Jun 6, 2009

Query: Blood From Heaven (version 2)

Click here to read the original.
Click here to read version 3.

Demons want Samone’s body so that they can walk manifest on Earth. This young Priestess is missing, and an angel is guarding her body and keeping it alive.

The angel enlists the help of Detective Paterson and Liner Dawson to find Samone’s spirit and return it before her body dies. The men learn that angels are not exactly as the myths say. This angel has killed two men, and exists to fight demons on the Earthly plane.

While searching for Samone, both men fall in love with her, and she is told by her spirits that they were sent to love and protect her. The three of them go to Chicago for a new life together but find that demons still hunt for Samone.

The three of them enlist the angels through magic to help fight the demons, but something has gone wrong. Detective Paterson discovers that a horrific string of murders has an eerily familiar feel, and the killer does not seem to be entirely human. If he can’t catch the killer, the demons may finally get what they are after: Samone.

I own a retail Pagan store and have a back ground in law enforcement and the history of occult theory and practice. Blood From Heaven is a paranormal mystery which is complete at 82,700 words. I am posting daily on my blog, Worlds Apart [http://www.ejalvey.wordpress.com], which is the Diary of Samone Fisher and serves as a prequel for this novel. Blood From Heaven is the first in a series and can also stand alone.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Horserider said...

If you look at Samone real fast it looks like Someone. :)

“This young Priestess is missing, and an angel is guarding her body and keeping it alive.”

What? So she’s not really “missing” she’s just…unconscious?

Who exactly is the main character here? One of the men? Samone? The angel? Too many characters introduced here. Limit it to the main character and anyone that’s absolutely essential.

“The three of them go to Chicago for a new life together but find that demons still hunt for Samone.”

The THREE of them go to Chicago for a new life together? I thought Samone was unconscious so how can she go anywhere?

Laura Martone said...

Hi, EJ.

This is definitely an improvement over the original - for one thing, it's a lot shorter and more streamlined! Yahoo!

The bad news is that Horserider is right - the story might be confusing for an agent - who didn't have the benefit of reading the longer version... ;-) As I suggested before, I really think focusing on one main character is the way to go here... you're just trying to entice an agent to ask for more - you don't have to give away every little plot detail.

Believe me, I know how difficult it is to right a solid query letter (especially with so many "rules" out there). I posted my own query on this site (twice) and was ultimately told to focus on one character (even though the novel is told through two PsOV - ugh)... While it's tough to resist the tell-all urge, you really want to strive to keep the query as compact as possible... agents are busy and apparently bore easily.

Pick a character - Samone, the angel, or one of the two men - and write the query from his/her point of view. I guarantee that will help you to streamline even more - and make the story at once more enticing and less confusing.

Good luck, EJ!

Anonymous said...

Thanks to Horserider and Laura!

The story is from three main characters pov in an interwoven format, but I see your points and will pick one.

Urg. I'll be back tomorrow.