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Click here to read the first revision.
Dear XXXXX,
LAZY CATS is a 60,000 word, work of Women’s fiction.
Just Maggie’s luck! Seven years in a comfortable marriage, one night of shamefully exciting sex, then poof, her husband’s gone without an explanation.
Author Maggie Weather’s had no idea her husband Chris had been secretly reading about Sarah.
“An undemanding woman, content living in the shadow of her puffed up husband, keeping a clean house, being the ideal wife, Sarah loses herself and gives up her dream of becoming a famous writer. But when her selfish husband goes too far, stepping out on her, Sarah cleverly plots his murder. Mouse poison should take care of a rat.”
Maggie and Sarah have a lot in common. The women even write alike. There is one big difference though, Maggie is real and Sarah is only a figment of Maggie’s imagination. But both women scare the hell out of their cheating husbands.
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8 comments:
Though I had to read this a couple of times to figure out the story, I do like the premise -- it's quite creative and different.
A couple of comments:
1. Women's fiction is generally much longer 80,000 - 100,000 words is standard. If you get a bunch of rejections, that may be why. Can you lengthen it?
2. YOu have told me more about fictitious Sarah than you have about Maggie. Other than being married, a writer, and capable of a good romp I know nothing. Who is she? What does she do that reveals her inner turmoil?
3. I'd scrap the paragraph about Sarah, and expand the last paragraph to include the basic story (the content of first two paragraphs plus a bit more).
It's the last paragraph that got my attention and made me think I might like to read this story. So, move it up in the query.
I am so intrigued by the idea of a woman revealing the consequences of her husbands infidelity through her fiction and scaring the hell out of her cheating husband. Tell me THAT in the query and it would get my attention (if I were an agent).
Sorry, I can't ditch Sarah's paragraph, her story is a big part of the story...:)
That's why they both scare their cheating husbands.(wink)
Would it help if I altered this sentence to:
Author Maggie Weather’s had no idea her guilty husband Chris had been secretly reading her story about Sarah.
I like the first paragraph - alot - and I like the voice. I like the story - I think. The story isn't quite clear from the query.
What happened to the husband? Was he murdered? Who murdered him? did he run away? Is Sarah real at any point?
The agent needs to get a sense of the whole story from the query. Don't hold off on letting them know the ending. You want to give them a complete picture, not a tease.
I know it's tempting to dangle, but I would try not to. The agent wants to know what this book is about. I think what they want is an outline of the story in a pithy and well-written way.
Sounds like a great book - good luck!
I agree with Mira, it's best not to dangle. If there is a twist, give it away. The agent wants to know the full package, they are not the casual reader, but your potential business partner.
Let the agent know there is a beginning, middle, and end to your story. Here we have a beginning - and a very intriguing one at that, I like it - but no sense of the middle or end.
I would drop the 's at the end of Weather's:
"Author Maggie Weather’s had no idea her husband Chris had been secretly reading about Sarah."
It's not possessive. Author Maggie Weather had no idea...
Thanks everyone for the helpful suggestions.
I'll be back in a couple days with yet another revision. If that is ok.
How many revisions can we post Rick?
Jan
Jan,
There isn't a limit on the number of revisions I will post. The main concern I would have is reviewer burnout if there are too many.
There is at least one other query with 3 revisions, Angel Undercover. For revisions 2 and 3, they were entered as a single post, with a request to comment on which one reviewers liked better.
I'd be happy to read another version - go for it!
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