Aug 17, 2009

Not a Real Query- Just for Fun

To take a break from all the critiquing, I'm posting a mock query I submitted to Evil Editor for last week's Writing Exercise: Bad Queries. "Write a query that focuses entirely on one thing that should be a very minor part of a good query, or shouldn't be included in a good query at all." All of the submissions were funny, check the rest out!


Dear Evil Editor,

I know you are just dying to read my really long manuscript, THE SEARCH FOR MR. LINCOLN: AND THE ENCOUNTER WITH CORNBREAD AND THE THREE EYED MAN. You see, even the title is long. And with a title that long, the manuscript must be long, too. I can’t tell you how many words it is, because when I tried to do a word count, my computer started crying. Really, tears poured from the monitor. That really jacked up my keyboard, but it didn’t stop me from adding another huge chuck of words to the manuscript.

I know the word count is right on the money, so you don’t have to worry about it. You can trust me. I made it incredibly long because you can’t have too much of a good thing. I tried to have too much of a good thing once. You know what that good thing was? My manuscript. And I couldn’t get enough of it. So I added more words.

I’m adding more words to it again even though it’s done so I can release an unabridged version, with an even higher word count. The critics will rave about it because it will be a big thick book and it will look impressive on anyone’s bookshelf.

I think a high word count adds a great deal of value to the book. If you sell it at the same price as other books, like “epics” that are only “250,000 words,” then my book will have a lower cost per word. It will be like pennies on the dollar compared to those books because of all the extra words you get when you buy my book. In today’s economy, you can’t be too sensitive to the needs of the consumer.

Thank you for your consideration. I think I went over 250 words for this submission, but that only helps to illustrate my point, so I know you’ll forgive me.

16 comments:

Laura Martone said...

Muhahaha! Very a-moo-zing, Ricky D. I'd definitely ask to see a partial.

fred limberg said...

The partial would be 15K!

Rick Daley said...

Fred,

It's a shame because that only gets us halfway into Prologue III.

jbchicoine said...

I’m sorry Mr. Daley, I quit reading your query after “THE SEARCH FOR MR. LINCOLN: AND THE ENCOUNTER WITH CORNBREAD AND THE THREE EYED MAN”.

I’m sure you’re a talented writer, but your premise simply did not resonate the way I hoped it would.

Remember, this a very subjective business, and although I must pass on your project, there may be another agent who feels quite differently.

Best wishes in your search for representation.

Donna Hole said...

Bigger is better, right? Or in this case, longer is worth more.

Very funny! Just what I needed as I try to revise, and cut down, by own query.
......dhole

word verif: diales. Oh no, not another iPhone reference!!

Rick Daley said...

Ms. Chicoine,

Hows about this:

Finding Abe, Maize-Muffins and a Triclops.

I hope this burst of brilliance is enough to sway your opinion.

jbchicoine said...

Mr. Daley,
Although I am impressed with your capacity to be succinct (your word count not withstanding), I’m afraid I simply haven’t room for you on my list at this time. As you know, the market is very competitive in these difficult economic times; therefore, I must be very selective in what I take on.
All the best to you.

Rick Daley said...

Ms. Chicoine,

It is clear to me that without my novel on it, your list is deficient on both length and quality. Only I can help you fix this. This matter is urgent and it is of the utmost importance.

It is true that the market is competitive. This is why I advocate the use of hit men (or women) to gain better leverage. This is the type of forward-thinking client you need.

Regards,
Your Next Client

jbchicoine said...

Mr. Daley,
Your recent correspondence is highly unprofessional. Your reference to hit men is overtly threatening and I shall now block you from any further correspondence.
All the best to you.

Rick Daley said...

Ms. Chicoine,

As a make-believe agent, your scruples are just too high. I didn't threaten you, just the competition. There is a big difference.

I can only interpret your continued correspondence as an innate interest in me as a client, and I look forward to the opportunity to send you my manuscript. I will reduce the font to 6-point so it will only take three reams of cheap copy paper to print it.

Oh...I am environmentally friendly, so the paper will be recycled. I have a recycle bin that I use. The reverse side of the pages will have earlier drafts of my manuscript printed on them, so you will need to take care to keep the pages in order.

Thank you for your time and consideration, it will be a pleasure working with you.

jbchicoine said...

I’m not listening *fingers in ears* ...La La La tra la la...

Rick Daley said...

THEN I WILL TYPE IN CAPITAL LETTERS, WHICH IS THE WRITTEN EQUIVALENT OF SHOUTING.

jbchicoine said...

Okay, FINE! You win! SEND YOUR STUPID MANUSCRIPT!

Rick Daley said...

Slushpile followers take note: THAT's how it's done!

Laura Martone said...

Hahaha! That agent-client exchange was hilarious... but I have to say that if Ms. Chicoine has such low standards, I'll make a note NOT to send her my query.

And that's how it's done!!! Phlbbt!

Stephanie said...

I like "my computer cried"