Mar 13, 2009

Query- Angel Undercover (Revision 1)

Click here to read the original query.

Dear Mr./Ms. Agentperson

A heart of gold and shy as a mouse. That was Paige Moss before the adventure that led to her saving her city and becoming the hero no one, leastwise herself, ever thought she could be. A real angel undercover.

Getting kidnapped turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to Paige Moss. She is brought to an exotic rainforest, where myth and magic exist, where her new friends teach her aerial acrobatics and underwater horse riding. She gets reunited with her older sister, Savannah, who set up the abduction to save Paige from dangerous thieves back home. And best of all, she finds the chance to escape the shyness that has always held her back.

But Savannah is actually working for her kidnapper, Maisen, training an army for his vision to unite the three sister races of the world. While Maisen’s aims are noble, he’ll use any means necessary to accomplish them. So when Paige learns of the covert mission, he drags her through an arsenal of magical tortures before leaving her to die in a sea cave, just so she cannot interfere.

When Paige is rescued, the truth comes out and Maisen flees. Weeks later, an entire city is leveled overnight and Paige is positive he’s involved. She rounds up her friends and allies and returns to her turbulent home city, a shy girl no longer. With her sister at her side, Paige expects one final showdown with the person she fears most, but it turns out that Maisen has become the victim of one of his own plans. The rogue firestorm he sparked is out of control and it’s up to Paige and her team to stop it.

Angel Undercover is a YA fantasy and is complete at 94,000 words. It is the first in a planned quartet.

Kind Regards,

9 comments:

Rick Daley said...

This is a lot better than the last one. I'll post again later with specific feedback, but kudos on taking the feedback and moving several rungs up the ladder!

That's really why this site is here, thanks for helping to illustrate the point.

As a side note, I submitted this fake plot for Angel Undercover on EE's website:

Archangels Michael and Gabriel surprise Beelzebub, catching him between the sheets with a chorus of Cherubs in this shocking expose of sex trafficking between Heaven and Hell. It will make you think twice about kneeling when you pray.

Lady Glamis said...

This is looking better! I will be answering your email as soon as I can. :)

T. Anne said...

The premiss sounds very enticing. Maybe a little long for a query, bordering on a light synopsis. But I do like the story, it was able to engage me right away!

Thanks Rick for the query blog!

Carley said...

This is better, I especially love the opening paragraph. But, I think it may still be to long. In the second paragraph, you could shorten it like so:

//Getting kidnapped turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to Paige Moss when she's taken to and exotic rainforest, where myth and magic exist.Not to mention being reunited with her older sister Savannah, and learning she set the whole thing up to save her is definately a huge plus.//
o I don't think you need to mention the shyness again, first because you already have, and second because you do later on.
I think the 3rd and 4th paragraphs can be condesed as well, by using only the really important parts, which in my opinion are:
//Savannah and Maisen working together, Paige being left for dead, or hinting at her being in dangerous circumstances, Maisen's plan blowing up in his face, and Paige, shy girl no more, with her sister, ready to face the rogue firestorm Maisen has sparked.

I hope that helps a bit. It's hard to tell a story in 250 words or less, but you are getting closer!
Keep at it!

Anette J Kres said...

Rick - I laughed my butt off when I saw your fake plot on EE. Now I just know who's responsible ;) Oh and Beelzebub is such an awesome name.

Carley - thanks for your suggestions. I definately agree that it needs to be shorter and snappier. Will work, make better. :)

Mira said...

Hi Anette,

I posted my comment under the first one yesterday - I didn't realize that Rick had put up your revision. In case you're interested.

Good luck!

Rick Daley said...

Annette,

It's getting there...better than the first one, but I think you may need 1 or 2 more shots to really nail it.

The story description is 283 words. Do you think you can tell it in 200?

I don't like the way this splices past / present tense: "Getting kidnapped turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to Paige Moss."

pulp said...

Isn't this mostly backstory?

Anette J Kres said...

Actually none of it is backstory.

Getting kidnapped is in chapter 1 and the city attack in chapter 23.

I'm thinking it's a bad thing if it sounds like backstory though...