers body, and were using everything at their disposal to wage a war of escape. It started as a few simple sneezes, then before Jake knew it, he was ducking for cover from his fathers pulsating puss filled pimples.
Doomed to have no control over his bodily functions, his father must experience the humiliation of exploding in the grossest ways possible, from shooting potentially deadly snot of mass destruction to stomach churning projectile vomiting. The aliens even tried climbing to freedom through the dense jungle of his nasal passages, with a soggy piece of spaghetti.
Then there was the incident with the elephant.
Duck for cover, my dad's going to explode is a humorous chapter book and complete at 13,400 words. I would be delighted to send the full manuscript at your request.
Thank you for your time and consideration and have a great day.
Yours sincerely,
M Jones
Jul 18, 2011
Show and NO Tell- Entry #4
Click here for the contest description. The task was to answer the question: Why does Jimmy hate pizza?
By Teralyn Rose Pilgrim
“I bought pizza to eat while we study,” said Julie. She opened a box of steaming pizza with relish as if she were offering him a special treat.
Jimmy tried not to grimace as he picked up a piece and felt it go limp in his hand. Julie stuffed a large bite in her mouth and savored the bite with glee. “Mmm,” she said.
I like this girl, Jimmy reminded himself. I’m not going to offend her by refusing her pizza.
He took a bite and a long string of rubbery cheese slid off the bread and onto his shirt, leaving strings of red goop all down his front. Embarrassed, he decided to leave the blood-sauce crust naked and stuffed the cheese into his mouth. It was like chewing on a ball of slimy rubber bands.
As he formed the cheese into a digestible paste, he tried not to think of his 3rd-grade field trip to the cheese factory.
He remembered him and his classmates peering over the railing above the equipment. They ooo-ed and ahh-ed over the stainless-steel vats of stirring milk. The teacher led them along the rail to the packaging area where blocks of yellow cheddar zoomed through a narrow terminal. They jerked to a stop in front of a worker and a machine that wrapped the cheese in plastic and sucked out the air with a gasp and a click.
The woman was old enough to be the wicked witch of the west. She wore no hairnet, so Jimmy could see her charcoal-gray hair shine from a thick layer of grease. He recoiled when he saw the same grease covering her face from the root of her damp hair, past her crooked green teeth, and plastered down her neck.
She didn’t wear any gloves, but handled the cheese with her bare, wrinkled hands. She wiped sweat off her forehead with the back of her wrist. Then to his horror, she scratched her head and put her now grease-soaked fingers back on the block of cheese. No one but Jimmy noticed a single strand of hair get caught under her jagged nail. The strand flowed in the air as it followed her finger to the cheese as she pushed it through the machine.
Jimmy knew the same women hadn’t touched the cheese that was on his pizza – well, he thought he knew, but he couldn’t really be sure – but whenever he saw cheese, he imagined it coated in hair grease. He thought of this when he saw melted cheese glisten with wetness.
He tried to swallow the huge gob of mozzarella in his mouth, insisting to himself that it wasn’t filled with strands of old lady hair, or jagged fingernails, or crooked teeth. The cheese got caught in the back of his throat and he gagged.
“Are you okay?” asked Julie.
Jimmy forced the mouthful down with a vengeance. He put the rest of his piece down, unable to eat anymore.
“My stomach doesn’t feel the best,” he mumbled. “The pepperoni is too strong and it made me feel nauseous.” He thought he sounded lame, but Julie rubbed his arm and gave him a look of sympathy.
“I have some spaghetti in the fridge. Would you like that instead?”
Jimmy sighed with relief as she went to the kitchen. He picked up his math book and heard the refrigerator door open.
“Would you like parmesan cheese on your spaghetti?” she asked.
“No!”
Jimmy cleared his throat. “I mean, no thank you.”
Show and NO Tell- Entry #3
Click here for the contest description. The task was to answer the question: Why does Jimmy hate pizza?
Why does Jimmy hate Pizza?
By Darrell B. Nelson
http://darrellbnelson.blogspot.com/
http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/DarrellBNelson
Brian pulled up to the old mansion and pulled up the hood of his Pizza Joint jacket, “I hope he tips good, asking for a delivery in the middle of a thunder storm.”
By Darrell B. Nelson
http://darrellbnelson.blogspot.com/
http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/DarrellBNelson
Brian pulled up to the old mansion and pulled up the hood of his Pizza Joint jacket, “I hope he tips good, asking for a delivery in the middle of a thunder storm.”
He grabbed the warming bag that contained the customer's pizza and jogged from his little Sentra to the front door as fast as he could without harming the contents of the bag. Even with his hood up he could
feel himself getting soaked as he waited for the owner to answer the door.
feel himself getting soaked as he waited for the owner to answer the door.
“Come in, Come in,” the old man in the white lab coat said when he opened the door.
Brian wiped the water off the bag and opened it. He pulled out the extra large pizza making sure it had stayed safe from the downpour. It had, “That will be $22.56. Mr. Stein.”
“Call me Frank.” The man took the pizza and set it on the table next to the door, opened the box and looked it over, “Did you put all the ingredients in the right proportions as I asked?”
“It was one of our tougher pizzas but our cook is really good.”
“We will see.” The man pulled out a fifty dollar bill, “This is yours if you did it correctly. Come with me.”
“I'm not allowed to go more than a few feet passed the front door,” Brain said. “Company Policy.”
“For a $27 tip you can make an exception.”
A huge clap of thunder hurt Brian's ears and he could hear the front door being battered by an insane amount of rain, “I guess I could.”
He started following Frank and heard a child's voice yell out from the other side of the main hall, “Are we having pizza?”
Brian looked to see a 10 year-old enter the hall smiling and holding a small poodle.
“No Jimmy, this is for the experiment,” Frank told the child.
“Everything is for the experiment, I never get anything.” Jimmy frowned.
“If this works you will have everything, Jimmy.” Frank said.
“Why can't you be nice like Fluffy.” Jimmy hugged his poodle.
“I'm on the verge of the biggest medical breakthrough in history of mankind, that's why.” Frank opened the door off the main hall to reveal a huge lab with beakers bubbling and a Jacob's Ladder sending arcs of electricity up its length. He quickly moved to the center of the lab and slid the pizza out of the box onto the exam table. He poked numerous wires into the crust and sprinkled a liquid over it.
“Now we just have to wait for a lightning bolt to hit.” Frank smiled.
“Okay?” Brian was about to ask for his money and leave with or without tip when a huge flash of lightning filled the main hall with light and he heard the thunderbolt at the exact same time.
When his eyes readjusted he saw the pizza was moving. It was flipping the sides of its crust trying to undo the wires that were poking into it.
“Its Alive, Alive!” Frank yelled.
Fluffy broke free from Jimmy's arms and ran over to bark at the unholy animation.
Frank quickly released the living pizza from the restraining wires and threw his hands up in the air, “I have broken the bounds between life and death. This pizza will bring a new dawn for humanity.”
Humanity's new dawn took the opportunity to leap from the table and completely envelop the poodle that was barking at it.
“Fluffy!” Jimmy cried out.
Brian ran over and tried to pull the pizza off the helpless dog, but it had become much tougher than a pizza had any right to be.
“Stand back!” Frank yelled starting up the bone saw, “This abomination was my creation, and I alone must deal with it. It was my folly to believe that I could tamper with the laws of god and the universe. This should be a lesson to all mankind...”
“Could you help already and give your speech later?” Brian interrupted Frank as the pizza had turned on him and grabbed his arm.
“Oh yeah, that might be a good idea.” Frank started cutting up the pizza with the bone saw. After cutting half the pizza into one inch slices it grew weak enough for Brian to pry loose his arm.
Frank and Brian wrestled with the pizza and finally killed it, but it was too late for Fluffy who was now just cheese covered hair and a tail. The pizza had dissolved the rest of the body.
Brian looked over at little Jimmy who was in tears.
“I'm really sorry,” Brian said. “If it will make it any better I can talk to my manager, Bernie, about getting you another pizza.”
“I hate Pizza!” Jimmy shouted. “Pizza ate my dog.”
Show and NO Tell- Entry #2
Click here for the contest description. The task was to answer the question: Why does Jimmy hate pizza?
Mr. Pizza
by Luis Vendrell
The cafeteria was acrid with pubescent sweat. Boys, those who had yet to realize that deodorant is more than a courtesy, filled the seats around him. Girls who understood the intricacies of bathing clung to the edges, far away from the almost visible cloud of pungent stink emitted by the males. Jimmy wished he had the courage to join them. Anything to get away from the barbaric guys who thought punching him in the gut was the funniest thing they last farted.
The stench wafted at him from all directions. He could feel the grease cling to his face and soak into his skin.
As if he needed anything else to add to the blotched wasteland of his face.
Jimmy poked at the food on his plate. How could he have forgotten his lunch? He was under strict orders from his dermatologist: Do not stray from this diet. Well, that was, if he didn't want to end up looking like that guy from Machete. But, here he was, faced with the only food in the world that mirrored his face. The one food that could mock him simply with its existence.
Pizza. It made him all too aware of the three new pimples that had sprung up on his forehead over night. Each with a white bulb fresh for the popping. He had resisted the urge to do so, but only barely. The debate as to whether a pearl of puss or a seeping red hole was worse went on for fifteen minutes while he stared at himself in the mirror.
Whatever cosmic entity had decided to crap on him today has certainly done its homework. Grease oozed red from the pepperoni and mixed with its clear counterpoint from the cheese. He imagined touching it, the way the viscous fluid would adhere to his fingertips. Traces would remain even after wiping it away. No napkin stood a chance against that mess. Still, he had an army of the things set before him -- a vain hope that maybe he could win this battle.
With a sigh Jimmy plucked one from the top of the pile. Then, unsure if a lone sheet could handle the task, he grabbed several more. He dabbed at the top of the slice. The action started timid, but turned determined as the white paper became translucent. It was more like kicking a dog than discarding a used napkin when he slapped the sodden mass into the cup cut-out of his Styrofoam tray. Orange specks spattered and speckled the ringed top edge. His stomach groaned at the sight while his mind made the corollary between the visage and his face.
At least that is over, he thought and looked upon his lunch. More oil had seeped out of the places he had already wiped.
"Really?" He asked the air.
"Who yah talkin' to Jay?" Jorge Valdez, the kid seated next to him, turned towards Jimmy, his lips shined with the sheen of his already eaten pizza. A smear crept up from his mouth in a diagonal across his cheek. Jimmy imagined a line of white-heads using the grease as fuel to finally breach the surface of his skin. That was, if Jorge had ever had to struggle against blemishes. His tanned skin was flawless.
"No one," Jimmy said and grabbed several more napkins. It was futile. The stupid slice of pizza seemed to have an infinite supply of grease. In despair he pinched the bridge of his nose, before quickly retracting his hand, but the damage was done. Like a second parasitic skin the stickiness of his fingerprints burned. How many blemishes would come from that inadvertent action?
One step closer to you Mr. Pizza, he thought with a glare at triangular slab in front of him.
A voice broke though his melancholy, "Yah goin' to eat that?" Jorge pointed at the tramped down slice.
"No." Jimmy shook his head.
"Can I have it?"
"It's all yours, man." He pushed the tray towards Jorge.
"Sweet." Jorge reached towards the pizza with gleaming fingers. The corner of his mouth curved up slightly when he held the floppy thing to the rest of the table.
If Jimmy had known what he would do next, maybe he would have left before it happened.
The imbecile folded the slice in half. It was a poor imitation of a mouth. "Hey everybody! I'm Jimmy." Jorge traitorous words spoke for the pizza. He then held the slice a few inches from
Jimmy's face. "It's like lookin' in a mirror huh?"
Before Jimmy could stand up and flee the scene Jorge slammed the slice right into his face. Long gone cold from Jimmy's inability to eat it, the pizza still managed to secrete its damning venom onto his flesh.
The only thing louder than the resultant laughs from everyone in the cafeteria, was the scream of his shame.
Mr. Pizza
by Luis Vendrell
The cafeteria was acrid with pubescent sweat. Boys, those who had yet to realize that deodorant is more than a courtesy, filled the seats around him. Girls who understood the intricacies of bathing clung to the edges, far away from the almost visible cloud of pungent stink emitted by the males. Jimmy wished he had the courage to join them. Anything to get away from the barbaric guys who thought punching him in the gut was the funniest thing they last farted.
The stench wafted at him from all directions. He could feel the grease cling to his face and soak into his skin.
As if he needed anything else to add to the blotched wasteland of his face.
Jimmy poked at the food on his plate. How could he have forgotten his lunch? He was under strict orders from his dermatologist: Do not stray from this diet. Well, that was, if he didn't want to end up looking like that guy from Machete. But, here he was, faced with the only food in the world that mirrored his face. The one food that could mock him simply with its existence.
Pizza. It made him all too aware of the three new pimples that had sprung up on his forehead over night. Each with a white bulb fresh for the popping. He had resisted the urge to do so, but only barely. The debate as to whether a pearl of puss or a seeping red hole was worse went on for fifteen minutes while he stared at himself in the mirror.
Whatever cosmic entity had decided to crap on him today has certainly done its homework. Grease oozed red from the pepperoni and mixed with its clear counterpoint from the cheese. He imagined touching it, the way the viscous fluid would adhere to his fingertips. Traces would remain even after wiping it away. No napkin stood a chance against that mess. Still, he had an army of the things set before him -- a vain hope that maybe he could win this battle.
With a sigh Jimmy plucked one from the top of the pile. Then, unsure if a lone sheet could handle the task, he grabbed several more. He dabbed at the top of the slice. The action started timid, but turned determined as the white paper became translucent. It was more like kicking a dog than discarding a used napkin when he slapped the sodden mass into the cup cut-out of his Styrofoam tray. Orange specks spattered and speckled the ringed top edge. His stomach groaned at the sight while his mind made the corollary between the visage and his face.
At least that is over, he thought and looked upon his lunch. More oil had seeped out of the places he had already wiped.
"Really?" He asked the air.
"Who yah talkin' to Jay?" Jorge Valdez, the kid seated next to him, turned towards Jimmy, his lips shined with the sheen of his already eaten pizza. A smear crept up from his mouth in a diagonal across his cheek. Jimmy imagined a line of white-heads using the grease as fuel to finally breach the surface of his skin. That was, if Jorge had ever had to struggle against blemishes. His tanned skin was flawless.
"No one," Jimmy said and grabbed several more napkins. It was futile. The stupid slice of pizza seemed to have an infinite supply of grease. In despair he pinched the bridge of his nose, before quickly retracting his hand, but the damage was done. Like a second parasitic skin the stickiness of his fingerprints burned. How many blemishes would come from that inadvertent action?
One step closer to you Mr. Pizza, he thought with a glare at triangular slab in front of him.
A voice broke though his melancholy, "Yah goin' to eat that?" Jorge pointed at the tramped down slice.
"No." Jimmy shook his head.
"Can I have it?"
"It's all yours, man." He pushed the tray towards Jorge.
"Sweet." Jorge reached towards the pizza with gleaming fingers. The corner of his mouth curved up slightly when he held the floppy thing to the rest of the table.
If Jimmy had known what he would do next, maybe he would have left before it happened.
The imbecile folded the slice in half. It was a poor imitation of a mouth. "Hey everybody! I'm Jimmy." Jorge traitorous words spoke for the pizza. He then held the slice a few inches from
Jimmy's face. "It's like lookin' in a mirror huh?"
Before Jimmy could stand up and flee the scene Jorge slammed the slice right into his face. Long gone cold from Jimmy's inability to eat it, the pizza still managed to secrete its damning venom onto his flesh.
The only thing louder than the resultant laughs from everyone in the cafeteria, was the scream of his shame.
Show and NO Tell- Entry #1
Click here for the contest description. The task was to answer the question: Why does Jimmy hate pizza?
The first entry, from Jenny (http://telecate.blogspot.com/):
"Do we have to have pizza again?" Jimmy Boyd asked his mother as they pulled into Romano's for the seventeenth week in a row. "We always get the same kind, and it's not like Dad can even have any."
"I don't care," his mother said serenely. "If you want to see your father, go get the pizza. Here, you can get a dessert pizza, too, if you want." She handed over an extra five, and after a moment Jimmy accepted it and went inside, waving back to the cashier. Romano’s had already started prepping his order when they saw his mom’s Mazda pull in.
As usual, Jimmy held the steaming box on his lap in the car, trying to hold out longer and longer before he moved it for relief. The first few weeks he'd only made it to Lombard Street, but now he could reach Oregon, sometimes even Packard before he gave in. Today, he forced himself to wait until Packard had flashed by and they had actually turned onto 34th before he rescued his thighs from the burning.
They parked in their usual spot in front of the prison. Jimmy carried the pizza box, his legs still stinging, while his mother signed them in and surrendered her ID, though the prison staff knew them, too. Lana was at the desk today, while John took them down the corridor and into the visitors' room. "He'll be here in a few minutes," John said as he opened the door to their cubicle. Jimmy's mother smiled and thanked him.
In the promised few minutes, the door behind the plastic panel opened, and Jimmy's father appeared, clad in the usual orange scrubs. The guard with him, Leon, nodded politely to them both as he closed the door.
"Hi there," his father said, dropping into his chair and leaning forward. He looked exhausted, as usual, but he smiled at Jimmy.
"Hi." Jimmy sat down and put the pizza box on the other chair, knowing his mother would insist on standing behind him. "I got a B+ on my history paper! The one I was telling you about, on Egypt? I thought I was toasted when the teacher started talking about plagiarism, but it turned out she just meant you weren't supposed to use quotes without saying where you got them, not that you couldn't use them."
"That's great! What about your math test? Wasn't that today?"
"Yeah...it didn't go so hot. But hey, check it out. I was studying with Marc last night, and we--"
"Eat something," his mother interposed, opening up the Romano's box.
"I'm not hungry," Jimmy said. "So Marc and I--"
His mother pushed the box in front of him, placing the lid between him and his father, and lowered her voice to a spitting whisper. "Eat something or we're going home."
"All right." Jimmy took a slice and folded it up so he could eat twice as fast. His mother lowered the box to the counter and took out her own slice. "So Marc and I were thinking..."
He went on with the story, and his father listened, both of them doing their best to ignore his mother eating her own pizza slowly and languorously, leaning against the wall of the cubicle. "Time to go," she said when they were done, interrupting Jimmy's description of what Desiree Mills had gotten in trouble for wearing last Thursday. He would have liked to talk about other girls, specifically Raina Lee, but he wasn't quite sure what to say, and anyway there was no way while his mother was standing there.
"Can't we stay a few more minutes?" he said, though he knew the answer.
"No." She rang the bell for John to come get them.
"See you next week," his father told him, rising.
Jimmy glanced at the pizza box. "See you next week," he echoed.
His mother gave the rest of the pizza to the staff at the desk, as usual. "Can we get pepperoni next time?" John called after them as they left.
"He means thank you," Lana yelled.
They said nothing in the car, as had become usual the past month or so. At home, Jimmy told his mother he had homework and escaped to his room, where he had a box of cheese crackers and some beef jerky stashed. He threw a few crackers in his mouth and lay down on his bed.
He woke up in the dark sometime later, his mouth still tasting like powdered cheese. His alarm clock said ten-fifty-one. He pushed himself upright and went downstairs to get a drink.
The living room light was on, and on the couch his mother was slumped where she must have fallen asleep by accident just as he had. Before her were newspaper clippings and a note written on paper with the Romano's logo on it. He stepped over to look, though he knew what they were. The papers and the local news had covered his father's trial gleefully, some awful punster even calling it "a pizza bad luck all around." There was the photograph of his father and mother from a few years back. There was the separate picture of Todd the pizza guy, "who Boyd discovered was delivering more than just a hot pie to his wife," according to the local news anchor, whom Jimmy could no longer stand to listen to. There was even a photo of himself eating a piece of pizza. And on the Romano's letterhead, in Todd's handwriting: "Julie: I'll be by tomorrow at ten. I'll bring our new special, the Sausage Sizzler."
He reached forward to crumple the papers, but his mother stirred, and he stopped. Anyway, he shouldn't. He wanted to see his dad next week. He had to be on good behavior until his dad was free. He'd be out in another...let's see...five years times fifty-two was two hundred sixty weeks, minus seventeen was two-hundred forty-three pizzas. Weeks. Two-hundred forty-three weeks.
The first entry, from Jenny (http://telecate.blogspot.com/):
"Do we have to have pizza again?" Jimmy Boyd asked his mother as they pulled into Romano's for the seventeenth week in a row. "We always get the same kind, and it's not like Dad can even have any."
"I don't care," his mother said serenely. "If you want to see your father, go get the pizza. Here, you can get a dessert pizza, too, if you want." She handed over an extra five, and after a moment Jimmy accepted it and went inside, waving back to the cashier. Romano’s had already started prepping his order when they saw his mom’s Mazda pull in.
As usual, Jimmy held the steaming box on his lap in the car, trying to hold out longer and longer before he moved it for relief. The first few weeks he'd only made it to Lombard Street, but now he could reach Oregon, sometimes even Packard before he gave in. Today, he forced himself to wait until Packard had flashed by and they had actually turned onto 34th before he rescued his thighs from the burning.
They parked in their usual spot in front of the prison. Jimmy carried the pizza box, his legs still stinging, while his mother signed them in and surrendered her ID, though the prison staff knew them, too. Lana was at the desk today, while John took them down the corridor and into the visitors' room. "He'll be here in a few minutes," John said as he opened the door to their cubicle. Jimmy's mother smiled and thanked him.
In the promised few minutes, the door behind the plastic panel opened, and Jimmy's father appeared, clad in the usual orange scrubs. The guard with him, Leon, nodded politely to them both as he closed the door.
"Hi there," his father said, dropping into his chair and leaning forward. He looked exhausted, as usual, but he smiled at Jimmy.
"Hi." Jimmy sat down and put the pizza box on the other chair, knowing his mother would insist on standing behind him. "I got a B+ on my history paper! The one I was telling you about, on Egypt? I thought I was toasted when the teacher started talking about plagiarism, but it turned out she just meant you weren't supposed to use quotes without saying where you got them, not that you couldn't use them."
"That's great! What about your math test? Wasn't that today?"
"Yeah...it didn't go so hot. But hey, check it out. I was studying with Marc last night, and we--"
"Eat something," his mother interposed, opening up the Romano's box.
"I'm not hungry," Jimmy said. "So Marc and I--"
His mother pushed the box in front of him, placing the lid between him and his father, and lowered her voice to a spitting whisper. "Eat something or we're going home."
"All right." Jimmy took a slice and folded it up so he could eat twice as fast. His mother lowered the box to the counter and took out her own slice. "So Marc and I were thinking..."
He went on with the story, and his father listened, both of them doing their best to ignore his mother eating her own pizza slowly and languorously, leaning against the wall of the cubicle. "Time to go," she said when they were done, interrupting Jimmy's description of what Desiree Mills had gotten in trouble for wearing last Thursday. He would have liked to talk about other girls, specifically Raina Lee, but he wasn't quite sure what to say, and anyway there was no way while his mother was standing there.
"Can't we stay a few more minutes?" he said, though he knew the answer.
"No." She rang the bell for John to come get them.
"See you next week," his father told him, rising.
Jimmy glanced at the pizza box. "See you next week," he echoed.
His mother gave the rest of the pizza to the staff at the desk, as usual. "Can we get pepperoni next time?" John called after them as they left.
"He means thank you," Lana yelled.
They said nothing in the car, as had become usual the past month or so. At home, Jimmy told his mother he had homework and escaped to his room, where he had a box of cheese crackers and some beef jerky stashed. He threw a few crackers in his mouth and lay down on his bed.
He woke up in the dark sometime later, his mouth still tasting like powdered cheese. His alarm clock said ten-fifty-one. He pushed himself upright and went downstairs to get a drink.
The living room light was on, and on the couch his mother was slumped where she must have fallen asleep by accident just as he had. Before her were newspaper clippings and a note written on paper with the Romano's logo on it. He stepped over to look, though he knew what they were. The papers and the local news had covered his father's trial gleefully, some awful punster even calling it "a pizza bad luck all around." There was the photograph of his father and mother from a few years back. There was the separate picture of Todd the pizza guy, "who Boyd discovered was delivering more than just a hot pie to his wife," according to the local news anchor, whom Jimmy could no longer stand to listen to. There was even a photo of himself eating a piece of pizza. And on the Romano's letterhead, in Todd's handwriting: "Julie: I'll be by tomorrow at ten. I'll bring our new special, the Sausage Sizzler."
He reached forward to crumple the papers, but his mother stirred, and he stopped. Anyway, he shouldn't. He wanted to see his dad next week. He had to be on good behavior until his dad was free. He'd be out in another...let's see...five years times fifty-two was two hundred sixty weeks, minus seventeen was two-hundred forty-three pizzas. Weeks. Two-hundred forty-three weeks.
Jul 14, 2011
Contest- Show and NO Tell
Since there's a slowdown in queries, and since I have a book out, I think it's time for a Slushpile contest. And since I'm the moderator and have unrestricted access to posts, no one can stop me.
[Insert evil laugh here]
Contest rules: Answer the question below in a short story (750-1,000 words). You must use the characters / actions / narrative to show me the answer…going right out and telling me the answer is cheating! Submit your entries as comments to this post or email me at rjdaley 101071 (at) gmail (dot) com. You have until 8am EST on Monday, July 18 to enter.
Question: Why does Jimmy hate pizza?
Suggestions: Food allergy; his father choked on pepperoni and died; Jimmy was dropped on his head by delivery guy when he was a baby, etc. Get creative, and show me the answer!
Prize: I will send a signed copy of my book, THE MAN IN THE CINDER CLOUDS to my two favorite entries. Winners will be announced on Thursday, July 21 whenever I get around to it. Prizes will be awarded shortly thereafter.
[Insert evil laugh here]
Contest rules: Answer the question below in a short story (750-1,000 words). You must use the characters / actions / narrative to show me the answer…going right out and telling me the answer is cheating! Submit your entries as comments to this post or email me at rjdaley 101071 (at) gmail (dot) com. You have until 8am EST on Monday, July 18 to enter.
Question: Why does Jimmy hate pizza?
Suggestions: Food allergy; his father choked on pepperoni and died; Jimmy was dropped on his head by delivery guy when he was a baby, etc. Get creative, and show me the answer!
Prize: I will send a signed copy of my book, THE MAN IN THE CINDER CLOUDS to my two favorite entries. Winners will be announced on Thursday, July 21 whenever I get around to it. Prizes will be awarded shortly thereafter.
Jul 13, 2011
Book Release Announcement!
ANCIENT BOOK DISCOVERED UNDER ARCTIC ICE
COLUMBUS, OH (July 2011)- A team of climatologists reported a startling discovery: an ancient book of unknown origin embedded deep in an Arctic ice core. The team immediately set out to excavate the rest of the book—the drill had only punched through its center—and spent days piecing it together before cracking the cover. The text is in English, Spanish, and Japanese, and tells an incredible story you have to read to believe…
Such is the premise of The Man in the Cinder Clouds, a debut novel by Rick Daley. This brilliant re-telling of the origins of Santa Claus brings the nostalgia and wonder of the old clay-mation Christmas specials to life. “Rather than try to trace Santa’s history through the years, I focused instead on his first Christmas, and the challenges he faced that year,” Daley explained. “I wanted it to feel real.”
And feel real it does. This story-within-a-story (within a story) reveals the origins of all of the most famous aspects of the Santa Claus legend: from his red suit and white hair to Christmas trees, stockings, and lumps of coal (and everything in between). The story also answers the age old question: How does Santa fit all those presents in his sack?
“The little details are a big part of the book’s appeal. They are not gratuitous; they all make sense in the context of the story and the characters. Sure his suit is red because that’s his favorite color, but why is it his favorite color? It’s no spoiler to say he meets Mrs. Claus and falls in love, but how does their relationship grow? That’s what was important to me in writing this tale,” Daley said. “And while the main character is Kris Kringle—known as ‘the man in the cinder clouds’ after an accident involving a chimney—the layers of the story above and below Kris’ tale are fascinating…from the people who found the book in the ice, struggling to decide if they should keep it and get rich or find a way to return the book to its rightful owner, to the two orphans Kris befriends after their greedy uncle robs them of their inheritance.”
If you've ever believed in Santa Claus, this is the book for you. And there’s no need to wait until Christmas, you can open this one early: The Man in the Cinder Clouds is available in print through CreateSpace, and will be available at Amazon.com and other online retailers in the coming weeks. A Kindle version is scheduled for release in early August. For more information, visit www.cinderclouds.com.
Publication Date: July 12, 2011
IBSN-13: 978-1461091684
Jun 27, 2011
Query- Sex, Drugs and the SATs: Getting out of High School and Getting in to College
Ginger Cobb and Kathleen Glynn-Sparrow
[Street Address]
[City, ST Zip Code]
March 10, 2011
[Recipient Name]
[Title]
[Company Name]
[Street Address]
[City, ST ZIP Code]
Dear
If the baby books had told us that one day we would have to talk to our teenager about sex, drugs, and the SATs, we would have used birth control! Teenagers today text instead of talk, twitter instead of chatter and blog instead of blab. So how do we communicate with them about two key life journeys: getting out of high school and getting into college?
Sex, Drugs and the SATs: Getting out of High School and Getting in to College is not only based on research, but also, real-life experience. The advice here is culled from a combined thirty-five years of practical hands-on experience with teenagers and parents. We have worked day to day with teenagers and know they come with problems in all shapes and sizes; there is no one -size -fits -all solution when it comes to raising teenagers. From putting a party-gone-bad plan into place to crafting a clever college essay, this book will give parents savvy solutions to surviving the teenage years.
Ginger Walsh Cobb holds a B.A. in English from Denison University and an M.A. in Private School Leadership from Columbia University. Currently, Ginger is finishing her 18th year at St. Andrew’s Episcopal School in Potomac, Maryland. As Dean of Students, she educates students and their families about the following: drug and alcohol use, stress, harassment, abuse, internet safety, relationships and depression.
Kathleen Glynn-Sparrow holds a B.A. from Duke University and a M.Ed. from Emory University. Previously, Kathleen served as Director of College Counseling at St. Andrew’s Episcopal School in Potomac, MD. Currently, she is the Chair of the English Department at Stone Ridge School of the Sacred Heart in Bethesda, MD. She also runs The College Coaches, a counseling service which guides families through the college process. Kathleen has counseled students from prestigious college preparatory schools all over the Washington, D.C. area.
We have enclosed a Table of Contents and a few chapters. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Ginger Cobb and Kathleen Glynn-Sparrow
[Contact Information]
[Street Address]
[City, ST Zip Code]
March 10, 2011
[Recipient Name]
[Title]
[Company Name]
[Street Address]
[City, ST ZIP Code]
Dear
If the baby books had told us that one day we would have to talk to our teenager about sex, drugs, and the SATs, we would have used birth control! Teenagers today text instead of talk, twitter instead of chatter and blog instead of blab. So how do we communicate with them about two key life journeys: getting out of high school and getting into college?
Sex, Drugs and the SATs: Getting out of High School and Getting in to College is not only based on research, but also, real-life experience. The advice here is culled from a combined thirty-five years of practical hands-on experience with teenagers and parents. We have worked day to day with teenagers and know they come with problems in all shapes and sizes; there is no one -size -fits -all solution when it comes to raising teenagers. From putting a party-gone-bad plan into place to crafting a clever college essay, this book will give parents savvy solutions to surviving the teenage years.
Ginger Walsh Cobb holds a B.A. in English from Denison University and an M.A. in Private School Leadership from Columbia University. Currently, Ginger is finishing her 18th year at St. Andrew’s Episcopal School in Potomac, Maryland. As Dean of Students, she educates students and their families about the following: drug and alcohol use, stress, harassment, abuse, internet safety, relationships and depression.
Kathleen Glynn-Sparrow holds a B.A. from Duke University and a M.Ed. from Emory University. Previously, Kathleen served as Director of College Counseling at St. Andrew’s Episcopal School in Potomac, MD. Currently, she is the Chair of the English Department at Stone Ridge School of the Sacred Heart in Bethesda, MD. She also runs The College Coaches, a counseling service which guides families through the college process. Kathleen has counseled students from prestigious college preparatory schools all over the Washington, D.C. area.
We have enclosed a Table of Contents and a few chapters. Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Ginger Cobb and Kathleen Glynn-Sparrow
[Contact Information]
Jun 25, 2011
Query-GRIMACE
Dear Agent,
To escape the blame surrounding the death of her high school love, seventeen-year-old Jillian takes the ultimate bribe from her manipulative mother: Come to Scotland, survive senior year alone, and ‘heal’.
But Jillian doesn’t go to Scotland alone. With her she takes a mysterious voice that spews cryptic nonsense. Even with The Voice Jillian feels more alone than ever. Her solitude ends only when a different voice coaxes her into drinking an elixir labeled ‘drync’ the old English word for drink and sends her to a world that could have been drawn with side-walk chalk.
It is there she meets Grimace: a gargoyle she pulls straight from his own purgatory and back into her own world. At last Jillian believes she has a friend she can relate to but Grimace has unfinished business on earth and to keep Jillian safe he must first put her life in great danger.
GRIMACE is a paranormal YA complete at xx,xxx words.
Thanks in advanced guys and thank you so much Rick!!
To escape the blame surrounding the death of her high school love, seventeen-year-old Jillian takes the ultimate bribe from her manipulative mother: Come to Scotland, survive senior year alone, and ‘heal’.
But Jillian doesn’t go to Scotland alone. With her she takes a mysterious voice that spews cryptic nonsense. Even with The Voice Jillian feels more alone than ever. Her solitude ends only when a different voice coaxes her into drinking an elixir labeled ‘drync’ the old English word for drink and sends her to a world that could have been drawn with side-walk chalk.
It is there she meets Grimace: a gargoyle she pulls straight from his own purgatory and back into her own world. At last Jillian believes she has a friend she can relate to but Grimace has unfinished business on earth and to keep Jillian safe he must first put her life in great danger.
GRIMACE is a paranormal YA complete at xx,xxx words.
Thanks in advanced guys and thank you so much Rick!!
Jun 20, 2011
Query- By the Sword - YA Christian Fantasy (Third Revision)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
**I truly appreciate all your feedback here. :)
Dear Agent,
Eighteen year old Talya`s main goal is to help bring down the Malinorian Empire. And Jalarn, the empire`s new young general, is at the top of her list of enemies to kill. Not only has Jalarn murdered Talya`s king, he almost killed her. Twice.
Talya`s plan to march into battle is interrupted when a visiting prophet tells her that God has called her on a peaceful mission to Hunter Forest. In the forest, Talya runs into Jalarn. After a gruelling fight, Talya`s skills prevail, but as she removes his battle mask to slit his throat, memories of a haunting vision convince her to spare his life. She flees – right into the hands of Jalarn`s men.
When Talya awakens in a prison, Jalarn orders her to make a decision to follow Malinor in the upcoming war, or die. But as Talya`s faith in God grows and she shares it with Jalarn, they become closer. When Jalarn begins to show curiosity in Talya`s God, he is no longer a heartless monster in her eyes. The problem is that there are no secrets in a castle full of magic. And someone is on to them.
By the Sword is a young adult Christian fantasy novel that is 70,000 words in length.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Click here to read the first revision.
Click here to read the second revision.
**I truly appreciate all your feedback here. :)
Dear Agent,
Eighteen year old Talya`s main goal is to help bring down the Malinorian Empire. And Jalarn, the empire`s new young general, is at the top of her list of enemies to kill. Not only has Jalarn murdered Talya`s king, he almost killed her. Twice.
Talya`s plan to march into battle is interrupted when a visiting prophet tells her that God has called her on a peaceful mission to Hunter Forest. In the forest, Talya runs into Jalarn. After a gruelling fight, Talya`s skills prevail, but as she removes his battle mask to slit his throat, memories of a haunting vision convince her to spare his life. She flees – right into the hands of Jalarn`s men.
When Talya awakens in a prison, Jalarn orders her to make a decision to follow Malinor in the upcoming war, or die. But as Talya`s faith in God grows and she shares it with Jalarn, they become closer. When Jalarn begins to show curiosity in Talya`s God, he is no longer a heartless monster in her eyes. The problem is that there are no secrets in a castle full of magic. And someone is on to them.
By the Sword is a young adult Christian fantasy novel that is 70,000 words in length.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Jun 16, 2011
Query- By the Sword (YA Fantasy) - Second Revision
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Eighteen year old Talya`s main goal is to help her country bring down the Malinorian Empire. And Jalarn, the empire`s new young general, is at the top of her list of enemies to kill. Not only has Jalarn murdered Talya`s king, he almost killed her. Twice.
Gut wrenching, lifelike nightmares of a young boy interrupt Talya`s focus. It doesn`t help when a visiting prophet reminds her of her blood lust problem and tells her that God has called her on a dangerous mission to Hunter Forest days before the battle. Talya agrees to go when she finds out that Jalarn will be there. They run into one another and, after a gruelling sword fight, Talya wins. But her plan to slit his throat does not go as planned when she removes his battle mask and recognizes him to be the same boy as the one in her haunting visions. She spares his life and flees, but Jalarn`s men catch up to her.
When Talya awakens in a prison, she is confronted by Jalarn to make a decision to follow Malinor in the upcoming war, or die. But as Talya`s faith in God grows and she shares it with Jalarn, they become closer. The problem is that there are no secrets in a castle full of magic. And someone is on to them.
By the Sword is a young adult Christian fantasy novel that is 70,000 words in length.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear Agent,
Eighteen year old Talya`s main goal is to help her country bring down the Malinorian Empire. And Jalarn, the empire`s new young general, is at the top of her list of enemies to kill. Not only has Jalarn murdered Talya`s king, he almost killed her. Twice.
Gut wrenching, lifelike nightmares of a young boy interrupt Talya`s focus. It doesn`t help when a visiting prophet reminds her of her blood lust problem and tells her that God has called her on a dangerous mission to Hunter Forest days before the battle. Talya agrees to go when she finds out that Jalarn will be there. They run into one another and, after a gruelling sword fight, Talya wins. But her plan to slit his throat does not go as planned when she removes his battle mask and recognizes him to be the same boy as the one in her haunting visions. She spares his life and flees, but Jalarn`s men catch up to her.
When Talya awakens in a prison, she is confronted by Jalarn to make a decision to follow Malinor in the upcoming war, or die. But as Talya`s faith in God grows and she shares it with Jalarn, they become closer. The problem is that there are no secrets in a castle full of magic. And someone is on to them.
By the Sword is a young adult Christian fantasy novel that is 70,000 words in length.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Jun 13, 2011
Query- By the Sword (YA Fantasy) First Revision
Dear Agent,
Eighteen year old Talya is a knight who lives to kill soldiers of the Malinorian Empire. She especially hates their new young general, Jalarn. Not only has Jalarn murdered Talya`s king, he almost killed her. Twice.
A prophet`s word sends Talya to Hunter Forest, where she meets Jalarn. They fight and she wins. When Talya removes Jalarn`s battle mask to slit his throat, memories of a haunting vision tug at her conscience. She spares his life and flees, but Jalarn`s men catch her.
When Talya awakens in a Malinorian prison, she is faced with the decision to follow Malinor in the upcoming war, or die. Things become more complicated as Talya and Jalarn begin to develop feelings for one another.
By the Sword is a young adult Christian fantasy novel that is 66,000 words in length.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Eighteen year old Talya is a knight who lives to kill soldiers of the Malinorian Empire. She especially hates their new young general, Jalarn. Not only has Jalarn murdered Talya`s king, he almost killed her. Twice.
A prophet`s word sends Talya to Hunter Forest, where she meets Jalarn. They fight and she wins. When Talya removes Jalarn`s battle mask to slit his throat, memories of a haunting vision tug at her conscience. She spares his life and flees, but Jalarn`s men catch her.
When Talya awakens in a Malinorian prison, she is faced with the decision to follow Malinor in the upcoming war, or die. Things become more complicated as Talya and Jalarn begin to develop feelings for one another.
By the Sword is a young adult Christian fantasy novel that is 66,000 words in length.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Jun 11, 2011
Query- ***- 1st Revision
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Ms. Agent,
I am writing to you because you represented Blah Blah by What’shis Name and I think my novel may interest you.
Machiko Yamamoto does not understand why she pulls out her hair, picks at her skin, or triple checks the locks to the small house behind the school where she works. She does not understand why, born brilliant and beloved into kindness and privilege, she spends her days alone, reading grammar books and watching travel documentaries. When a quiet foreigner moves into the abandoned thatched roof house next to her uncle’s ryokan, she decides it's time to venture forth from her loneliness.
Krista Black does not mind the weekly visits from the local English teacher. The scarred woman seems harmless, but she always wants to talk about travel and language and why Krista has come to the small, Japanese village. Krista avoids her questions; she knows the world and what it does to fragile people. Machiko may want to know Krista, but she must never learn her secrets.
Set in Kyoto, New England, Africa and Kathmandu, *** is a 96,000-word work of literary fiction, interwoven between two protagonists, across two cultures. Like THE GOD OF SMALL THINGS, or a Diane Arbus photograph, it peers beneath the comfort of expected storytelling to investigate the nature of suffering, religion, sex and, ultimately, kindness.
This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Me
(I’m sorry- the working title has to remain anonymous. I haven’t come up with a good one yet, and it’s just too mortifying to publicise my shitty attempts.)
Thanks so much for this opportunity Rick!
Dear Ms. Agent,
I am writing to you because you represented Blah Blah by What’shis Name and I think my novel may interest you.
Machiko Yamamoto does not understand why she pulls out her hair, picks at her skin, or triple checks the locks to the small house behind the school where she works. She does not understand why, born brilliant and beloved into kindness and privilege, she spends her days alone, reading grammar books and watching travel documentaries. When a quiet foreigner moves into the abandoned thatched roof house next to her uncle’s ryokan, she decides it's time to venture forth from her loneliness.
Krista Black does not mind the weekly visits from the local English teacher. The scarred woman seems harmless, but she always wants to talk about travel and language and why Krista has come to the small, Japanese village. Krista avoids her questions; she knows the world and what it does to fragile people. Machiko may want to know Krista, but she must never learn her secrets.
Set in Kyoto, New England, Africa and Kathmandu, *** is a 96,000-word work of literary fiction, interwoven between two protagonists, across two cultures. Like THE GOD OF SMALL THINGS, or a Diane Arbus photograph, it peers beneath the comfort of expected storytelling to investigate the nature of suffering, religion, sex and, ultimately, kindness.
This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Me
(I’m sorry- the working title has to remain anonymous. I haven’t come up with a good one yet, and it’s just too mortifying to publicise my shitty attempts.)
Thanks so much for this opportunity Rick!
Jun 7, 2011
Query- ***
Dear Ms. Dream Agent,
I am writing to you because you represented BLAH BLAH by WHATSHIS NAME and I feel my novel has a similar spirit.
Split into two interwoven parts, *** is a 96,000-word work of literary fiction. Like THE GOD OF SMALL THINGS, or a Diane Arbus photograph, it peers beneath the comfort of expected storytelling into the recesses of the human experience.
Set in Kyoto, New England, Africa and Kathmandu, *** connects the mental illness of a Japanese English teacher with the wandering spirit of a jaded American. Incorporating Trichotillomania, 9-11, religious yearning and sexual consolation, the relationship between Machiko Yamamoto and Krista Black develops over a two year period, as Machiko’s health fails, and Krista’s brutal past unfolds. Their desire and their love, their rage and their hope, create a story of humanity, told by two women, across two cultures.
I am a graduate of FancyPants University, and have spent two years in a Japanese village similar to the setting of ***. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Aspiring Writer
I am writing to you because you represented BLAH BLAH by WHATSHIS NAME and I feel my novel has a similar spirit.
Split into two interwoven parts, *** is a 96,000-word work of literary fiction. Like THE GOD OF SMALL THINGS, or a Diane Arbus photograph, it peers beneath the comfort of expected storytelling into the recesses of the human experience.
Set in Kyoto, New England, Africa and Kathmandu, *** connects the mental illness of a Japanese English teacher with the wandering spirit of a jaded American. Incorporating Trichotillomania, 9-11, religious yearning and sexual consolation, the relationship between Machiko Yamamoto and Krista Black develops over a two year period, as Machiko’s health fails, and Krista’s brutal past unfolds. Their desire and their love, their rage and their hope, create a story of humanity, told by two women, across two cultures.
I am a graduate of FancyPants University, and have spent two years in a Japanese village similar to the setting of ***. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
Aspiring Writer
Query- By the Sword
Dear Agent,
Kill. That is what warriors are supposed to do. They are not supposed to dream visions or fall for their worst enemy.
Twenty-two year old Talya is a knight who lives and breathes to fight. The need to avenge her mother`s death fuels her as Sanctus, her country, prepares for war against the expanding Malinorian Empire. She hates the Malinorians, especially their new young general, Jalarn. Not only has Jalarn murdered her king, he`s almost killed Talya twice.
With the upcoming battle on her mind, Talya is shocked when a prophet from the woods tells her that God has called her to go on a mission to Hunter Forest. When the messenger of God confirms the graphic nightmares that Talya has been having, she agrees to go.
It is in Hunter Forest that Talya finds Jalarn. Her plan to slay him doesn`t exactly go as planned. When she awakens within a Malinorian prison, she needs to make a decision to follow Jalarn`s religion in order to live, or stay true to her faith and die.
By the Sword is a fantasy novel that is 81,000 words in length.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Kill. That is what warriors are supposed to do. They are not supposed to dream visions or fall for their worst enemy.
Twenty-two year old Talya is a knight who lives and breathes to fight. The need to avenge her mother`s death fuels her as Sanctus, her country, prepares for war against the expanding Malinorian Empire. She hates the Malinorians, especially their new young general, Jalarn. Not only has Jalarn murdered her king, he`s almost killed Talya twice.
With the upcoming battle on her mind, Talya is shocked when a prophet from the woods tells her that God has called her to go on a mission to Hunter Forest. When the messenger of God confirms the graphic nightmares that Talya has been having, she agrees to go.
It is in Hunter Forest that Talya finds Jalarn. Her plan to slay him doesn`t exactly go as planned. When she awakens within a Malinorian prison, she needs to make a decision to follow Jalarn`s religion in order to live, or stay true to her faith and die.
By the Sword is a fantasy novel that is 81,000 words in length.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Jun 3, 2011
The Best Writing Advice...
The submissions queue has been light lately, and I'm about to embark on a week of international travel, so here's a discussion thread for you all to ponder in the event we have a query drought.
What's the best writing advice you have ever received?
Please post it here in the comments. It can be related to any aspect of writing, publishing, how to live with being a writer and stay sane, how to live with a writer and stay sane (for our friends and family), etc.
For me, it came in the form of query feedback: try to sum up your novel in one sentence. I've found this to be incredibly helpful for queries and for my manuscripts as a whole. Being able to identify the heart of a story is critical, and sometimes it's a moving target as I write, re-write, and revise.
How about you? What's the best writing advice you've received?
What's the best writing advice you have ever received?
Please post it here in the comments. It can be related to any aspect of writing, publishing, how to live with being a writer and stay sane, how to live with a writer and stay sane (for our friends and family), etc.
For me, it came in the form of query feedback: try to sum up your novel in one sentence. I've found this to be incredibly helpful for queries and for my manuscripts as a whole. Being able to identify the heart of a story is critical, and sometimes it's a moving target as I write, re-write, and revise.
How about you? What's the best writing advice you've received?
May 28, 2011
Query People of Fae
Dear Future Agent,
Accidentally being left behind on a biology class field trip in the woods, seventeen year old Lyssa Cleverthorn is almost abducted by a lizard like creature and a woman that looked like she walked off a fashion show runway, this could have been the result of hitting her head too hard, a figment of her imagination or a link to her puzzled past. Always feeling out of step with others her age, Lyssa never thought her social abnormalities were spell induced. Even when tall, dark, emerald green eyed Toby abandons his hot girlfriend, leaves her to think she is the center of some elaborate joke. It isn't until Lyssa receives an unexpected message from Zoey her dad's ex-girlfriend who suddenly left, wants something from Lyssa. Unknowingly, Lyssa is used by Zoey as a vessel for hiding a legendary magic called Everspell that has grown tendrils into her and removing it would mean death. Not only having Toby interested in her, she has also gained the interest of the power hungry, mafia like Muse brothers that are part of a hidden world called Fae. Lyssa is a wild card, and before Zoey can reach her, the cat and mouse game has begun. Within twenty four hours Lyssa is thrown into the Fae world after her father disappears and attacked herself by one of the Muse's henchmen. Everything unravels and secrets are revealed from long time family friends about Lyssa's connection with the Fae world now on the brink of destruction or revolution. Even Toby's infatuation was only a spell to trick him to protect her, now has secrets of his own that leaves Lyssa doubting her feelings. With the power to change what is wrong, Lyssa must decide in sacrificing herself to a world she never knew existed or let it die. The Everspell now tangled with her should have killed her that is until she discovered who she really is.
People of Fae(104,000 words) is an urban fantasy sparking interest of teenage girls and possibly cross marketing into older YA categories. I truly enjoy YA and hope you will consider my project and thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
MM Winke
Accidentally being left behind on a biology class field trip in the woods, seventeen year old Lyssa Cleverthorn is almost abducted by a lizard like creature and a woman that looked like she walked off a fashion show runway, this could have been the result of hitting her head too hard, a figment of her imagination or a link to her puzzled past. Always feeling out of step with others her age, Lyssa never thought her social abnormalities were spell induced. Even when tall, dark, emerald green eyed Toby abandons his hot girlfriend, leaves her to think she is the center of some elaborate joke. It isn't until Lyssa receives an unexpected message from Zoey her dad's ex-girlfriend who suddenly left, wants something from Lyssa. Unknowingly, Lyssa is used by Zoey as a vessel for hiding a legendary magic called Everspell that has grown tendrils into her and removing it would mean death. Not only having Toby interested in her, she has also gained the interest of the power hungry, mafia like Muse brothers that are part of a hidden world called Fae. Lyssa is a wild card, and before Zoey can reach her, the cat and mouse game has begun. Within twenty four hours Lyssa is thrown into the Fae world after her father disappears and attacked herself by one of the Muse's henchmen. Everything unravels and secrets are revealed from long time family friends about Lyssa's connection with the Fae world now on the brink of destruction or revolution. Even Toby's infatuation was only a spell to trick him to protect her, now has secrets of his own that leaves Lyssa doubting her feelings. With the power to change what is wrong, Lyssa must decide in sacrificing herself to a world she never knew existed or let it die. The Everspell now tangled with her should have killed her that is until she discovered who she really is.
People of Fae(104,000 words) is an urban fantasy sparking interest of teenage girls and possibly cross marketing into older YA categories. I truly enjoy YA and hope you will consider my project and thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
MM Winke
May 19, 2011
QUERY: STEALING A DREAM (3rd attempt)
Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear agent,
Haisma Perell will do anything to have her baby brother back. Since the night he watched their parents slaughtered, he has been eroding away with madness. After years failing to help, Haisma embarks on a quest to steal a Dream, the only cure that may save him.
She hires a guide. Faziel De Garxia--the charming Gatekeeper with wings and a hero complex--is obsessed with fixing things, including her. When they stumble upon an upheaval that is escalating to war against the universe, Faziel itches to fix that too. Haisma grudgingly agrees, until she learns Faziel’s one-time patron--the driving force behind the rebellion--is collaborating with a clandestine sect responsible for her family's tragedy.
Together, they launch into ruthless power games against soul-enslaving politicians and vengeful fanatics, winding up on opposing ends against their will. When Haisma traces the clues from her parents' murder and gathers the means to stop the war, she finds herself standing on the crossroads of an impossible choice: her brother’s Dream or Faziel’s life.
I’m seeking representation for my novel, STEALING A DREAM: a character-driven epic fantasy, complete at 100,000 words. (Credentials and thank you)
Click here to read the first revision.
Dear agent,
Haisma Perell will do anything to have her baby brother back. Since the night he watched their parents slaughtered, he has been eroding away with madness. After years failing to help, Haisma embarks on a quest to steal a Dream, the only cure that may save him.
She hires a guide. Faziel De Garxia--the charming Gatekeeper with wings and a hero complex--is obsessed with fixing things, including her. When they stumble upon an upheaval that is escalating to war against the universe, Faziel itches to fix that too. Haisma grudgingly agrees, until she learns Faziel’s one-time patron--the driving force behind the rebellion--is collaborating with a clandestine sect responsible for her family's tragedy.
Together, they launch into ruthless power games against soul-enslaving politicians and vengeful fanatics, winding up on opposing ends against their will. When Haisma traces the clues from her parents' murder and gathers the means to stop the war, she finds herself standing on the crossroads of an impossible choice: her brother’s Dream or Faziel’s life.
I’m seeking representation for my novel, STEALING A DREAM: a character-driven epic fantasy, complete at 100,000 words. (Credentials and thank you)
May 14, 2011
QUERY- STEALING A DREAM (Revised)
Click here to read the original query.
Dear Ms. agent,
When Haisma Perell crosses worlds to find a cure for her brother, she has no idea she’s stepping into a whirlwind of universal-scale revolution.
Her parents murdered, leaving her baby brother, the only witness, insane. Years of searching bear no results, so she launches on a desperate quest to steal a Dream, the only cure that may save him.
But the Dream must be smuggled from a distant world of the bizarre and unfamiliar. Haisma hires a guide, who turns out to be the worst possible choice of one. Faziel De Garxia, the winged Gatekeeper who could live forever through stolen years, suffers a severe case of hero complex. He is obsessed with fixing things, including her. Annoyed, Haisma almost discharges him, but his skills prove useful; his quixotic charms and engaging confidence do make for a fascinating study. He grows on her.
When they stumble upon the brink of revolution, Faziel, with his officious disposition, cannot help but poke his nose in. They soon learn Faziel’s one-time patron and best friend is leading the rebels, collaborating with a clandestine sect bearing the mark found in her parents’ murder scene. Haisma’s simple quest to save her brother turns into a mission to save the universe.
Caught in a whirlwind of political power games, Haisma and Faziel battle through mental and emotional manipulations, winding up on opposing ends against their will. When Haisma assembles the means to trump the rebels by tracing the clues from her parents’ murder, she finds herself holding the safety of the universe in her hands while standing on the crossroads of an impossible choice: her brother’s Dream or Faziel’s life.
I’m seeking representation for my novel, STEALING A DREAM, an epic fantasy with themes of love, sacrifice and healing at its core. It is complete at 100,000 words.
Dear Ms. agent,
When Haisma Perell crosses worlds to find a cure for her brother, she has no idea she’s stepping into a whirlwind of universal-scale revolution.
Her parents murdered, leaving her baby brother, the only witness, insane. Years of searching bear no results, so she launches on a desperate quest to steal a Dream, the only cure that may save him.
But the Dream must be smuggled from a distant world of the bizarre and unfamiliar. Haisma hires a guide, who turns out to be the worst possible choice of one. Faziel De Garxia, the winged Gatekeeper who could live forever through stolen years, suffers a severe case of hero complex. He is obsessed with fixing things, including her. Annoyed, Haisma almost discharges him, but his skills prove useful; his quixotic charms and engaging confidence do make for a fascinating study. He grows on her.
When they stumble upon the brink of revolution, Faziel, with his officious disposition, cannot help but poke his nose in. They soon learn Faziel’s one-time patron and best friend is leading the rebels, collaborating with a clandestine sect bearing the mark found in her parents’ murder scene. Haisma’s simple quest to save her brother turns into a mission to save the universe.
Caught in a whirlwind of political power games, Haisma and Faziel battle through mental and emotional manipulations, winding up on opposing ends against their will. When Haisma assembles the means to trump the rebels by tracing the clues from her parents’ murder, she finds herself holding the safety of the universe in her hands while standing on the crossroads of an impossible choice: her brother’s Dream or Faziel’s life.
I’m seeking representation for my novel, STEALING A DREAM, an epic fantasy with themes of love, sacrifice and healing at its core. It is complete at 100,000 words.
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