Dear ________:
When you die, you’re supposed to go to Everlasting. That’s what the souls believe. But Jeanne has been dead for hundreds of years and yet she aimlessly wanders the halls of The Lourve in modern-day Paris.
Her aimlessness ends the day she encounters Etienne Armand, a fashion designer on the brink of ruin. Finding that he can see her shocks her into realizing that she has forgotten who she was and how she died. She now feels compelled to investigate memories of her past with the help of two other souls who have resisted fading. While painful memories of her tragic history slowly emerge, she is inexorably drawn into the world of the living as she embarks on a plan to help Etienne save his failing couture house, and they recognize a mutual attraction with roots in her previous life.
In the beginning of her quest, Jeanne is eager only to find the resolution which will allow her to fade. But, soon it is apparent there is a mystery involved in her identity and the details of recorded history. Is she really the daughter of famous painter, Elizabeth Vigee Le Brun? Did her mother take the place of Marie Antoinette on the guillotine?
Jeanne comes to realize that Everlasting is not just where souls go when they fade, it’s also emotions and relationships that continue through the centuries. With this comprehension, she becomes desperate to stay in the land of the living, but fading is not the choice of the soul.
Everlasting is romantic fiction, with a supernatural twist, completed at 75,000 words for which I am seeking representation. Thank you for your time and kind consideration.
Sincerely,
me
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8 comments:
Agents tend to look for any excuse to reject a manuscript—like what may be a typo or a mistake on what looks like an important fact.
LouVRe.
Sounds interesting, but I think your query is a little flat in places. Instead of "She now feels compelled..." you could try "Compelled to investigate her past, painful memories of her tragic history slowly emerge." A few changes like that would really punch it up
Hi, I will try to offer some good advice.
I agree, I think an agent will reject a query for any grammar and punctuation.
(Finding that he can see her shocks her into realizing that she has forgotten who she was and how she died.) This sentence is a tad awkward.
Try to simplify your sentences. They tend to be very long. Short to the point.
I also think that the query could use just a little trimming. I know there is alot going on, but try to stay focus on the main plot. This seems to have many plots wrapped throughout the query.
Be sure to capitalize your title too.
Good luck. I think this is a promising story.
I like the premise, my own novel is based on reincarnation and past lives meeting present. I'm not really a romance novel reader, but this has my interest.
I think the paranormal aspects of your query raise a few questions, though:
- two other souls who have resisted fading
- but fading is not the choice of the soul
These statements seem to conflict with each other. If fading is not the choice of the soul, then how could the two souls resist?
- Everlasting is not just where souls go when they fade, it’s also emotions and relationships that continue through the centuries.
I think the wording of this is a little awkward.
Thanks for all the comments. Really helpful. I'll keep working.
Rick, I'm interested in your novel now. I don't read Romance either, I don't know how I wrote one ... Didn't start out that way. :)
Love to hear more about your story.
Lara,
I have two queries on this site for my novel FATE'S GUARDIAN. You can search the blog for the title, or click on Thriller under the labels on the right side of the main page.
Your first paragraph is hooking. Drew me right in. But somewhere in the middle, you lost my attention, right around all the question marks.
Points of interest that I think you should definitely keep:
-Jeanne is a ghost, dead for hundreds of years
-Etienne can see her
-She’d forgotten who she was, but “wakes up” (there are extra insignificant details through here too, along with some wordiness)
-She tries to help with his real life problems (VERY important because otherwise most readers won’t care about a ghost trying to find her past. It’s in the past. It’s not pressing. The present is pressing. Hence this is necessary.)
-They start to fall in love
-She starts out trying to fade, and ends up trying to stay (these are the only key points I see in those two paragraphs. Everything else seems unnecessary for the purpose of this query. Key to your book. Unneeded here.)
On the plus side, it seems you have all the necessary elements already here in your query. It just needs streamlined.
So I would rewrite your query:
When you die, you’re supposed to go to Everlasting. That’s what the souls believe. But Jeanne has been dead for hundreds of years and yet she aimlessly wanders the halls of The Lourve in modern-day Paris.
Jeanne’s aimlessness ends the day she encounters Etienne Armand, a fashion designer on the brink of ruin. [(I would find a way to reword this sentence) Finding that he can see her shocks her into realizing that she has forgotten who she was and how she died.] Compelled, Jeanne investigates the painful memories of her tragic past and is inexorably drawn into the world of the living. She embarks on a plan to help Etienne save his failing couture house and they recognize a mutual attraction with roots in her previous life.
Jeanne’s early eagerness to find the resolution and fade morphs over the course of her journey into a desperation to stay in the land of the living. But fading is not the choice of the soul.
Everlasting is romantic fiction, with a supernatural twist, completed at 75,000 words for which I am seeking representation. Thank you for your time and kind consideration.
Hope that helps!
Thanks, Anette
good points.
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