Not a Real Query- Just for Fun

To take a break from all the critiquing, I'm posting a mock query I submitted to Evil Editor for last week's Writing Exercise: Bad Queries. "Write a query that focuses entirely on one thing that should be a very minor part of a good query, or shouldn't be included in a good query at all." All of the submissions were funny, check the rest out!


Dear Evil Editor,

I know you are just dying to read my really long manuscript, THE SEARCH FOR MR. LINCOLN: AND THE ENCOUNTER WITH CORNBREAD AND THE THREE EYED MAN. You see, even the title is long. And with a title that long, the manuscript must be long, too. I can’t tell you how many words it is, because when I tried to do a word count, my computer started crying. Really, tears poured from the monitor. That really jacked up my keyboard, but it didn’t stop me from adding another huge chuck of words to the manuscript.

I know the word count is right on the money, so you don’t have to worry about it. You can trust me. I made it incredibly long because you can’t have too much of a good thing. I tried to have too much of a good thing once. You know what that good thing was? My manuscript. And I couldn’t get enough of it. So I added more words.

I’m adding more words to it again even though it’s done so I can release an unabridged version, with an even higher word count. The critics will rave about it because it will be a big thick book and it will look impressive on anyone’s bookshelf.

I think a high word count adds a great deal of value to the book. If you sell it at the same price as other books, like “epics” that are only “250,000 words,” then my book will have a lower cost per word. It will be like pennies on the dollar compared to those books because of all the extra words you get when you buy my book. In today’s economy, you can’t be too sensitive to the needs of the consumer.

Thank you for your consideration. I think I went over 250 words for this submission, but that only helps to illustrate my point, so I know you’ll forgive me.

Query- The Last Flight (Version 4)

Click here to read the original query.
Click here to read the second version.
Click here to read the third version.

Agency
Agent

Dear Mr. or Ms. Agent

Flannary Investments LLC has been on the SEC's Division of Enforcement radar for a long time. Their increasing power in the markets and trading irregularities had triggered alarm bells. Jeff Conklin, SEC investigator, was assigned to the case.

When Conklin investigates, he discovers irregularities that go far beyond suspicious trades. Flannary Investments isn't a run of the mill powerful hedge fund. It's a massive investment scheme. Built upon a complex web of betrayal, trust, sex and murder.

Richard Harper a highly respected, freelance investigator never expected he would become part of an elaborate cover-up when he accepted an offer from the CFO of Flannary Investments LLC to investigate an investment scheme larger than he had ever known. And he would never have imagined that during the investigation, his wife was being seduced by its CEO.

Conklin teams up with Richard Harper to try and unravel the scheme. But the more they unravel, the more they find themselves entangled in the darkest corners of the hedge fund world where Flannary Investments operates.

The closer they get to the truth, the more desperate Flannary Investments becomes to stop them. As they target the company, they discover that Flannary Investments is targeting them.

Your agency was recommended as one of the top 50 in the country for longevity and for getting results. Also, Mr. Agent, I noticed when visiting your web site, you have particular interest in crime genre.

Thank you in advance for your time reading my query and I am prepared to send the entire 85k manuscript upon your request. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,
Author

Query "Stand-In"

Dear Agent,

Detective John Broden and Special Agent Alex Darby have been thrust into their worst nightmare; a serial killer that leaves the next body faster than the investigators can process the evidence from the previous one. Add in the fact that the killer is clearly trying to turn each victim into some unknown woman, and Broden and Darby definitely have their work cut out for them. They both know that the key to solving the murders will be determining the identity of the mystery woman.

When they stumble into the middle of what appears to be an unrelated case, they find their key. Kelly Jo Carter is, without a doubt, the object of a killer’s twisted obsession. She is also a woman with a severe, yet well placed, mistrust of law enforcement. As Kelly lays out a story of corruption and betrayal, of brutality and abuse, it is almost more than the lawmen can believe.

“Stand-In” is a completed 84,000-word commercial fiction thriller and as a victim of a violent crime myself, I was able to incorporate some of my own experiences into the story line. “Stand-In” is not only packed with suspense, but allows readers to really feel the emotions that overwhelm victims.

I would be happy to send the entire manuscript, or any portion of it, for your review if you are interested. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Author