Jul 17, 2009

Query- Blood From Heaven [version 4]

Click here to read the original.
Click here to read the version 3.

Question: I was considering changing the title to "Trial By Fire"--what do you think?

Thanks-
E.J.

Dear Agent,

Samone Fisher is a Priestess with ancient powers. She is a woman who has the ability to act as a gateway for angels and gods, and demons too when things don’t go so well.

What happens when things don’t go so well? You lose your body.

Luckily for Samone, she has an angel watching out for her, the fiery Serafina, who has possessed her body to keep it alive.

Now, Serafina must enlist the help of two special men to find Samone’s soul and bring it back to her body where it belongs. The men soon succumb to the angel’s fiery energy. The clock is ticking. The body is dying. Under the angel’s mysterious influence the men are able to return Samone’s soul to her body.

And here is where their new lives begin.

The men soon find out that Samone is as fiery as the angel that kept her body alive, and they will do anything to be with her. But the demons are closing in. They want Samone and people are starting to die. So Samone and her two men summon the angels for help, and that is when they learn that angels are not always what they seem.

I would like to submit for your review the manuscript for my paranormal urban fantasy, Blood From Heaven, which is complete at 82,700 words. This is the first novel of a series, which can also stand alone.

In writing this novel I have drawn upon my expertise in occult and paranormal subjects as well as professional experience with psychology, investigation and law enforcement.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

5 comments:

Rick Daley said...

I was distracted by the repetition of the word "body" (it is used 6 times in the query).

"You lose your body.

Luckily for Samone, she has an angel watching out for her, the fiery Serafina, who has possessed her body to keep it alive.

Now, Serafina must enlist the help of two special men to find Samone’s soul and bring it back to her body where it belongs"

Which did she lose, her body or her soul?

If the agent possessed her body to keep it alive, why is it dying?

Tell us your story in one sentence.

scott g.f. bailey said...

Where does this story really start? When Samone's soul re-enters her body? The whole Serafina thing seems like back-story. You might just skip it in the query because I don't think we need to hear it.

What's the climax of the story? The issue resolved in that climax is the central conflict of the story, and that's what your query should be about.

ejalvey said...

Hi Rick,

Well, it's a perspective thing. If a person is really their spirit, then if you can't get back in your body than it would be the body that is lost :) Most people's sense of "I" includes their body, but part of the story of this novel is that the body is just the current incarnation.

The angel pushed her out of her body to save her from demons. It was an emergency. The angel is a much larger spirit than a human, so it is burning out the life force of the body very fast--thus the body will die soon if Samone cannot be found and returned. It's a complex story.

My story in one sentence. I'll try. Samone and her two men must battle demons with the help of angels to keep Samone safe and to learn the secrets of magic.

It is so hard to do that--there is so much more to the story. I appreciate your help so much.

ejalvey said...

Hi Scott,

The climax of the story would be when one of the Seraphim (angels) becomes imbalanced by absorbing too many demons and starts killing women who look like Samone. The demons and imbalanced spirits want to take Samone's body to use for themselves.

So you think that should be the main focus of my query? I was just not sure it would make a lot of sense on its own.

Thanks for your help.

C.J. Ellisson said...

I don't think you need to spell the climax out - I think you can elude to it like you did with your one sentence summation.

I read a ton of urban fantasy - some of yours implies a love triangle with the two men. If that is the case draw on that a bit. If not, then ignore me ; )

I wouldn't worry about trying to explain the backstory and the premise for her losing her body. Am I right to assume she is still a major part of the story even when her soul is not in her body?

If that is the case then trying to explain it well in the query is going to take up too many words and I think your fine letting the agent/editor discover that point on their own when the start reading.

Good luck with it!
C.J.